what is forgiveness?

Lady_Alison

Mostly I hear
"Forgive others, but don't forget"

That usually means that you realize they are human but that you learn and are cautious from the experience.

It is easy to forgive others but when it comes to myself...I feel that forgiving is a luxury or a mercy that others impart on me but that I can not do for myself.

Maybe I am too hard on myself.

But who is going to push if I don't.

Let's say that I have injured a relationship beyond repair and my friend still loves and forgives me...has little trust but understands my limitations and immaturity. Even so, wants to be my friend. But I am afraid to commit the same mistakes.. and I do not want to forget nor forgive. Is it possible to have too much hurtful past.

I see this in families where the only solution is estrangement or divorce.

Shouldn't we hang on to a measure of our past so that we never ever hurt anyone again?

So if anyone can speak my language...I wonder if they could describe what forgiveness for self is.

I find it easier to forgive my teen years...but not things I have done in the past five years.

So does forgiveness for self need time?

Jeffrey

For transgressions I've been taught to regret, remedy with good acts, and take refuge in the triple gem..

It is said that like the moon coming from behind the clouds your radiance to shine on other beings can come from behind a cloud of misfortune.

I don't think it's bad to remember mistakes, but we can let go of the past. And move on. Murderers have become buddhas according to scripture! Angulimala for example.

taiyaki

forgiveness is not about the other person.

its about you. resentment is a hot coal we carry around.
but no this is my hot coal i want it.

forgive and snuff the demon.

taiyaki

also as we read this. where is your stories?

it's just thoughts that we cling to. let non existent things sleep.
everything moment is a fresh.

Zero

Shouldn't we hang on to a measure of our past so that we never ever hurt anyone again?

So if anyone can speak my language...I wonder if they could describe what forgiveness for self is.

I find it easier to forgive my teen years...but not things I have done in the past five years.
So does forgiveness for self need time?

Referring to our past is useful in determining how a consequence may relate to an action... this alone however may not be sufficient to prevent future suffering.

Forgiveness for self... *phew* you like to ask tough questions @Lady_alison! As in the Llama vs Zen story... I feel to shout "I dont know!!" hahaha.... uuum... perhaps forgiveness for self is the acceptance of the action / consequence principle and taking responsibility for your part in that equation - perhaps in part also reconcilling your emotional responses within that framework...

Everything needs as much time as is needed for that task...

vinlyn

forgiveness is not about the other person.

its about you. resentment is a hot coal we carry around.
but no this is my hot coal i want it.

forgive and snuff the demon.

Not necessarily.

I have had people sincerely ask me for my forgiveness. That is about them...and me.

And I have sincerely asked people for their forgiveness. That is about me...and them.

And I have forgiven people without being asked. That is about me...and them.

Jeffrey

It's definitely about a relationship, but it is also about each person. In order to give forgiveness or ask you have to have a vulnerability which is a kind of mastery in a way. But it's definitely involving bonds between people.

forgiveness is not about the other person.

its about you. resentment is a hot coal we carry around.
but no this is my hot coal i want it.

forgive and snuff the demon.

Not necessarily.

I have had people sincerely ask me for my forgiveness. That is about them...and me.

And I have sincerely asked people for their forgiveness. That is about me...and them.

And I have forgiven people without being asked. That is about me...and them.

Lady_Alison

I ask because I have a hard time letting go of my past mistakes...and I also tend to forget and not learn from my mistakes, which we know cause suffering.

But beating yourself up is not the answer.

Maybe making a place for the past, like a Mental box with thelid slightly open is close...so that we can look back and examine...until we are sure that we are no longer that person.

Because we are constantly changing. I now that I am not the same teen I was and I know that I would never do the things I did, for example. That makes it easy to forgive myself.

But for things that happened recently...no. I don't trust myself enough, I don't know myself well enough and I am good at deceiving my own self.

Thank you all for your comments...I self analyze all the time.

vinlyn

I ask because I have a hard time letting go of my past mistakes...and I also tend to forget and not learn from my mistakes, which we know cause suffering.

But beating yourself up is not the answer.

Maybe making a place for the past, like a Mental box with thelid slightly open is close...so that we can look back and examine...until we are sure that we are no longer that person.

Because we are constantly changing. I now that I am not the same teen I was and I know that I would never do the things I did, for example. That makes it easy to forgive myself.

But for things that happened recently...no. I don't trust myself enough, I don't know myself well enough and I am good at deceiving my own self.

Thank you all for your comments...I self analyze all the time.

I don't believe in the concept of "forgive and forget".

I prefer "forgive, let go, but remember".

If someone hurts me or treats me badly, I can fairly easily forgive them, and I can let it go, but I think it is wise to remember what the hurt/action was, because it taught me something about them (and about me) that...when remembered...may provide a more effective relationship in the future.

And I treat myself in the same way. I make mistakes. I can forgive myself. I can place the mistake in a mental box labeled "there's no longer anything to do with this". But, I don't want to forget my own weakness and what it has taught me about myself. I want to remember and modify my future behavior.

Lady_Alison

Thank you @vinlyn...most wise..I always enjoy your input because you are an elder. Much respect..and I didn't think of it like that.

nanimo

Forgiveness of "self" is a hard thing without a doubt.

The Buddha would likely say that there is no "self" and that this lingering perspective on the matter is merely karma playing itself out, but that isn't a very comforting answer when one is being haunted by past misdeeds.

All else I would venture is (given that I am this way as well) would be to remind oneselfof the first few lines of the Dhammapada.

"Mind preceeds all mental states. Mind is their chief; They are all mind wrought. If with an impure mind a person acts or speaks suffering follows as a cart wheel follows the foot of an ox"

"Mind preceeds all mental states. Mind is their chief; They are all mind wrought. If with a pure mind a person speaks or acts happiness follows him like a never-departing shadow."

Long story made short, I quote Obi-wan Kenobi "Be mindful of your thoughts Anakin they betray you."