How to tell your family

Metalasaurus

Greetings. I'm new to this forum and just wanted to take a moment to ask a question. I am fairly new to Buddhism. I practice Zen as it fits me the best. My wife fully supports my practicing Buddhism as it has helped me greatly in the area of anger management. However, my parents are very devout Christians. In fact the pastor of my mother's church routinely ridicules Buddhists and mocks the Dalai Lama. My problem is this, I want to share with my family how Buddhism has helped me with my anger, but I don't know how to approach the topic. Most conversations with my mother end with her lecturing me about God and how I need to pray and go to church etc.

Jeffrey

Accept what is. If they don't want you to be buddhist or if they think it is bad then thats the way it is. The thing that hurts the most is having your expectations dissapointed, I think. Let me know if this doesn't seem too helpful.

Metalasaurus

Accept what is. If they don't want you to be buddhist or if they think it is bad then thats the way it is. The thing that hurts the most is having your expectations dissapointed, I think. Let me know if this doesn't seem too helpful.

Actually it's very helpful. I've always known my family wasn't very open minded about other views. I guess I sort of harbored the idea that maybe, just maybe, if they sat down and learned about other ways they would be more accepting. But I know that's not the case.

NomaDBuddha

Greetings. However, my parents are very devout Christians. In fact the pastor of my mother's church routinely ridicules Buddhists and mocks the Dalai Lama. My problem is this, I want to share with my family how Buddhism has helped me with my anger, but I don't know how to approach the topic. Most conversations with my mother end with her lecturing me about God and how I need to pray and go to church etc.

You are not buddhism and Dalai Lama to take mockery on a personal level. If the pastor says something bad, let him talk. In family matter , I suggest diplomacy. Don't tell them right away that you are a buddhist, but begin slowly by saying how a technique... I forgot it's name...oh, yes ! Meditation ! can help people a lot, and you want to try it. Maybe they'll become interested, and eventually accept it, and have a good view of the thing.

zombiegirl

perhaps you can ease them into it by describing what is helpful to you about buddhism without saying the "B" word. for example, someone on here mentioned that doctors call meditation "relaxation response" as a non-religious term. so you could say, "i do this technique called 'relaxation response' for stress relief and it really has made a difference for me."

i think if you really observe what you've learned, you will find that there is no need to say "the buddha said this" or "ajahn brahm said that" or whatever. a lot of it is simple psychology at the essence.

this is all, of course, step one. eventually you will probably just want to tell them, but it sounds as though your parents might be the type to hear the word "buddhist" and immediately assume that nothing good can come from it.

vintagelot

I may not be the best to say what method to use however when I told a work colleague it made me question whether I should even tell my family. In a passing comment to a work colleague I mentioned that I am studying Buddhism and it was via Meditation that I was lured in.

From that moment something had lets say changed the dynamics and there was a sudden need for her to ask me an odd question to maybe test me and how far committed I was. It got to the point where I needed to mention to her to back off and it was my interest in meditation and zen that lead me further nothing more.

The reason it put me off telling my family is that I dont want a inquistion from my family. Its something you need to think about will the reaction of others bother you too much.

ajnast4r

i think, the best way to go about this, is not to mention Buddhism at all! simply discuss the ideas with them. talk about anger, what it is, how it works, how to control it, applying skillful effort etc... just no mention of the Buddha. i would imagine any mention of 'pagan' religions will be an INSTANT turnoff for a devout christian.

The perfection of the Buddha's teaching is that you can completely remove the Buddha(ism) part and it still works PERFECTLY when applied. The Buddha was a GENIUS... he didn't go around preaching 'Buddhism' to people. he engaged them on an individual level without dogma, religion, ideology etc. Its a very successful method of instilling change.

