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Difference between grasping and being?
I'm not sure if this is a beginners or advanced topic but I've put it under the beginners category as a way of asking you to keep your explanations simple for me!
My dilemma is to define where self-grasping ends and 'just being' begins. I'm married with three children and I understand that wanting my kids to be perfectly behaved angels is grasping for what cannot be attained. My daily practice includes seeing them as the perfect souls that they are and loving them, even when they are noisy or mess up the house. Accepting what is in this case is rather clear and my path to freedom from this suffering is similarly clear. I'm even comfortable with my role as educator and that expressing my love may include teaching my children that noise effects those (unenlightened) around them and how to keep a tidy house to maintain their health and wellbeing.
Now are more complicated example: I could work harder to get a promotion to have more cash handy so that my children can enjoy a private school education and I live with less family time and accept a loveless marriage. OR I could spend a year in a Buddhist monastery and leave my family to fend for themselves entirely. OR I could leave my wife and shack up with a tantric goddess but still participate in raising my children.
The first option I see as accepting the status quo, the promises I have made, the current societal standards and expectations, my role as a father in that society. Am I freeing myself from suffering by simply not judging or questioning where I am and what others expect of me?
The second option (hiding in a monastery) is (possibly) giving up any notion of what anyone around me expects and focussing all my life energy on a (possibly selfish) pursuit of enlightenment.
The third option allows me to accept strong personal desires (ie the tantric goddess if very appealing lol) and I free myself from others expectations and can also have more time to meditate and find enlightenment while still participating in this society I live in (raising my kids).
Now these options dont really match up with my life but are simply examples for discussion. Perhaps another way of discussing it might be in regard to sex: Monastic life = celibacy and freeing myself from those urges (or denying or ignoring them lol), marriage = meeting others expectations, tantric goddess = acknowledging my desires and freeing myself from others expectations.
Perhaps yet another way to phrase the question is where is the line between action driven by suffering and action that is not?
At the risk of sidetracking people I can even mention ego. If my nature is sensual, what level of this ego is driven by grasping (which will cause suffering) and what is "just being" and free? (Quick note: one of Buddhas teachings (5 somethings?) is avoiding sexual misconduct - the expression of sensuality I'm suggesting is not what I would call misconduct).
Alright I better stop with my examples lol. But its something that has been sitting uncomfortably with me for many years. It seems to me that too much "giving up" might result in complete inaction or seclusion, or alternatively of just letting others have their way with you. And yet other options dont seem to match with the core teaching to give up this grasping...
My dilemma is to define where self-grasping ends and 'just being' begins. I'm married with three children and I understand that wanting my kids to be perfectly behaved angels is grasping for what cannot be attained. My daily practice includes seeing them as the perfect souls that they are and loving them, even when they are noisy or mess up the house. Accepting what is in this case is rather clear and my path to freedom from this suffering is similarly clear. I'm even comfortable with my role as educator and that expressing my love may include teaching my children that noise effects those (unenlightened) around them and how to keep a tidy house to maintain their health and wellbeing.
Now are more complicated example: I could work harder to get a promotion to have more cash handy so that my children can enjoy a private school education and I live with less family time and accept a loveless marriage. OR I could spend a year in a Buddhist monastery and leave my family to fend for themselves entirely. OR I could leave my wife and shack up with a tantric goddess but still participate in raising my children.
The first option I see as accepting the status quo, the promises I have made, the current societal standards and expectations, my role as a father in that society. Am I freeing myself from suffering by simply not judging or questioning where I am and what others expect of me?
The second option (hiding in a monastery) is (possibly) giving up any notion of what anyone around me expects and focussing all my life energy on a (possibly selfish) pursuit of enlightenment.
The third option allows me to accept strong personal desires (ie the tantric goddess if very appealing lol) and I free myself from others expectations and can also have more time to meditate and find enlightenment while still participating in this society I live in (raising my kids).
Now these options dont really match up with my life but are simply examples for discussion. Perhaps another way of discussing it might be in regard to sex: Monastic life = celibacy and freeing myself from those urges (or denying or ignoring them lol), marriage = meeting others expectations, tantric goddess = acknowledging my desires and freeing myself from others expectations.
Perhaps yet another way to phrase the question is where is the line between action driven by suffering and action that is not?
At the risk of sidetracking people I can even mention ego. If my nature is sensual, what level of this ego is driven by grasping (which will cause suffering) and what is "just being" and free? (Quick note: one of Buddhas teachings (5 somethings?) is avoiding sexual misconduct - the expression of sensuality I'm suggesting is not what I would call misconduct).
Alright I better stop with my examples lol. But its something that has been sitting uncomfortably with me for many years. It seems to me that too much "giving up" might result in complete inaction or seclusion, or alternatively of just letting others have their way with you. And yet other options dont seem to match with the core teaching to give up this grasping...
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Comments
Your children are just that: Children.
When they're good, they're good.
When they're naughty, they're naughty.
Praise them when they're good, steer them in the right direction when they're naughty.
All actions are driven by desire.
But not all desire is unskilful.
I am not a parent so scould me if you want to. But this is the dilema of having kids, a house, a family and everything that comes with it, desires. It is how you view the true nature of reality that you then can start to drop certain desires.
I hope this helps...
Tom
They are what they are, and even as we try to work with them skillfully... we let go of the results and accept what happens.
While certain activities lead to certain kinds of suffering -example: becoming a monk avoiding suffering, becoming a worker frustration suffering . The Buddha teached that the cause of suffering its no activity, but craving ( i am that, identification with specific matters). Activity can be c
What I seem to be hearing though is that its not the action but more the intent and what it is that drives me (the craving or grasping). But to do ANYTHING requires some form of motivation. From where does this motivation stem if not from some form of craving??