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meditation on something you are stuck on
I have my half dozen attempts to get to the core of something, and I keep thinking and then write something, then erase and go another layer down.
So under it all I guess I feel an expectation from what I do. Like i want it to show for something but wanting it to show means something specific to me, and I think I am getting into ego. It is complicated by also feeling I am called to do something with all this I have practiced and learned. I do, we all do use it every day. Every time we get to interact and take something that could be negative and turn it so the negative is absorbed into everything instead of passed on. doesn't matter what job we do, if anything, we can do this.
So I have a paired stuck spot I have been working on that just got pushed. One part is not being seen in your own town/family/close people as being someone that has value in what they do. So being seen as the crazy one or the broken one when you know you are stronger than they can see. And then wanting to help them so much, seeing and feeling their pain without judgment but being shut out. Right now I have a huge list of people that every time I think of them I think something healing and something that is already just good enough as they are. I just keep doing this, and I keep on absorbing so much, and sometimes I lose it and even think there is some lesson in that for me and others (like please listen when someone speaks!) And the reactions to doing this focus has been intresting. One person that is heavily in a victim situation for many reasons is the one i keep sending thoughts of how competant they are, how I see their life free from abuse, etc. She has stopped calling me. And others, I have this image of the strongest wall ever and i have done things like just lean against it or one time when I was angry i dumped a bunch of shorse shit against it until it grew flowers. in that case there was a crack in the wall for a time, we will see how long.
So I am tired and just wanting to set my mind in my meditation and just not sure about it, either still extending to others or to take a break and close off to care for myself in a way that is not hurtful.
So under it all I guess I feel an expectation from what I do. Like i want it to show for something but wanting it to show means something specific to me, and I think I am getting into ego. It is complicated by also feeling I am called to do something with all this I have practiced and learned. I do, we all do use it every day. Every time we get to interact and take something that could be negative and turn it so the negative is absorbed into everything instead of passed on. doesn't matter what job we do, if anything, we can do this.
So I have a paired stuck spot I have been working on that just got pushed. One part is not being seen in your own town/family/close people as being someone that has value in what they do. So being seen as the crazy one or the broken one when you know you are stronger than they can see. And then wanting to help them so much, seeing and feeling their pain without judgment but being shut out. Right now I have a huge list of people that every time I think of them I think something healing and something that is already just good enough as they are. I just keep doing this, and I keep on absorbing so much, and sometimes I lose it and even think there is some lesson in that for me and others (like please listen when someone speaks!) And the reactions to doing this focus has been intresting. One person that is heavily in a victim situation for many reasons is the one i keep sending thoughts of how competant they are, how I see their life free from abuse, etc. She has stopped calling me. And others, I have this image of the strongest wall ever and i have done things like just lean against it or one time when I was angry i dumped a bunch of shorse shit against it until it grew flowers. in that case there was a crack in the wall for a time, we will see how long.
So I am tired and just wanting to set my mind in my meditation and just not sure about it, either still extending to others or to take a break and close off to care for myself in a way that is not hurtful.
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