Telly03

I recently went through the same thing... my Mother would consistently post Christian stuff on my Facebook wall, then she noticed I was removing them, so the discussion started... I told her I was studying some other views such a Buddhism, because they made sense and spoke to me. She said "that's great" but don't forget that all writings fall under the Bible... we bantered back and forth a bit, and I thought I was really in trouble because her postings on my wall increased until I told her this... "I will only continue discussing what I'm learning with you if you are not judging me by it, but if you judge me, I will cut off communications" It felt harsh, but she backed off and now we tend to talk about other things now, and no more wall postings... It is really hard for Christians not to judge because it is in their teachings to go out and save everyone or they will go to hell.

vintagelot

@Telly03 this is exactly why I never plan on telling my family. Its not a matter of me being ashamed of Buddhism or any of its values it mostly down to the concept of suffering. If I meditate and think: imagine if there was no suffering or heart ache ever and genuinely wish everyone's suffering to be reduced. How can I tell my parents who have each followed a religion for their whole lives that I no longer follow what they do and cause them suffering.

About the bible quotes, I got that from my work colleague and I am very unlikely to talk about religion to anyone in a work scenario again!

Besides that they have a whole set of life experiences which has lead them to NOT seek out an alternate life style and my life experiences have led me to Buddhism. I would however not enter the god debate with anyone until I was at a stage that I felt I had not doubts about Buddhism as a belief system at the moment I feel its a lifestyle element.

taiyaki

as i practice more and more zen, i come to appreciate the teachings of christ.
my parents are both hardcore christians. i talk to them about how love is the most important thing.

i also talk about how we cannot conceptualize god, nor can we "understand" god.

also i don't identify as a buddhist or zen practitioner. thus i don't feel like there is a problem, thus it isn't worth mentioning. labels/identities divide.

think of it as another chance to practice mindfulness and patience. also engaging with those who are caught in their beliefs. they need the most compassion and empathy.

lol i'm reminded of a quote by ram dass about how if we think we're enlightened we should go spend time with our parents. our parents are a pain in the ass, but they are great teachers in that sense.

i wish you well!

vintagelot

Well said taiyaki

Telly03

@vintagelot

I hear ya, I understand your path to keep peace. I'm very guilty of stirring the hornets nest with my opposing views, and probably not the best action, but also I have learned that I feel better about myself when I do speak up and endure the flames, and in the end, the flames die down and I'm no longer hiding anything. It's like a liberation you get from being honest when asked a tough question.

And if you ever find yourself in a position of defending your beliefs, what I found worked for me, is state that your exploring and learning with no preset boundaries... If your studying Buddhism, your not in the spot light to defend it as an expert, and I have found that this approach has actually led to discussions about what I have learned vs arguments about which belief is correct. Now if I can only learn how to use this tact in political discussions, I'll be golden )

Telly03

Yes, well said taiyaki

Jeffrey

Think how religion is in the province of thinking. For example does an apple taste different depending on if you are a buddhist or a christian? No but in the mind it is a difference. This ignores the impact of the mind/teachings can have. But you are not really from different worlds entirely.

I liken it to two seedling trees one buddhist and one christian. In the beginning you nourish the seedlings and make them strong with teachings. Then you question how these teachings fit into life which is the soil.

At this point each seedling is sharing the soil. They can relate on that commonality yet they have their differences, maybe different leaves and flowers.

So for you its important to nourish and protect your beliefs. At the same time you have the same end goal of happiness.

Mountains

However, my parents are very devout Christians. In fact the pastor of my mother's church routinely ridicules Buddhists and mocks the Dalai Lama.

Ah "Christians". Apparently this esteemed minister has never read the New Testament. Or at least not the one I read as a child.

caz

Greetings. I'm new to this forum and just wanted to take a moment to ask a question. I am fairly new to Buddhism. I practice Zen as it fits me the best. My wife fully supports my practicing Buddhism as it has helped me greatly in the area of anger management. However, my parents are very devout Christians. In fact the pastor of my mother's church routinely ridicules Buddhists and mocks the Dalai Lama. My problem is this, I want to share with my family how Buddhism has helped me with my anger, but I don't know how to approach the topic. Most conversations with my mother end with her lecturing me about God and how I need to pray and go to church etc.

Its probley better not to tell them. I only tell people when they ask.

BonsaiDoug

Perhaps you just need to stop clinging to the attachments you have for what other people think about you and your chosen spirituality path?

