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Child abuse & karma
I would like to know how I should consider my stepmother in view of the verbal,emotional & physical abuse she showered upon me as a child. It was bad enough with my own mother ( who I forgive ) who abused me. She became mentally ill after I was born and could'nt really look after me whilst I was a child so my father really brought me up. My mother committed suicide a week before my 13th birthday. My stepmother was very cruel to me and I find it hard to forgive her let alone show compassion towards her. I developed schizophrenia in my early 20s and was involved with christianity for a long time but had some falling outs with them. I have had the delusional belief for a long time that I am evil....even the devil ( antichrist ) and that is why I have had such a rough childhood and adolescence. Basically I think that is my karma and that is why I have suffered so much. I can not bear my stepmother and want nothing to do with her. She is so arrogant and conceited and she put me through hell whilst I was living at home. Does anyone have any constructive criticism or advice for me ? I know I am not a saint. Damien.
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"Come with me on a journey into the past, as if, years later, people set out to return to a place where things of major importance happened.
But this time, no dangers lurk, the war is over. It's as if the old warriors, long after peace was settled, walk over the battlefield again where they had to prove themselves. Now the grass has grown again, and trees blossom and bear fruit. They might not even recognize the place. It is not as they remember it. They need help to find it.
It is strange how differently we can respond to danger. A child stands, frozen in fear as the big dog approaches. Mother comes, picks it up, the tension resolves, the child sobs. And soon, it looks at the terrible dog with interest, from the safe height of mother's arms.
Another one, after cutting himself, can't bear to look at his blood. As soon as he turns away, the pain eases.
So, it's really bad when all the senses are caught in what is happening,, if they can't come into play one by one. The person is so overwhelmed that he can't see and hear and feel what is really going on.
And now, we go on a journey where everybody can see the whole as he wishes, but not all at once. And to experience the whole, he can have all the protection he wishes. And where he can understand what matters, one thing after the other. And you can even be represented, like someone who sits comfortably in his armchair, closing his eyes and dreaming he is going on a journey. He is really staying at home safely, and asleep, and yet experiences everything as if he was there.
the journey takes us into a town, once rich and famous, but now desolate like a ghost town of the wild west. You can still see the tunnels where they dug for gold. some houses are still pretty intact. Even the opera house can still be seen. But the place has been abandoned. For a long time, memory alone lives here.
Undertaking such a journey, one is looking for a knowledgeable guide.. so arriving at the place, memories come to life. So, here it was what shook his soul so terribly, what he can hardly bear to look at , even now because it is so painful. But now the sun is shining above the desolate town. Where once upon was life, crowdedness, and terror, it has become calm, nearly peaceful.
They walk through the streets, and they find the house. He still is hesitating whether he wants to risk entering, but his companion goes ahead, to look around and to make sure the place is safe now and there is still something reminding of the other times.
Meanwhile the one who stayed outside looks down the empty streets, and memories emerge of neighbours and friends who used to be there. Memories of scenes where he was happy and cheerful, full of life and burning for action, like children whose zest can't be stopped because they move ahead, towards the new, the unknown, the far, the wide, the adventure and even danger. This way, time is passing.
The companion is waving to his friend to come. As he enters the house, he looks around and pauses. He knows who could have helped him in those days that he would have been able to bear the unbearable. People who loved him and who were strong and courageous and knowing. Now it is as if they were here, as if he heard their voices and felt their strength. Then his companion takes him by the hand, and they open the next door.
to be continue...
but then his feelings overcome him, and behind that which is obvious, he feels the pain, he feels the love. It occurs to him that he has come home and sees the depth where neither right nor vengeance have a place. Where fate is at work, where humility heals, where powerlessness brings peace. His helper hold his hand so that he feels secure, and now he breathes deeply and then he lets go. And what has been damned up for so long can now low away, and he feels light and warm.
As this is completed his companion asks: " May be you took on a burden here which you must drop because it was never yours and you should not have been expected to carry it. May be a usurped wrong: as if you had to pay a debt you never incurred. Leave it here. And also other things that must feel alien to you: a sickness, a fate, a belief, or a feeling which belong to others, not to you. And also the decision which was to your detriment, leave them here."
The words are soothing. It is as if he had carried a huge burden, and now he is putting it down. He draws a deep breath and shakes his body. At first he is as light as a feather.
The companion speaks again: "May be you also dropped something here or abandoned something that you need to own as it is rightfully yours. May be a talent, a deep longing. May be guilt or innocence, memory or confidence. the courage to live fully to do your deeds. Now gather it all and take it with you, into your future."
And to these words, he agrees as well. Then he considers what he gave away and what he has to take back now. As he receives his own he feels the ground under his feet, he feels his own weight.
