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I want to find myself
I know Buddhism always says get rid of self. But I have ptsd, 'depersonalization' (if you want to Google it)
I miss me, and even though I'm impermanent, I'd be nicer to have a solid sense of self.
Maybe i'm not 'Buddhist' then......maybe i'm more Taoist?
The only type of Buddhism i like is metta practice.
I just want some solid ground to be on.
I don't want to rid myself of me, or get all tangled up in confusing poems, and meditations that just 'trip me out'
I miss me, and even though I'm impermanent, I'd be nicer to have a solid sense of self.
Maybe i'm not 'Buddhist' then......maybe i'm more Taoist?
The only type of Buddhism i like is metta practice.
I just want some solid ground to be on.
I don't want to rid myself of me, or get all tangled up in confusing poems, and meditations that just 'trip me out'
0
Comments
there is a self though. it is just a constantly changing process that we give a name to.
we all have this vast lack. we are all lacking. it is important to examine such lacking. what do we really lack? and when we try to grasp and find ourselves, do we ever find something graspable?
it isn't depressing or negative as those are just our interpretation.
when we lose ourselves, we gain the whole universe.
if you want to be happy. do something that helps others.
honestly that is the quickest path to awakening to what is.
But another thing about this word "self"-- this is not to be confused with the western psychological "ego," (though in the end, it is included in the process of realising the emptiness of self). It has nothing to do with feeling guilt for being a "bad" person, or striving to be a "good" person.
Buddhism reaches down far deeper than psychological ego-- the "self" in Buddhism is an ontological issue (put simply, "ontological" refers to the nature of existence, of self and other, of the particular elements of the universe in relation to the whole).
Specifically, in Buddhism, the self is said to be empty of any sense of independence. We're all hooked up together in this vast universe-- nothing can be added to it or taken away from it. The problem is that we often feel there are some things we should remove or add to it-- I want to remove my back pain that I am experiencing, or I want to add a pay raise to my check. The universe doesn't actually work that way. We are not the discrete entities we take ourselves to be, but because we delude ourselves into thinking we are, we suffer needlessly.
In a certain sense, it isn't that *you* don't exist-- its just that the *nature* of your existence (and everyone's existence) is far greater than you can imagine! As one's realisation of this emptiness deepens with practice, compassion grows from it (wisdom and compassion both come hand-in-hand, they are really two different aspects of the same thing).
I don't know much about Pure Land Buddhism, but I know that chanting takes precedence to sitting meditation. That might be more your cup of tea, perhaps?
Buddhist practice enables you to drop down those walls that prevent 'self' from being part of the universe; the walls that seem so solid, separating 'self' from 'others'. Buddhist practice helps us see that the walls are illusion and that self can expand until it includes all sentient beings.
You don't need to try to cram everything into this construction you call 'self'; it's like the Mad Hatters Teaparty, with all the characters jumping from chair to chair declaring "No room! No room!" even though the table is so large there is more than enough room for everybody.
Fear tries to tell you to hide in that little cupboard, to build up your walls so the world cannot get in. You end up isolated and alone, but there is no need. By opening up self, and refusing to give in to fear, you realise you are part of the whole universe of sentient beings.
For what its worth, I have PTSD too. It was actually my therapist who introduced me to mindfulness, as a basic concept. I took that and ran with it, eventually ending up with Buddhism. Buddhism isn't a cure for PTSD, but it has helped me more than I can say.
The whole thing is really strange. I tried to explain to a friend one time who was Buddhist what I was feeling. I said "It feels like I'm a stranger to myself, that the world looks very weird and unfamiliar, I have no desire to do anything, I don't want anything, I'm completely indifferent to everything" She took that as 'oh that's wonderful you must be very advanced' or something like that.
But inside i was suffering, a lot. She never understood me. And its a hard thing to explain to people and to get help for. Its like the very thing contributed to my suffering is suppose to help me...
I wish i wanted things. I WISH I wanted a job or wife or kids or hobbies or friends. I'm just so tired and sad all the time.
Did you go through this Ada B?
These things must be very difficult for you, I wish you many blessings on your path. I cannot speak directly to PTSD, so what I may say may be of minimal help. I would think that metta meditation, as you stated you do, would be of great benefit for you. To hold yourself with love, compassion and gratitude I think would be a good place to begin. It is said to follow this path one must be very grounded in their sense of self, that you have a healthy sense of who you are and your intentions in this world. To just jump right into ideas of emptiness, not-self, letting go; this is a very fluid and loose environment that can be difficult even for somebody that feels pretty grounded. I would drop all the ideas and concepts and just work on metta and simply watching your breath in meditation, even if its just a little at a time. I would also work with a psychologist to develop a healthy sense of self so that you may feel more grounded with who you are.