Just sayin'.

federica

This is similar to someone asking "How can I raise my children the Buddhist way?"

The answer is - you don't have to.

The Four Noble Truths - have nothing 'Buddhist' about them.
The Eightfold Path - has nothing specifically 'Buddhist' about it.
The Five Precepts - have nothing 'Buddhist' about them, either.

These 17 are all about life, how to best live it, and how to best live it well.

So do that, and your 'Buddhism' will speak for itself. Without ever being mentioned.

Tikal2012

Just forget about them.

federica

That advice is at best, foolish, and at worst, ridiculous and misguided.

Tikal2012

In what way is that so?

federica

You are seriously suggesting he dismiss his family and forget about them?
Where is the compassion and wisdom in that?

Tikal2012

Well. If his emotional attachment to concern for the opinions of his parents causes him suffering, wouldn't he be better of forgetting about them? The compassion in this is for his well being, and the wisdom is in seeing that his attachment to his parents causes him suffering.

federica

No. His concern is how to tell them how much Buddhism has helped him with his anger, but the Pastor at his mother's church is anti-Buddhist, and his mother is trying to convince him to return to the flock.
His dilemma is not the opinions of his parents. His concern is how to break it to them that he is Buddhist.
As I pointed out earlier, telling them is unnecessary.
Try not to put your own slant of 'me first above others', on every discussion you enter into.
That's not compassion for Self. That's egotism.

Tikal2012

No. His concern is how to tell them how much Buddhism has helped him with his anger, but the Pastor at his mother's church is anti-Buddhist, and his mother is trying to convince him to return to the flock.
His dilemma is not the opinions of his parents. His concern is how to break it to them that he is Buddhist.
As I pointed out earlier, telling them is unnecessary.
Try not to put your own slant of 'me first above others', on every discussion you enter into.
That's not compassion for Self. That's egotism.

Exactly, and that's why he should forget about them. If he wants to practice the teachings of the Buddha, and they make him happy, but his parents and their friends are criticizing him and making his life hard, then his life would be made a lot easier if he simply forgot about them.

federica

Well, if you are able to exist amongst people you love, care for and respect, one day, and 'forget about them' the next - I feel really sorry for you.
Because that kind of attitude is what makes people lonely, isolated and alienated, and if you think that's ok, then really, I'm not sure what kind of Buddhism you're following, but I'm telling you now, you really should review your PoV.....

riverflow

However, my parents are very devout Christians. In fact the pastor of my mother's church routinely ridicules Buddhists and mocks the Dalai Lama. My problem is this, I want to share with my family how Buddhism has helped me with my anger, but I don't know how to approach the topic. Most conversations with my mother end with her lecturing me about God and how I need to pray and go to church etc.

Some years ago I was in a somewhat similar position @Metalasaurus. When I was married and living with my VERY fundamentalist in-laws (some of them being actually quite rabid) I was not a Buddhist, but a sort of "liberal Christian" steeped in Eckhart, Pseudo-Dionysius, Christian mysticism and close affinities with Huxley's "Perennial Philosophy." This really put me at odds with my ex-wife's family big time. It made things very difficult for me and sometimes it was like walking on eggshells-- it was actually very stressful!

What I did gradually discover though is that it helped-- not to talk about my own religious beliefs at the time AS MY religious beliefs, but sought out common ground with my in-laws instead. What would be the point of upsetting them with my own religious views? But there were things we did hold in common, though perhaps the reasons were different or the interpretations of them, but still, it helped smooth things over considerably. It doesn't matter what you call "it." You don't have to be explicit in identifying yourself as a Zen Buddhist sometimes. This might be one of those times!

Of course, it is different-- these aren't in-laws-- these are your very own parents. The beauty of Buddhism though is that the ultimate point is what you *do*, not what you believe. Perhaps this is overly optimistic, but maybe in time (years I mean) they might soften their views just by virtue of the fact that they've had direct exposure to *you* rather than some word-of-mouth rumour about the Dalai Lama or what have you.

