getting sober

Talisman

I don't know what to do. I have managed to quit smoking green once again, for which I feel very accomplished and a lot healthier. I have been trying to quit drinking for about 5 months now and every now and then I make it about 2-3 weeks, but I just keep falling off. I am seeing a therapist about transitioning mtf and she seems to be withholding hormone treatment until I can show I am capable of maintaining sobriety for an extended period of time. Last year I went about 8 months without drinking AT ALL, but had one beer and have been stuck since.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel so much pressure from friends and even family to drink socially. Every time I am about to have my first drink I feel so sick and uncomfortable, just knowing what I'm going to feel like. Three drinks in and it takes serious force of will to stop. I want to be able to hang out with friends and be comfortable without drinking, it's just a lot easier said than done.

Lady_Alison

It seems like you are at your wits ends or burned out by your ways. That is a good sign that something deeper inside wants sobriety.

I suggest you get into a group such as AA...with a sponsor.

It maybe that for a long time you won't be able to see your friends in social settings or even at all until you get your problem under control.

Godd job on taking the first step. Meditation will help. . . There are many people here who will respond.

Metta

BonsaiDoug

I suggest you get into a group such as AA...with a sponsor.

I too agree. Even if you're uncomfortable with their "higher power" approach, I can guarantee the fellowship aspect works. People who share both the addiction and the desire to eliminate it, can provide a powerful incentive. But it truly must be one day at a time. Your "long term" goal simply needs to be the next 24 hours.

And a good sponsor is a tremendous help. You need that one person who will always be there should you waiver.

I know. After 36 years, I remain a Friend of Jimmy K.

Zero

agree with L_A - here are many organisations such as the AA that specialise in treating addictions - ultimately it is a personal choice - they have established techniques that could assist you - if you have an issue with alcohol, your friends will understand and you can adapt your lifestyle - it takes time and dedication but if others can do it then so can you - good luck with your challenge - sure you will surmount it when you are ready.

RMSmith

Stay strong. Wishing you the best.

weighted

Definitely agree with the responses about going to AA. Also, as @Zero says, if your friends and family realize you have had issues with alcohol in the past, speak openly to them about your desire to stop. I would hope this then eases up any pressure you feel from them to continue drinking.

I suppose keeping in mind, too, that your transition is dependent on this and it will make you healthier on many levels in the long run should also be incentive to stop drinking.

I think that when you feel the urge to drink, if you use that opportunity to be mindful or meditate that perhaps the urge will pass.

Metta.

Talisman

It's just hard sometimes because I don't drink like every day or anything, mostly just the weekends, but I binge when I drink. When I tell my friends I want to quit drinking because I think it's unhealthy and I think I have a problem with it, they are always like, "You don't have a problem, stop tlaking like that, you barely drink at all, at least you're not as bad as X, it's ok to drink every once and a while, you're just blowing off steam" etc. For me though, there are specific religious reasons I have for quitting in the past and the future and with me being in school full time again and beginning my transition and everything I just don't want to be bogged down by the desire to drink. Not to mention, when I get drunk I turn into a freaking idiotic mess because of all the drama going on in my life regarding my coming out and everything sooo .. there's embarrassment on top of everything else.

ugh it's just stupid

Jeffrey

@Talisman, I think you need to have a strong clarification to your friends about how the drinking is making you suffer. "Every time I am about to have my first drink I feel so sick and uncomfortable, just knowing what I'm going to feel like." That doesn't sound like blowing off steam to me. It sounds like you really have grown out of or grown to hate drinking.

Lady_Alison

Sorry dude, you may have to make a choice between sobriety and keeping those friends.

If they are your friends they would be doing what we are and we arw strangers...encouraging to seek out help, understanding and trying to support you.

You can make sober friends too, we are much more fun. And crazier...but atleast we always remember what we did.

Who wants to experience sky diving high?
...it's already an experience..

weighted

Agree with @Lady_Alison. And also with @Jeffrey that it sounds like you've already chosen not to drink, but you are being peer pressured to some extent by these friends of yours. Why can't you just cut off contact with them for a while, focus on yourself and sobering up, your issues with transitioning and whatever else you're dealing with?

After you've developed a habit of not drinking, perhaps rekindling your friendships would then work and maybe instead of going out binge drinking with them, you might instead go for dinner or coffee to change the dynamics so drinking is not the focus or center of your outings.

Talisman

I'm not a dude.

And especially in this point in my life I'm not about start throwing away the few friends I have who are supportive of my transition. Considering my own father has pretty much completely cut off communication.

Whether or not I drink is a decision I make for myself, I'm just trying to come up with ways to be more confident in my ability to just say no when it is offered.

Lady_Alison

My bad.. well, then you pretty much have it figured out. Sorry, if I was disrespectful. This community is here if you need to vent. Many have struggled with addiction and offer advice from experience.

Much luck.

Zero

Lots of people come under the category of friend but perhaps not many of them actually know you all the way to your core - the natural inclination of a kind acquaintance is to proclaim that youre normal and you dont have a problem - they're no doubt trying to reassure you.

