Being defensive + Buddhist practice

InmostLight

I've had a difficulty with being seen as someone that's defensive and easily offended by others. I cannot understand how others see this in me, and I feel I simply find their "jokes" and teases not funny, which they think I'm taking offense to by not laughing at. However, perhaps I am somewhat defensive though it's not in my conscious awareness.

For a small example, a friend tells me "experimental music is garbage, it just sounds like noise". I would typically respond along the lines of "no, it really just has a different goal from most music and needs to be listened to and interpreted differently". All the time they will respond "woah I was JUST JOKING! I didn't mean to offend you" and I will be confused as I wasnt offended... They just had a different opinion.

Another example would be someone saying something like "you're a workaholic and need to just come hangout!". Ill respond by explaining I have a business and it takes a lot of dedication to operate, thus the long hours. Immediately, they say sorry and often tell me that They were joking and often tell me that I'm acting defensive.

is it even important to realize whether or not one is more defensive than others? I feel that regardless, if there's a way I can acknowledge my peers' statements while remaining true to my Self, then I can further my growth. What form of meditation or practice may be beneficial for this? Any specific passages on Right Speech that you feel may be appropriate?

I'm also thinking that Non-self would be a large factor in this as I should practice to put less weight on how others see me. However, I'd still like to connect with others more strongly by not appearing to be overly defensive. I tried being silent, keeping calm, smiling and responding in a short respective response to these "jokes" my peers make, though the outcome is often the same.

Thank you and namaste

shays860

My first thought is that it could be a matter of voice tone or facial expression. Is there anyone you could ask in person that might be better able to address that possibility (as I doubt any of us are familiar with your tone of voice)? Second thought is that it could just be that they are immature or to sensitive or just have low social intelligence. I don't imagine it really matters. As long as you are trying to show them loving-kindness I think that is all you can do. I don't know how to put this part without it sounding condescending but maybe you could treat their "jokes" as you would a child's. they might not really be funny but you just kind of laugh anyway out of kindness. As long as you are trying your best with your interactions with these people then I don't think you are accruing any bad karma. You could remain true to yourself by knowing that however you interact with them it is in keeping with the Dharma. The only specific practice I know to recommend is Vipassana but you probably already practice that. Contemplation of non-self could indeed be helpful especially if there is some unconscious defensiveness coming through. With meditation practice and contemplation of non-self you may be less concerned with self image (not to presume you're overly self-conscious) and then respond spontaneously with right speech.

ajnast4r

I've had this problem a bit as well... If you are quieter, more stoic personality then this could be the cause. Sometimes people confuse quiet speech and mind with someone who is angry or offended because that's how most people get when they're angry & offended (and ONLY when they are angry and offended). Most people would probably look at the silent meals & such at a monastery as a negative thing.

That being said, I've found for myself that really trying to observe your feelings and your body language during these situations it may open up some new insights. Sometimes the butt-hurt is VERY subtle and difficult for us to see, but very apparent to others.

Also, it's not necessary to have a retort for everything someone says that you don't agree with or that isn't true. That is, and will be interpreted as, being defensive. My best friend left me with a beautiful insight after him and his long term girlfriend broke up... 'it's more important to get along than to be right'. A friendship or relationship is not about dry analysis of the facts (as appealing as that is to most Buddhists, non-Buddhists generally will find this displeasing), but more about carrying on conversation and interaction with the intent to share, love, exchange, support, etc... even if that means smiling and nodding when someone else says something stupid and clearly untrue.

two types of situations to think about:

situation one:

friend: "experimental music is garbage, it just sounds like noise".
you: "no, it really just has a different goal from most music and needs to be listened to and interpreted differently. "

situation two:

friend: "experimental music is garbage, it just sounds like noise".
you: "it's definitely an acquired taste... not for everyone! "

you're essentially expressing your disagreement and like for experimental music in both situations, but the are obviously very different in how they will be interpreted.


Same thing with the work situation... crack a joke about yourself, talk about how you're so busy with work, you wish you could go out... etc etc. Your overall message is the same, but the delivery is very different.

compassionate_warrior

I think both Shays and Ajnast4r have made good suggestions. My first reaction was that it was your friends who are the defensive ones. All you were doing in both instances is calmly (I assume) giving them information. Most people are able to do that with out getting a negative reaction. So either your friends are defensive, or there may be a tone-of-voice issue or body language issue on your part that you're not aware of. Frankly, I agree that experimental music is noise, but I found it interesting that "it has a different goal ... and needs to be listened to and interpreted differently". I find that comment educational. Suddenly I'm intrigued about experimental music, about investigating it further under someone's guidance. That opened my eyes. So I don't see a problem, though I think Ajnast4r has a good approach as well.

I don't think those people were joking. I think something about your manner in responding to them caused them to try to retract the statement. I think the wording of your responses is normal and reasonable. Another question to look at might be: why are your friends not interested in your POV? A true friend would probably respond to the first situation, "Oh, really? Are you into that stuff? What's it about, how does it work, 'cause I really don't get it?" and the second, "I didn't know you have it so tough (with or without apology). Is there some time when you can catch a break, and we can hang out?" Is it possible you need to check out a different crowd?

InmostLight

Thank you for the responses! I definitely take tonality into consideration and reply in a way that's a neutral response and not as if I'm taking offense. I feel that the "I'm Joking" statement is a backup response people often use if they think the other is intended and many use it regardless.

Shays860 - Laughing is definitely an option and I feel it helps a bit, though often I genuinely don't find it funny. I find it difficult to find people my age that don't make over-said sex jokes, comments on hetero/homosexuality, etc... which they commonly joke about. So a lot of my friends make these jokes, yet we do share other areas in common. If someone says a statement like this to me and I don't laugh, they feel like I'm taking the comments to heart and apologize saying it was a joke.

ajnast4r makes a great point about being a quieter, more reserved person, and the quieter responses are sometimes interpreted as the ones taken to heart even if it's just how one typically responds.

Thanks for your response too compassionate warrior. Some people just don't have intention of venturing into deeper thought art forms, philosophy (in general), etc... so I focus on what I can discuss with them and where we do hold similarities. Just when an ulterior interest is brought up that isn't mutual, it's often one of those things that they reply "I'm joking" to more. Sometimes even before I respond they hastily say that they're joking before I even respond.