Just keep practicing and give them more time.

Mountains

Man, oh man. The cynicism meter is off the scale again! If we "just forget about" everyone we have any kind of disagreement with, it will be a pretty lonely world.

vintagelot

Man, oh man. The cynicism meter is off the scale again! If we "just forget about" everyone we have any kind of disagreement with, it will be a pretty lonely world.

I agree, similarly i think emptiness at times has lead me to be a little cold hearted towards people. The reason I haven't told my parents and family is that it spares their suffering not to just forget them or cause/create a distance.

Tikal2012

I would rather be alone and at peace, than amongst others and subject to harm.

federica

Then be alone; but don't expect those around you to either leave you alone, or agree with you.
That kind of attitude is self-defeating thinking; warped and mistaken.

Tikal2012

No, it's actually correct in that when some one comes around to hurt others, I won't be there.

federica

the hurt you feel is what you permit yourself to feel, because their infliction of hurt is not deliberate. They mean well, and as such, it follows they mean no harm and have your best interests at heart, because they love you.
so they don't come around to hurt others. You choose to perceive it as hurt.
That is flawed thinking.

Tikal2012

"the hurt you feel is what you permit yourself to feel,"

Not sure how that is really true, when the harm is coming from another living being, and not myself. If I could choose not to be hurt by another living being, then surely I would opt out, there for it is not by my jurisdiction that I am inflicted pain by another.

"because their infliction of hurt is not deliberate"

Of course. I mean, the holocaust was not deliberate, all of the murders taking place in the middle east are not deliberate, all of the people being raped every day aren't being raped on purpose, it's all just part of my imagination. Some one must have slipped.

"They mean well, and as such, it follows they mean no harm and have your best interests at heart, because they love you."

*Some one stabs me*
Me: "Oh, cheers mate. I've been needing that."

federica

"the hurt you feel is what you permit yourself to feel,"

Not sure how that is really true, when the harm is coming from another living being, and not myself. If I could choose not to be hurt by another living being, then surely I would opt out, there for it is not by my jurisdiction that I am inflicted pain by another.

Of course it's your choice. What other people do, is not your decision. How you take what they do, IS.

``He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,'' in those who harbour such thoughts hatred is not appeased.

``He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,'' in those who do not harbour such thoughts hatred is appeased.

From Here:
http://www.pathofdhamma.com/pairs.html

And also this sutta:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn07/sn07.002.than.html

Whatever you accept, you share, and become. Whatever you decline to accept, cannot taint you.

"because their infliction of hurt is not deliberate"

Of course. I mean, the holocaust was not deliberate, all of the murders taking place in the middle east are not deliberate, all of the people being raped every day aren't being raped on purpose, it's all just part of my imagination. Some one must have slipped.

These are deliberate. of course they are. Deliberate, planned and executed.
A member of your family, wishing you to follow a course of action that they believe will help you, because they love you, is not the deliberate infliction of pain and suffering.
Your argument is fatuous and frankly, unintelligent.

"They mean well, and as such, it follows they mean no harm and have your best interests at heart, because they love you."

*Some one stabs me*
Me: "Oh, cheers mate. I've been needing that."

Show me where in the OP anybody has threatened him harm and deliberate pain,...
Now you're just being idiotic and argumentative.
if you really cannot see the difference between my point and yours, then I think you're just trolling.

Tikal2012

"What other people do, is not your decision."

So that clearly makes it my choice, right?

"These are deliberate. of course they are."

Your point being?

"Show me where in the OP anybody has threatened him harm and deliberate pain"

"However, my parents are very devout Christians. In fact the pastor of my mother's church routinely ridicules Buddhists and mocks the Dalai Lama."

federica

I'm sorry, but really, you're just trolling.

Zero

Neither acknoledge yor belief system nor shirk away from it - rather than thinking about how you could share your illumination with your family, concentrate on the illumination itself and continue along your path - if your family press you then be open with them - you may find a happy unexpressed median where you can both co-exist without conflict or resolution - if not then you lose nothing either in your faith or with your family contact and you continue along your path...