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A friend in need?

WindwalkerWindwalker
edited February 2006 in Buddhism Basics
This isn't a buddhist thing, it's more of a moral dilemma and I need a bit of impartial advice. I have a friend who is dating some guy who is the jealous/possessive type and he doesn't like her talking to other guys - especially ones she previously dated which includes me!

A few weeks ago, after I hadn't heard from her for about a month, she sent an email apologising for the lack of contact but explaining about this boyfriend. She said that, when he learns to trust her, then she will contact me and we can resume our friendship. But she asked that I do not email/text her until then.

She does have another friend who I could call to ask if everything is okay, but I don't know whether I should. Before you say, it has occured to me that this might be a very elaborate and cruel way of simply saying she doesn't want to be friends anymore. The other possibility is that this boyfriend is controlling her and she hasn't been able to change his mind (but why should he when he already has everything he wants?)

So basically I'm debating with myself whether I should call mutual friend or do nothing, give her more time and trust her to sort things out for herself. I don't want to go behind her back but I do want to help her if she needs it. I feel that my hands are tied and I don't know what's going on.

Any ideas????

Comments

  • HermanHesseHermanHesse
    edited February 2006
    1. Start dating her friend.

    2. Tell him you are going to become a monk..explain in detail to him all that this will involve.

    3. Give it up, you obviously still have a thing for her.
  • WindwalkerWindwalker
    edited February 2006
    Do I still have a thing for her? Yes, if you mean do I care about her. She's a friend. I don't mind if she wants to date other guys but not if they don't treat her right or mess her about.

    Can we have some more helpful replies please?
  • KnitwitchKnitwitch
    edited February 2006
    When he learns to trust her? Oh I don't think so. In my (relatively vast but now somewhat distant) experience of men, if they start out jealous and possessive, they don't get any better (or women either for that matter)

    If you get a message to her through a third party, you have probably done all you can - warn her that if this new boyfriend wants to separate her from her other friends, that is not very healthy and you are concerned. Ball is then in her court.

    But if this new boyfriend is that possessive, I would be careful about contacting her openly in case she gets physically hurt. Been there, done that - be careful!
  • FrizzerFrizzer
    edited February 2006
    Speaking from my experience I think leaving her to make the decision herself would be the best thing.
    Years ago I was seeing a girl who was extremely possessive. If I didn't see her one evening she'd phone my friends up to find out where I had been. When we were out she even followed female friends of mine into the toilets and threatened them if they spoke to me. She could also be a bit violent, not in a major way, she never physically hurt me but it was enough to worry me.
    Eventually my friends stopped inviting us out and it was that which forced me to face up to the fact that no matter how much I cared for her it was not a healthy situation to be in.

    If I was in the same situation as you I'd give her a few weeks and then contact the mutual friend to see how things are going. It's a difficult situation to be in but good luck.

    Adrian
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited February 2006
    I know this may sound daft, but i think there may be different attitudes, depending on whether it's a woman, with a possessive boyfriend, as in this case, as opposed to a man with a possessive girlfriend, as in Frizzer's case.....

    On the face of it, and in general, I think it is easier for a woman to become intimidated in such a situation, than it is for a man.... a man may find it easier to extricate himself from such a situation, because biologically and physically, he is stronger.

    However, I do recognise that this is a wild generalisation, because I know there are many mitigating factors, and I know what women can be like - so I'm not seeking to create an 'us and them' issue, or make it out to be a "better/worse" scenario....
    It also depends to what degree this jealousy and possessiveness is manifested.

    Keep an eye on things from a distance, but let her know, somehow, that if ever she does need help, she only has to call. Otherwise, I fear your only option at the moment is to stand at the sideline, watch, and wait.....
  • YogaMamaYogaMama
    edited February 2006
    I have to agree with the others...your friend needs to figure this out on her own. I think it would be a nice idea for you to contact your mutual friend, and have her pass the message along that you are there for her if she needs you, and leave it at that. I have also had an extremely possessvie boyfriend back in my teen years, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to get me to break things off with him. I needed to figure it out on my own....people just don't listen to their friends when they are in a bad relationship!

    Frizzer - your new avatar is cracking me up! LOL!!!
  • KnitwitchKnitwitch
    edited February 2006
    Sure as eggs Windwalker, if you go bowling in to "save" her and she doesn't want to be saved, it's you who'll be the baddie on the scene!

    And as the others have said Love is Blind - or There's none so blind as them that won't see"
  • queristquerist Explorer
    edited February 2006
    Frizzer wrote:
    Speaking from my experience I think leaving her to make the decision herself would be the best thing.
    Years ago I was seeing a girl who was extremely possessive. If I didn't see her one evening she'd phone my friends up to find out where I had been. When we were out she even followed female friends of mine into the toilets and threatened them if they spoke to me. She could also be a bit violent, not in a major way, she never physically hurt me but it was enough to worry me.
    Eventually my friends stopped inviting us out and it was that which forced me to face up to the fact that no matter how much I cared for her it was not a healthy situation to be in.

    If I was in the same situation as you I'd give her a few weeks and then contact the mutual friend to see how things are going. It's a difficult situation to be in but good luck.

    Adrian


    I regret to say that I can relate, Adrian. :( The only problem is I'm still there.

    -glyn
  • zenmonk_genryuzenmonk_genryu
    edited February 2006
    Knitwitch wrote:
    Sure as eggs Windwalker, if you go bowling in to "save" her and she doesn't want to be saved, it's you who'll be the baddie on the scene!

    And as the others have said Love is Blind - or There's none so blind as them that won't see"


    Yep.
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