Then the companion leads him a few steps further to a door in the background.
They open it and find... the secret which reconciles.
Now he no longer wants to stay. It is time for departure. He thanks the friendly companion and gets on his way.
Back at home, he needs some time to find his way in his new freedom and his old strength.
But secretly he is beginning to plan a new journey, this time to an unknown land."
I hardly recommend a family constellation: http://www2.hellinger.com/en/
Maybe there are some professional at in your area. I am not sure it it makes sense to work that online out.
It's very important to have everybody at the right place and to not bear things of others. *smile*
First, the other people in your life. I was also abused by a stepfather, and it took me a lot of time to work through the emotions. Now I do have compassion for him, because he missed out on a great relationship with a bright, loving son who needed a father figure, instead of using me to make himself feel good when he was angry. It was his loss as much as mine. That doesn't mean I have much to do with him today, because it doesn't help him or me to remember a painful past. I grew up and found a different way of dealing with life, while he remained a bitter, angry old man. So yes, I feel compassion for the man he could have been, and what could have came about because of it.
For yourself, first I know it seems like a mountain of suffering because it's yours, but everyone has their own particular bag of issues to deal with. Everyone. And each of us feels like most people don't have it as bad. It's natural. No, you are not responsible for the people who raised you as a child. You did not choose them. And while some Buddhists will try to say a mythical past life somehow earned you a sucky present life, that's just trying to force justice onto karma where it doesn't belong. You can be born with the genetic problems that affect the mind, or abused during the formation of the mind and be damaged, but you are NOT "born evil" and neither were your parents. You were born human, with the tendency to learn the wrong lessons in life and the ability to suffer.
There's a famous Buddhist story about a man shot by an arrow and questions he asked, but I'll skip that. If you focus on what to do now about your suffering, you realize it doesn't matter what happened in the past or how you got here. What matters is what you do now.
Hope this helps.
Its good to accept the parents as a part. *smile* Otherwise it will be always a run away but still not free. *smile*
I can empathize with the difficulty you would have in relating to your childhood. Perhaps before looking to settle your view of your stepmother, it would be appropriate to settle your self view.
If you witnessed a child being abused in terrible ways, what might you feel for that child? Would you scoff at them and denounce their goodness as evidenced by the abuser's agression? Would you wish to hold that child and let them know that it would pass and it was not their fault?
From my perspective, it is a sad reality that the suffering of parents gets pushed into the minds of their children and step children. I am very sorry for all of the pain that children endure, and even as I accept the reality of the happenings, my heart feels a longing to help silence those patterns in the world.
From that longing, I can look back at myself and the child I was, and rather than attributing good and evil qualities to the child and looking in terms of "deserved"... I can look at my childhood in terms of loving kindness and healing. There is a fantastic book called "Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child" by Thich Naht Hahn, which outlines a great path of cultivating this type of view.
With warmth,
Matt
Start training the mind all the problems we have come from there if you can move out of home and into a more productive environment I wish you all the best.
Caz.
Imagine that someone has done me great harm for no apparent reason. How should I handle this situation? Normally, I might take revenge - I might plot to harm him back. What result does that bring? I suffer even more and so does he.
But perhaps I can see the disadvantages of retaliation, so I stop myself. Instead, I silently hate him. That is a better solution but still inadequate. Perhaps I come to forgive him but still do not understand him. This is better still, but a long way from turning the situation into a positive one.
One profound Buddhist technique is to offer the victory to your enemy. This may seem very unnatural, but it is possible and can bring amazing results. This practice has nothing to do with being a doormat. What it means is that instead of trying to cause harm to someone who has harmed you, you do completely the opposite and actually try to help that person. This is the victory, because it becomes the cause of happiness for both you.
In Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life, Shantideva says:
The victorious warriors are those
Who, having disregarded all suffering,
Vanquish the foes of hatred and so forth;
(Common warriors) slay only corpses.
This is an amazing way to look at things, isn't it?
(The above is an extract from Buddhist Psychology, by Geshi Tashi Tsering).
Hope that helped!
You can either carry on suffering, or do something which takes a lot of courage, but ultimately heals the wounds.
Is there any reason now that you have to have anything to do with your stepmother? You haven't mentioned your father. Can you maintain a relationship with him without involving your stepmother? Does he understand what you've been through? Are you able to discuss this with him, to explain why you need to see him apart from the stepmother for the time being?
RE: not being a "saint": just think about how you would like to be treated. Think about how that boy you were would like to be treated. And treat others the same way. If that's sometimes difficult, work on the anger. Life does get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Go to to the light. You're already on your way.