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Compassion for difficult people
I've been trying to bring more compassion and loving kindness into each day. For the most part it's worked and I can even feel my heart growing and warming each time I am mindful of this. Then there is my mother in-law. For me to explain the negative ways she has affected my life would take a long time. However, I'll briefly explain this weekend.
She has been fighting with my husband for a year and a half. They don't talk. Both are the two most stubborn people I've ever met. This is obviously generational for this family. Pride rules all. I've invited her a few times to my house for different occasions. Thanksgiving was this past weekend. A couple of times I reminded her of what time dinner was and she came back with "I'll probably have to work". Everyone else showed up (her three sons and wives, children were all there). She stopped by later in the evening to pick up my oldest child to take her out for coffee. (She does not come in my house, only calls when she is close by and has my daughters meet her outside) Anyhoo...She invited her youngest son to her house the next day for Thanksgiving breakfast. In front of my child. She has continuously alienated us from her house for many things. But now she is excluding my husband with our children as her audience. I have tried (not always succeeded) in keeping my frustrations with her to a minimum while my daughters are present. I did not do a good job when I found out about the most recent secret family gathering.
This woman gets under my skin. I am a mother and cannot understand how one can act like this. I also have a dysfunctional mother and had to cut ties due to the endless abuse. I have an easier time thinking of my own severely abusive family with compassion than I do her.
Advice for dealing with toxic people?
She has been fighting with my husband for a year and a half. They don't talk. Both are the two most stubborn people I've ever met. This is obviously generational for this family. Pride rules all. I've invited her a few times to my house for different occasions. Thanksgiving was this past weekend. A couple of times I reminded her of what time dinner was and she came back with "I'll probably have to work". Everyone else showed up (her three sons and wives, children were all there). She stopped by later in the evening to pick up my oldest child to take her out for coffee. (She does not come in my house, only calls when she is close by and has my daughters meet her outside) Anyhoo...She invited her youngest son to her house the next day for Thanksgiving breakfast. In front of my child. She has continuously alienated us from her house for many things. But now she is excluding my husband with our children as her audience. I have tried (not always succeeded) in keeping my frustrations with her to a minimum while my daughters are present. I did not do a good job when I found out about the most recent secret family gathering.
This woman gets under my skin. I am a mother and cannot understand how one can act like this. I also have a dysfunctional mother and had to cut ties due to the endless abuse. I have an easier time thinking of my own severely abusive family with compassion than I do her.
Advice for dealing with toxic people?
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Comments
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_b.htm
In addition to seeker's great advice, perhaps you could work on letting go of the habit of labelling their actions or "self" as toxic. Said differently, instead of "why in the hell would that toxic person do that?" You could ask "what kind of conditions might bring about such behavior?"
People aren't toxic, we just have conditions of suffering. Suffering leads to all sorts of weird behaviors. As you cultivate compassion for others, it is important to also cultivate compassion for the ones who seem difficult. If you open yourself to see from their view, or even imagine their view, the bitterness and sense of personal offense evaporates.
Then, you can notice how popcorny your mind had become around her, and learn to be silent even when people act selfishly. These people are often our best teachers, as they help point us toward our clinging and labelling that we don't notice otherwise.
With warmth,
Matt
I've repeatedly said she is a gift. Argh. I've heard about Metta Bhavana..but never tried to practice. Now sounds good.
I need to remove expectations. And yes, labeling isn't working in my favor.
Again I reiterate...ARGH! (lol)
Contemplate on and seek to understand WHY she is acting that way... This, in my experience, is the shortest route to compassion for a difficult person... People, imo, don't act in toxic ways because they choose to... They do so because they are suffering greatly and have deep ignorance about the effects of their actions. She likely has suffering many traumatic events and has developed some sort of mental illness.
For ex, my boss is extremely unstable and often seeks out harming people she is upset with.. The turning point for me with her, was when I was able to stop focusing on how angry what she was doing made me, and try to understand WHY she was acting this way... Turned out she had a long-lasting terminal illness that was extremely painful, she also had a tough life marked by many horrible, traumatic events... When this realization set in compassion arrose. Now I'm not saying this means you should expose yourself to toxic behavior and try to cope with is, its often necesary to remove yourself from people like that.... But important not to harbor unwholesome feelings towards that person, and to cultivate wholesome feelings.
Hope this was helpful
A trick I use to help me is to remember that people operate from their own sufferings. They don't know any better. Yes, people have told them how to help themselves, they might have even had some success before, but to truly KNOW something means that you're operating from that along with your sufferings. I try to remind myself of that and then think of how babies crap their pants. Do we get mad at babies for crapping their pants? No, they can't do anything else yet. We all crap our proverbial pants sometimes.
BRILLIANT!
I have learned over the years that it's good to cushion, reduce anger and frustration instead of attempting to completely eliminate it. I always try to remember perspective, buddhist philosophy, and personal health when dealing with such things, and most of the time it is very effective in making irritating problems manageable.
If you consistently remember perspective and active kindness in times of problems, over time it becomes easier and easier.
I have something similar to what treeluvr says: remember that at one time, this foul, terrible person was once an innocent child, just as you once were. Sometimes it helps...and honestly, sometimes nothing works.
basically, I think the best thing is to basically trend towards compassionate understanding and higher tolerance. Feel the anger, then let it go, rather than dwelling on it and trying to wrestle with it. balance it with perspective and active kindness for beings in general.
You might find this essay from interesset as there are often misunderstandings and wrong teachings about (metta) loving kindness and good will.
"Metta means Goodwill"
http://www.dhammatalks.org/Archive/Writings/CrossIndexed/Uncollected/MiscEssays/metta_means_goodwill.pdf