Dealing with parents' divorce as an adult child

ClayTheScribe

My mom announced she was divorcing my dad about a month ago. I am 26. It was not a total surprise, their marriage was an emotional wreck in that they had stopped listening to each other. My mom had separated once before six years ago. I was initially happy about it. It was miserable going over there and hearing them snipe, bicker or outright argue with each other. Christmas was rough, but I got through it. Last week when my meds got messed up, all these emotions I had not been dealing with surrounding the divorce came to surface. I discovered I had a lot of anger that I had put away. Anger at my mom for her bad timing, anger at my dad for kicking her out of the house before Christmas, anger at both of them for acting like children. I had been trying to practice the compassion I have learned as a Buddhist, but apparently I need to do something with my anger. My real question is how do I be compassionate toward them while still setting boundaries and keeping my anger in check? They've obviously given me a lot raising me, how do I know when I am giving too much of myself to them? I got a book called The Way They Were and it's been pretty helpful so far, but I just want to be a responsible Buddhist during this process.

Spaceless

You have the answer for yourself. as a child of yr age, you should be able to feel grateful to your parents who raise you up. Rest on this gratefulness towards them instead of their imbalance - this is buddha way for the palpable troubling situation that you are in now. it is not easy for yourself due to no wise person like me to show you hahaha and accumulated alot of bad memories over your parents. Be grateful in you. may you and family be well be safe and be pureland

DharmaField

Don't take sides, be very mindful of your feelings and be kind to yourself, and don't try to rescue them.

Thats my two dimes worth, having been on both sides of the coin. : )

Lady_Alison

I would not get in the middle of it...in a few years they will be in a happier place without one another...you have enough on your plate so help yourself.

Also, divorce is not the end...it may seem like it...don't make their problems your own...

Besides, anger hardly listens to reason...you have to wait until it passes.

This does not mean that your relationship with any future girl will be the same...if that is you lot.

Anyway, I feel for you but you seem calmer today. Yay

ClayTheScribe

The depression has passed for now. Last week was an opportunity to feel emotions I had neglected. I won't make the same mistake again. Thanks for your advice. I know as long as I am mindful and compassionate my future relationships will not end up like my parents, though a part of me still fears it.

vinlyn

My parents divorced when I was only 2, but they remained friendly toward each other. It was not uncommon for us all to be together (with my grandparents, with whom I lived) during holidays and sometimes in the summer, and throughout my childhood and teen years there was little stress. As an adult I continued to have rather equal (though not overly close) relationships with both mom and dad. They never spoke ill of each other. They often asked about each other, and once my father asked if my mother ever said negative things about him. I responded with the truth: "She said she couldn't live with you because of how much you drank." My father responded by saying, "She's absolutely right. But if you lived with your mother, you'd drink, too." And he was right, as well. Near the end of their lives, they actually began to occasionally correspond and talk on the phone once in a great while.

I was quite fortunate in that there was never any outward animosity between the two. They just seemed to understand that they could not be married to each other.

ThailandTom

What will be will be. If you say you are not surprised it has happened, then you can obviously see that it is not working between them. I am sure that if and when they are totally apart, it will be better for them and for yourself in the long run. Think of their well-being, constantly arguing and being in a state of suffering because of each other is no way to live.
When I was a young child, my parents argued a lot. I cannot remember too much of my chidhood before my dad left, but my mother says she stayed with my dad after he cheated on her for the sake of me and my sister. That turned out to be a bad choice because the relationship obviously had problems and when you are 7 years old, that really is not healthy to be around.

You are a lot older and mature, yet of course it will still cause you suffering to experience such a thing. However, it will pass as everything does, at the moment it may seem a part of 'your world' has been shaken up, but it will soon be a normality and not so much a burden on your mind. Try to think of thier happiness and that it will be aloud to blossom if they are apart. I wish you guys all the best, Tom

Lady_Alison

Clay? Fear is your problem...

And fear is nothing trying to be something...

I want to take you sky diving...you can't hear your thoughts when you are up that high. It's awesome. I think the ego is a fearful entity, afraid of dying. So it flees from activities that require extreme awareness.

But we must kill parts of it, gently. We must. Or it will try to kill us. And if we cannot rid ourselves of it completely, then we watch it.

We watch it and learn from it.

Know thy enemy.

ClayTheScribe

Why does the ego want to destroy me if it requires me to live?

ClayTheScribe

Is my shadow really my ego?

Lady_Alison

The ego is hard to describe but in my experience it can take form of a negative thought process that feels like this: "i am worthless, I never do anything righ...people are happy, why can't I? Well, not everyone is meant to be happy...i guess i'm not. I hate myself..i hate being this way... Dying would be better...then I wouldn't hurt anyone. Then I wouldn'thurt."

It has a dark quality and violence on the host, you. Because you believe thethoughts.

andif you are already in a sad, depressed, angry or fearful mood, it will only feed it.

In extreme cases it succeeds to kill thehost.

You must have already given it a name...that is identifying it. So what you have to realize is that those thoughts are.not you...

You are not the thoughts, emotions, or body. They are a part of your essence.

Your true essence is love for yourself and others. So if your thoughts are peaceful and helpful, you are very close.

I believe that biologically we are engineered to survive. That is innate, we share that with animals.

Although I must say that I have never seen an animal commit suicide.

But I am not a doctor. I am offeringalway perspective...which I suggest you fervently seek. I noticed that the more clarity and perspective I had, the easier it was to hear the bad thoughts and just smile.

Spend atleast 50% of your everyday with other people and visualize the way they see things from their perspective.

Be a scientist of your own life.

Forever curious.

Lady_Alison

I read shadow. I am happy you have identified it...that's good.

Shadow seems like an impetuant child that cries when he doesn't get what he wants.

but I wonder if you are indulging the child?

Obviously there is no shadow, he only exists in your mind...

Use your pain, suffering, shadow only as a means to help you, then let them go.

You don't need them.

They are like flickers of a flame.
Your essence is the sun.

Lady_Alison

Is my shadow really my ego?

Ego can take many forms.

Even false spirituality.

Lady_Alison

Also, you are not an adult child.

You are an adult.

it takes time to learn how to be one...most adults are always afraid. So are soldiers before war, but they put it aside and fight anyway.

You can still fight and be afraid. That's called bravery.

Zero

The family unit is your first experience of the human social experience and the seat of your earliest nurturing experiences - countless research has shown that many key character traits root back to this period of development - many social dysfunctions trace themselves back to an unstable or nonexistent family unit.. it is however a fact of life that sometimes things just dont work out.

Anger is a common response - in part, as with all relationships, there is the premise of mutual trust - when this trust is broken (whether through fault or otherwise), the reaction to rejection is often anger... this is natural.

If you have the available tools and skill to 'therapise' yourself then you will need to contemplate on the matter... it is often the case that formal talk therapy with a professional can assist at the outset to provide you with a different perspective and thus form the foundations of a more reasoned contemplation... it could be said even that talk therapy is a form of 'talking meditation' consistent with Buddhist practice...

The statistics are stacked aganist you... children of divorced families are more likely to suffer substance abuse, be involved in crime and also have failed relationships themselves... but it seems that youre aware of what is happening (esp your concern that you wish to be 'responsible') so with some help and with time, you should be able to work to a place that meets your needs...

Good luck - I know what its like to be from a divorced family and it does have ripple effects that reach far into the future - I had serious trust issues growing up and I was a very angry young man... but its just a state of mind and in no way permanent.