All my best to you,
Todd
I think I can relate to what you are saying and perhaps I can offer a simpler bit of advice.
I've tried a few different things to find peace with myself (alternative healing stuff) and its only after those practices that I am now moving on to buddhist meditation. A couple of years ago I didnt realise the 'disconnect' I had with myself until one day I had a conversation in my head one day with myself, explored all sorts of nasty emotions in myself such as guilt, anger, grief, (and cried a lot) and came to a point of forgiveness and love (through one of these alternate healing things called The Journey).
What I read in your writing is that you "have no desire to do anything, want anything, are completely indifferent", but then almost in the same breath you are saying you are "suffering a lot". Well which is it? Are you suffering and want to explore that suffering and find freedom from it, or are you at peace and there is no suffering?
I'm completely new to these forums and the comments so far appear to be from advanced buddhist practitioners and they confuse me too. What worked for me (and what I would suggest for you is):
1. accepting I was suffering and forgiving myself of past failures etc, and loving whatever it is that I am.
2. meditating on the truth of me in this body, which is a part of everything through even simple things like exchanging gas through my lungs.
3. realising that a lot of 'the world' that I live in is created in my head through my thoughts and unreliable memories.
4. only then letting go of that whole notion of me and self as a thing separate from the rest of reality.
Thats where I'm at and I'll let you know how I get on with number 4
Regardless of what you do, have some compassion for yourself as much as for everyone else around you...
Edit: And I like Theswingisyellow's words too!
You're exactly where you should be right now. You're life expressing itself in a unique way. Enjoy even the sadness, for the existence of sadness is what allows the possibility of happiness.
Trying to form an identity will only induce attachment which brings on suffering-at first people may like the feeling that they have this identity, but clinging to it will soon cause pain in some shape or form as it will change.
If you want to find yourself, go somewhere that has no people, where all you have is food and water, and a phone incase something goes wrong, and sit with yourself for an hour, a day or a few days. It is harder than it sounds, but you will soon find out who you are.
I am new to this as well, and the more advanced concepts allude me. I wonder, what do I gain by feeling/being part of the rest of reality?
And, isn't one's "reality" always a matter of interpretation? Not in regard to the material things, but regarding how one *relates* to what one perceives to be reality? Wouldn't that always be tinged with subjectivity? Maybe there is no ultimate reality.....
In my beginners journey I'm now trying to integrate this existence that is empty of inherant existence into my everyday existence
I do think your drug experiences have confused you. Buddhist meditation is nothing like a drug trip, and the idea of 'no-self' has nothing to do with feeling dissociated. In fact, it is the opposite. A drug experience is a delusion - even more of a delusion than you normally experience. True Awakening is about becoming aware of reality - ultimate reality, as it really is, and the ordinary, everyday reality in which we are living.
Ideally, when you meditate, you should be very relaxed and yet very aware of your body, where you are (in ordinary reality), what you are doing (sitting, hopefully) and what is happening. It is a state of awareness, not escaping from reality or dozing or going off into some dreamlike state.
At the same time as being aware that "I am sitting on this cushion, in this room the sun is shining outside, and the neighbour is mowing his lawn..." (or whatever), we also become aware that this reality is ultimately a delusion, produced by our mind. Particularly that suffering is a delusion - actually, everything is fine, but our minds mistakenly believe that it is not.
So we sit, and watch our thoughts, as if they were nothing more than clouds in the sky. We do not interfere with those thoughts, but every time our mind is tempted to go off on some tangent, we bring it back to Now. We become observers of our own mind. It is interesting to see it: how our mind produces scary ideas, or tries to escape reality with all sorts of fantasies, or remembers incidents, or re-hashes conversations, or maybe even re-hashes TV programs and movies (mine does that). Last time I meditated, I kept being distracted by an ABBA song that I haven't heard for years!
Hopefully, all this observation teaches us how our mind generates our reality, and helps us, when we get up and go back to the ordinary reality of washing-up and pealing potatoes, to appreciate that whether we suffer or not is largely down to perception.
