Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Judgemental "friends" ?
still_learning
Veteran
My girlfriend has a group of friends that she regularly hangs out with. This group tends to be judgemental. They are not overtly so, but after a while, it is noticeable. They are generally nice and generous people, but we always feel that we have to be extra careful when speaking to them for fear that they will think of us weird. They are generally conservative, so any kind of weird/wacky joke or statement would be looked down upon, and they would slowly ostracize the violator.
Sounds horrible doesn't it? But these friends are important to my GF because she has struggled to have good group of friends. To be frank, my GF is also judgemental (something she trying to mitigate), so she understands and fits in with the group in a weird sense (birds of a feather I suppose).
My problem is that I've recently been around this group a lot during the holidays. I was very drained by the end of it, and got annoyed with the effort needed to watch what I say. It's not like I spew out offensive things out of my mouth, it's just that they are more sensitive to anything outside of their world.
I don't hate them, since they are generally nice people, I just don't want to hang out with them as much.
I would not choose to have friends like that, but they are important to my GF because she sees them as "normal". They dress nice and are well mannered, and don't make crude jokes, have normal jobs, normal income, college educated, not ghetto. Normal is important to her because a lot her early life she always felt awkward, weird, a social pariah, and not normal. To her, this group of friends is her ticket to being normal. If she can be accepted by them, then she can feel normal. She treats them extra nice in order to gain their acceptance.
I constantly tell her that she shouldn't have to stress so much if they were her true friends. And I also tell her that "normal" is overrated.
What bothers me is that she has other friends who are not judgemental at all, and accept her for who she is and all her weirdness, and yet she doesn't hang out them as much.
I'm guessing she's going through a phase where she really needs to see what's it's like to be "normal". And after that maybe she'll see that it's not all that it's cracked up to be.
Sounds horrible doesn't it? But these friends are important to my GF because she has struggled to have good group of friends. To be frank, my GF is also judgemental (something she trying to mitigate), so she understands and fits in with the group in a weird sense (birds of a feather I suppose).
My problem is that I've recently been around this group a lot during the holidays. I was very drained by the end of it, and got annoyed with the effort needed to watch what I say. It's not like I spew out offensive things out of my mouth, it's just that they are more sensitive to anything outside of their world.
I don't hate them, since they are generally nice people, I just don't want to hang out with them as much.
I would not choose to have friends like that, but they are important to my GF because she sees them as "normal". They dress nice and are well mannered, and don't make crude jokes, have normal jobs, normal income, college educated, not ghetto. Normal is important to her because a lot her early life she always felt awkward, weird, a social pariah, and not normal. To her, this group of friends is her ticket to being normal. If she can be accepted by them, then she can feel normal. She treats them extra nice in order to gain their acceptance.
I constantly tell her that she shouldn't have to stress so much if they were her true friends. And I also tell her that "normal" is overrated.
What bothers me is that she has other friends who are not judgemental at all, and accept her for who she is and all her weirdness, and yet she doesn't hang out them as much.
I'm guessing she's going through a phase where she really needs to see what's it's like to be "normal". And after that maybe she'll see that it's not all that it's cracked up to be.
0
Comments
"friends important to GF.....GF is also judgemental"
"drained with effort to watch what I say"
"I don't want to hang out with them as much"
"they are important to my GF...ticket to being normal"
Hmmm... I'm not a fan of waiting for a GF to change. What if she doesn't? Maybe if you received further understanding of her needs and values you would know better how to procede.
I might just try not watching what I say around the friends just to see what happens. :rockon: :rarr: :mullet: :rocker:
You might be surprised.
On the other hand, we also hang out with my friends, and they are not judgemental at all, and we always have a good time with my friends.
The "in-crowd", that's exactly the right word for it. That's how she sees them. And yes, that's exactly what she's trying to do, finding somewhere she belongs. I've felt lost once, not having a group of friends to belong to. That's why I'm understanding of what she's going through. To be honest, I initially chose the wrong group of friends to seek acceptance from, but eventually joined up with friends who accepted me for who I am with open arms.
To me, from what I've learned, friendships shouldn't be so tiring. With my friends now, I feel I can hangout with them for weeks and not feel annoyed or mentally drained. They are like a second family to me. I've been very blessed to have friends like that. So I hope that my GF will one day find a way to have friends like that too.