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Infidelity and Attraction
ThailandTom
Veteran
I am only 23 yes, so fairly young and some would suggest niave. However, I have had what I would consider three profound relationships with a partner in that time, one spanning three years, another two years and the one I am in now fourteen months. I have never cheated, that is one thing I am very strict with, probably because my father cheated on my mum twice causing a whole lot of problems as a child. But anyway, as in another thread there is a woman in my Thai Language class who is Russian. Last lesson only me and her attended and we actually got on really well, had some jokes and had mutual conversations. I also have a degree of knowledge on body language and it would appear that she was interested in our conversations and time spent together.
I do love my girlfriend, we have been through a lot and she is a wonderful person. The thing is I am finding myself sort of falling for this Russian girl. Masybe it is because she is a farang and I have seen Thai people for so long it is a kind of breath of fresh air. I have had friends that are girls in the past, but I am starting to feel more for this person in the sense of a spark, a connection. It is not really anything physical, more based around communication and a connection. How do I go about dealing with this, I hesitate to say from a buddhist point of view, but this is a buddhist forum...
I do love my girlfriend, we have been through a lot and she is a wonderful person. The thing is I am finding myself sort of falling for this Russian girl. Masybe it is because she is a farang and I have seen Thai people for so long it is a kind of breath of fresh air. I have had friends that are girls in the past, but I am starting to feel more for this person in the sense of a spark, a connection. It is not really anything physical, more based around communication and a connection. How do I go about dealing with this, I hesitate to say from a buddhist point of view, but this is a buddhist forum...
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Comments
Budda Quotes, Brainyquotes.com
Namaste
Meditate on the subject, and think about all the things you may lose if you end your 14 month relationship with another women you only know in your class, and find out what truly will make you content in your mind.
I know my current girlfriend would be very hurt, she has scars on her wrist when she broke up from a 15 year relationship, and some times her behaviour can be irrational when we argue, so I would not like to imagine what would happen if I were to take this further.
I do not know though if I could have a friendship outside of the classroom and not give in to desire, because that is basically what it is when I contemplate it. Desires inevitably also induce suffering at some stage.
@Bodha8, it is not so simple, it may seem black and white but there are greyscales. I like to get outside points of view on certain matters because some times that is what it takes to guide one in the right direction.
- Do you think that's the only interesting girl you'll meet while in a relationship throughout your life?
- Why are you in a relationship with you current girlfriend?
I think if you answer these two questions truthfully to yourself you'll find an answer.
If you want my cynical opinion...most people start relationships without knowing why. Loneliness, lust, status or personal enpowerment....It's tough to analyze why we truly started a relationship once we are already in that relationship. We have a great ability to bullshit ourselves.
I do agree that we are good at lying to ourselves, however my ideas about human sexual behaviour includes an acceptance that fidelity is a choice and attraction to others does not equal infidelity.
I like the ideas as expressed by author Christopher Ryan - I saw a recording of his talk entitled " If you want fidelity, get a dog" at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas event held at the Sydney Opera House. I have also found this shorter tape on You tube in which he shares some of the same information
What is emotional cheating?
This type of affair is often characterized by:
Inappropriate emotional intimacy. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the faithful partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer.
Deception and secrecy. Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount of time they spend with each other. An individual involved in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her spouse that they are doing other activities when they are really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no physical intimacy occurs, the deception clearly shows that those involved believe they are doing something wrong that undermines the existing relationship. In other words, if there was really no harm in meeting with a friend, both parties would feel comfortable telling their partners the truth about where they are meeting and what they are discussing.
Increased fighting. When a person becomes emotionally involved with a third party, they may view the new person as all good and their committed partner as all bad. This person may blame their interest in the third party on their committed partner, which will lead to increased fighting and strain on the relationship.
An emotional triangle. One that may only be known to the unfaithful, who then struggles to keep the other two from knowing of the impact of one upon the other. Denial will likely characterize the unfaithful person's response to an invitation by their spouse to reflect on the competing demands of the relationship with the other person.
Sexual and emotional chemistry. Sexual and emotional chemistry can present itself based on a physical attraction one might feel for another person. In addition, it can also be related to an increase in dopamine, a hormone that produces feelings of pleasure, and norepinephrine, which is similar to adrenaline and causes an increase in excitement. This may or may not lead to physical intimacy, however, if nurtured it may present itself. The time between the first meeting and a first kiss can often be very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and sexual intercourse may be very short. In most of these affairs, however, an unspoken attraction exists. A partner may spend extra time getting ready before seeing this "friend" or may buy new clothing or change their appearance in order to seem attractive to them. They may obsess anticipating phone calls, emails or text messages.[8]
Denial. Denial of the presence of sexual behavior, sexuality or even of an atom of limerence. "Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual." This denial can be exhibited by the cheating partner and/or the partner being cheated on, especially if the partner cheated on is male. If the cheating partner accepts that the element of sexual attraction exists, however, and physical contact starts, it can cause the current relationship to start collapsing.
Betrayal. There is an implicit betrayal of values, believed to have been shared, about the sanctity of a relationship based on love, of the idea of a soulmate and of being faithful to fundamental agreements underlying intimacy, that are perceived by the spouse not involved in the affair to be a core of their committed relationship and world view.
You have done nothing wrong and are a good man for resisting temptation or at least not pursuing it farther yet. I don't buy this "infidelity of the heart" business which is a thought crime if there ever was one.
I'm 21 and engaged to a beautiful woman who is slightly older than me. She has one friend who is stunningly gorgeous, whom I have no shame in noticing and being friendly with. But I know that's the limit of it. Stay on the straight and narrow. Fifteen minutes of pleasure is not worth jeopardizing years od happiness. I'd take the class at a different time or even discontinue it.