The thing is, we are creatures who have to learn to live with several 'layers' of reality. There is mundane, ordinary, apparently concrete reality (which is always changing, although we don't like to think of it like that). That is where we learn compassion and lovingkindness. But then there is the higher reality, the Dharmakaya or whatever you want to call it, which transcends our ordinary reality and in which there is no suffering and 'self' turns out to be just another cage we put ourselves in.
As I have heard it said many times, before Enlightenment: chop wood and carry water. After Enlightenment: chop wood and carry water. Everyday life continues, just with great awareness of what is 'really' going on. As a friend pithily observed "If you're chopping water and carrying wood in a bottle, you know you've gone wrong somewhere along the line!"
The next moment is an entirely moment, the world has changed and so have you. Enjoy it.
Like you, I spent a fair amount of time using drugs such as acid, ketamine, ecstasy, 2cb and so on, 9 years in fact, I think that was a kind of self medication-but any drug used in this way is in violation of one of the five precepts and WHATEVER amazing idea or realization that pops into your head on a trip, it is still influenced under a delusiuon. We need to look within rather than use external 'tools'
Do you want to find yourself? Look in a mirror. That's your self, in all your tired, sad, confused glory. Your self is reading these words right now. All right, now that you've found yourself, now what? You say that you don't want things. If that was true, you wouldn't be unhappy. Dukkha is caused by desires. No desires, no suffering. You are suffering, that is obvious. So you have at least some desires. That is the bedrock, unavoidable Noble Truth in action.
So start at the beginning. From the above, it might be you want to feel more connected to the people around you and you want more joy out of life. Start there, but it's your list of wants, not mine.
What do you want? You've said what you don't want. It's a big list. What's the other side of the coin?
what i want.......i want to be someone whos been through hell and made it out. to help ppl like me, to have a family and friends, to connect with people, to love people and life....
I know i'm a 'frusterating' case, i've been told that by countless ppl and doctors....
but deep inside i think my purpose is to overcome this....and be able to connect to ppl like me.
thank you very much by the way for responding
Try meditation as a metta practice exploring these feelings and then gently ever so gently reminding yourself that they are just thoughts and notice the space that they appear. I really liked Ada's post about the cupboard. You can make meditation a metta practice where you are very gentle and forgiving.
If you are going to feel bad you might as well try to do things in that space just get on with things. For example even though you don't feel well just do something, plan an activity. And if you feel poorly have metta. But keep busy because we need things to help our prana infuse??
I'm sure people here have ideas on what that can be.
You spoke of going to hell and back, well I have been in hell a few times, come back a few times and right now still in a type of hell, the thinge is about these hells, we create them for ourselves. You do not need to be confused, quite the opposite, but you are and that is fine right now as you are finding your feet.
You wanted to hear some hell and back examples, i will give you two if you so wish.
Firstly, maybe going back five years now admist a four year ecstasy bindge and ongoing hyperchondria, i got drunk on night and teetering on the edge, I started to suffer more and more to the point I wanted to escape it, in my ignorance I sought the quickest way out, suicide. So, I wrote the letter, knew the building I was going to head to and jump off and was about to leave when my gf rang me on my phone, which in fact stopped that action right there. She rang me out of the blue so that was lucky I guess.
More recently, in the past two months I have lost the use of my left hand, crashed a motorbike twice, had my wallet stolen, had to revive my gf from an alergic reaction to a pain killer, my mum had a cancer scare, my computer broke, and I still suffer from social anxiety and consume valium at a medium does daily. See all of thos things, that is life, life that I have created for the most part. You create your hell or your heaven in this life.
I think you need to take a step back right now and just slow down, realize you cannot always get what you want, bad things will happen as that is inevitable, it is how we react and let these things go. What really helped me in times of suffering is that I thought, ''this will pass, nothing lasts forever.'' Or that you have no control over certain aspects of life, so go with the flow and accept it for what it is.
Going back to drugs, I am 23 years old and started using substances when I was 14. Seriously, I do not care what anybody says, there is no point in getting wrapped up in that scene what so ever. I have been there, I know many people who have been there, it leads to suffering every time in the end to different degrees. You do not need things such as LSD or shrooms to meditate, all you need is your mind, your mind to be slowed down and controlled over time with practice. We need to suffer to realize that there is a problem that needs to be resolved, life is full of it. It is one of the four noble truths, the truth of suffering.
I hope you can take something from this,
Take care of yourself, learn to love yourself and those around you
Tom