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Developing social skills
Any one here ever tried to develop social skills using books or websites..? Any recommendations? I don't mind being alone the vast majority of the time but I've been single for about four years now and I'm ready to change that.
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lol number 2 :crazy:
Exposure to all kinds of people is good, it will help you learn all kinds of behavior, good, bad, or indifferent. I recommend surrounding yourself with positive people,or understanding people as @Ada_B mentioned.
My parents did not teach me empathy, or to consider others feelings. I learned please and thank you, that was about it. So I grew up to appear to be a very selfish kid, and at that time I very likely was, having been raised as an only child. I never had to compete with siblings, and there was not much in the way of accountability with my parents.
That was just an example of what parents should bring to the table in raising a child, basics to help them navigate the world. If they don't a socially awkward person results. Also, it's just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.
watch the non verbal communication that you give off and that others give off. watch expressions, gestures, movements, speech, tone, proximity.
just pay attention.
ultimately naturalness comes from just accepting ourselves and other as they are. with an open heart that no longer clings we are free to be who we are.
thus we can relate better and see what's really here.
social skills don't develop and those that we develop are just forced and contrived. they can be seen through. a child will just laugh at you and those who are wise will laugh at you more.
it's cliche but just be who you are.
harder said than done, but that is what we all want isn't it? just some intimacy with everything.
buddhism is all about intimacy. paying attention. accepting things as they are.
cultivate a mind that just see's and appreciates. then only good follows.
Someone dies, you say "I'm sorry for your loss"
Someone holds a door for you, you say "thank you".
Honestly it's not the words we want to hear, because that's all they are is words. We are looking for acknowledgement, that is to say we understand or are understood. I can see where this could be considered intimacy.
So, go on, observe others, take what you need, and then discard the rest. Always be yourself, and put your particular spin on things. Best of luck.
There is a happy medium (a middle way) between pointless, trivial conversation and discussing the meaning of life! Try listening to what others talk about and follow their lead - join in conversations, or start conversations about things that are immediately in front of you. If you put aside your own Ego, which wants to talk about the things you want to talk about, and learn to consider others conversational needs, you may start to improve your skills.
I have poor social skills too, as I'm on the autistic spectrum, but for me, its a problem of interrupting and being over-enthusiastic. I don't mean to, but people can think me rude and loving the sound of my own voice, so I'm trying to learn to listen and observe more. However, I know my skills are much better than they used to be as I can cope with unfamiliar people much better than I used to. It's all a matter of paying attention and practice.
Perhaps you should think of communication as something you *give* to another person: it's about them, about showing them you care about them and are interested in their thoughts. It is not about "being true to your nature", as if inside you is this great big 'I' which must be expressed.
For example, I have an Aspergers friend who once went on a date with a girl. Afterwards, I asked him how the date went.
"Not so well," he said. So then I asked him what happened. He didn't really know what went wrong, just that she seemed angry.
"What did you talk about?" I asked.
"Chess," he said.
"Was she interested in talking about chess?"
"I have absolutely no idea," he said.
You see, what he should have been doing on the date was get to know the girl more. But what he did was indulge his passion for talking about chess. It was nothing to do with her, what she was interested in or would have enjoyed. If he could only have put aside his wishes, for a couple of hours, and focussed on her, he might have got a second date. At the very least, she'd have had a more pleasant evening instead of being bored to tears.
The tragedy is that the girl was left with the impression that my friend was a selfish, unfriendly person. Which is not really what he's like at all - if you can just say to him "Shut up about chess!" without offending him.
when we come with a chalkboard full of ideas we can never be intimate. we only see our desires, our problems, me, my, i, this, that, etc. when we are come with fresh eyes or the beginners mind...we can actively just engage with the world. with open mind and heart. whatever comes be it small talk or complex talk or just silence or just a smile is as authentic and sincere as you can be.
i can say i love you.
or i can say i love you as my heart opens towards you.
there is a world of difference.
when we allow everything to be as it is, then we see infinite potentiality expressed infinitely. out of such allowing arises pure spontaneous action moment to moment. this is what life is about. it is about being open, spacious, welcoming, and totally accepting.
want to develop social skills? know thyself, but studying the self. learn to forget the self, but only see the self in relationship. where else is the self but in relationship?
wisdom of clear seeing automatically functions as compassionate letting go. be kind. meditate. be kinder.
Right now i have so many conversations. meeting, difficult things coming up with staff and parents, etc. I am getting lots of practice. In the really difficult conversations i find that active listening is essential. Once people feel heard then they will work with you, if they feel misunderstood or cut off then they react instead. This generally works for even conversations that are not tension filled.
Active listening sounds like engaged questions. So susie is telling you about her vacation and instead of 'sounds like fun' (btw that is better than nothing) you could listen for details and ask about those. 'that sounds like fun, did you hike every day you were camping?'. Avoid the chance to start jumping in about your vacation and they will think you are awesome.
Here is my funniest story that proves people just want to be listened to. My dad is an extreme introvert, like weekends without speech. So we had a party when my oldest was born and he couldn't handle people so he stood in the back yard. Our smoker friend went out their for her habit and came back glowing. Apparently she had the best conversation with my dad about new agey type things. really, so I asked careful questions of her and pretty much figured out he had not offered more than a grunt here and there. No reason to pop her bubble, but just standing there like a statue worked in that case.