No Expectations

AllbuddhaBound

I sometimes work with people who have issues with anger. In order to protect anyone from being identified, I have changed a few details but overall, the gist of what happened is as described.

This person came into see me, and he had experienced some problems with his temper. He had been going to divorce mediation, and he anticipated everything would go his way. He was innocent, he expected everyone would tell the truth, justice would prevail and all would be good. As so often happens, what we expect is not necessarily what we get, so to make a long story short, he was so upset as one thing after another did not go the way he assumed they would, he jumped into his car, started driving like a maniac, was pulled over by the police and he was charged.

I asked him what he thought would have happened if he had no expectations of the outcome. He stated that he would not have become angry at all. He would have dealt with it as well as he could and he would not be in the predicament he is today. Yes, he would have been unhappy about the outcome in court but he would not have heaped on all of the problems he presently had.

That got me thinking about ways that I had unrealistic expectations and what would happen if I was able to eliminate my expectations. I decided to try it and see how it effected me. It was extremely freeing in a number of ways. I had a tendency to not get angry at all but what is more, I changed the way I related to other people when I interacted with them. By removing the expectations, I was able to eliminate my agenda. I could be more real with people and act towards them in a way that was more genuine. When I did something for someone, I really did something for someone. It allowed me to open my heart more and this has positive implications for the practice of Buddhism.

I suggested it to a few of my clients and the results were extremely good. They too experienced the same uplifting experience and were able to let go. In other words, to not become attached to outcome.

I meet people every day who imagine anger is a huge obstacle that requires humongous effort, brains and determination to "overcome". It can be a revelation when we realize things can be changed with such ease.

AMH

Thank you for sharing. I realize that there are situations that I have clear expectations (quite the buzz word at work) and other times I let what happens, happen. I certainly am more peaceful even in negative circumstances in the 'no expectation' category. Sometimes I even have a great thing happen and have to work on accepting it because it was not part of my expectations.

Of course I am not thinking of a person who I do not have expectations of listening to me who could really benefit from this message.

aura

A colleague had always demanded of others and had also prided himself on "having no expectations," and so I have had genuine difficulty lately understanding his anger over this one particular failed project. How could he (or anyone else for that matter) ever have had much in the way of expectations of this particular project? It had been a lost cause with insurmountable odds against it from the very beginning. Apparently he must have had more in the way of expectations for it than he had ever let on, but had never admitted it, apparently in order to reduce his vulnerability to disappointment over this lost-cause project. Thank you ever so much for your posting; it has helped me gain clarity.

possibilities

....very valuable advice, so simple and so do-able. Thanks, Allbuddha :thumbsup:

compassionate_warrior

This is a good story, a good lesson about clinging to a certain outcome. But the crux of the matter, in part, is that the guy was, as ABB says, "innocent", and expected everyone would tell the truth. It's difficult for us to see our own innocence. Until we get more life experience, we do tend to naturally think that people will be truthful. Not to mention the fact that people are required to swear on a bible in court that they'll tell the truth. It's perjury if they don't. So, his expectations in that regard were not unreasonable. Maybe he just needed a better lawyer.

Oh well. It sounds like he learned a valuable lesson about expectations, and it also sounds like he may have engaged in a degree of fantasizing about the outcome, as we often do about the future. Another Buddhist lesson.

pegembara

You can't argue with reality. Everytime you do that you will suffer. What happened happened and resisting it is not seeing things as they are.