Having an issue with anything is less about frequency and more about your relationship with that thing... it sounds like you wish to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol - lots of great advice on here on how to do that.

Resolve in yourself how you wish for that relationship to play out - put the plan into action - your friends will fall into line as when you are resolved - your point wont be "I think I may have an alcohol problem" but rather "I'll have a soft drink please"... people around you will respond to the outlook you naturally project...

From my understanding, you have already started down this path and admitting issues to yourself is, I understand, the toughest part - well done on your courage and strength and good luck in discovering you version 2.0...

Jeffrey

@Talisman, what kind of setting and is there a non-alcoholic beer choice? Maybe if you have something it will appear as if you are having part of the group fun? And what I discovered in drinking NA beer was that although the drug didn't hit my brain and alter me as a depressant I still felt emotionally whatever that drug does for me. So with a NA beer I would feel a relaxation and lift.

Your friends might feel a sense of you peeling away, like 'somethings not right with Talisman lets get him drunk'.. Friends don't always know what we need and we have to tell them even if we get a little angry.

Talisman

"lets get him drunk"

...

but yeah, I hear where you're coming from. A lot of the times when I'm out with friends, I'm trying to make an active effort not to drink and it can make me seem distant or upset. Which is definitely the case since I'm purposely dealing with my addition and it kind of brings me down.

weighted

@Talisman is in the process of transitioning MTF, so I think we should show our support by not calling her him.

Lady_Alison

I call everyone :dude, darling, little one, honey and child. But yeah, your profile didn't list you as female.

Everones OP IS FEMALE.

weighted

I realize it's an expression. I'm just trying to draw attention to how even that little expression can cause her grief during her transitioning period.

Jeffrey

Talisman, thats just because it happened to me and I am a him. Partly why. But partly when I joined the forum I thought of you as a guy. A lot of the people on the forum I envision as a sex. For example Vajraheart I envisioned as a female and actually had a slight affection towards until I learned that she was a he. Dakini I thought was knew was female because a Dakini is defined as a female. People know I am a male because my handle, Jeffrey.

So don't take offense. If your sign was 'little buttercup' I would think of you as a female!!

But I will try to adjust!!!

Dandelion

Hello.

It seems like there is a lot going on for you at the moment... my initial thoughts were to simplify your life, where you can... and by that I just mean a sort of restructuring: not going to social occasions where there will be alcohol might be something to consider initially, don't put yourself in a position that you know even before you go, it is going to put you under any added pressure. Good friends will be happy to meet up and spend time doing things that don't involve alcohol. I do wish more bars would start selling more interesting non alcoholic drinks though; non alcoholic cocktails, or just stuff beyond the typical lemonade and coke. There is a mentality associated with drinking, and you mentioned it in one of your posts where you were talking about your friends saying you're 'just letting off steam' - well, yes I suppose that is exactly why A LOT of people drink, but it sounds like you want to find a healthier way to let off steam rather than drinking which as you say causes more problems, rather than aids you during this difficult time. Other than writing on here, do you keep a diary? I don't know if the suggestion of one is helpful, but my thoughts are that it might help you to organise your feelings and then you might be able to navigate your way through this time in your life a bit easier. It sounds like you know how you feel, yet you are not fully identifying with it to the point where you are able to act upon how you feel with regards to the drinking. There will be reasons for this, and you mention that you don't want to lose your friends (a possible reason), but I think perhaps they don't realise how upsetting this is for you. Please talk to them again, and ask them if you and them (individually or as a group) can socialise doing something where alcohol isn't included. If they are worth their salt then they will. Good for you with giving up the green too
Wishing you all the best,
Dandelion.

Talisman

I don't have very many opportunities to spend time with friends at all since I'm a full-time student and work full-time as well. The times when I do hang out with friends, they want to make a "deal" of it since I don't get out much, which is why there are usually drinks involved. I'm trying to come up with thigns to do that don't involve getting drunk, it's just tough.

In regards to me being trans, I am not trying to be defensive at all, and I completely understand people slipping up espeically when you don't know me personally. I try to point it out in simple ways so as not to bring attention to things. It is painsful to be referred to by male pronouns.

Dandelion

I don't have very many opportunities to spend time with friends at all since I'm a full-time student and work full-time as well. The times when I do hang out with friends, they want to make a "deal" of it since I don't get out much, which is why there are usually drinks involved. I'm trying to come up with thigns to do that don't involve getting drunk, it's just tough.

In regards to me being trans, I am not trying to be defensive at all, and I completely understand people slipping up espeically when you don't know me personally. I try to point it out in simple ways so as not to bring attention to things. It is painsful to be referred to by male pronouns.

Ok, so you understand why they involve the drink, BUT why don't they understand why you don't want the drink involved? Friendships are (sorry for the cliche that's coming up) a two way street. It's not just up to you to find things to do that don't involve alcohol either, they can play their part in that too.. what are your interests @Talisman? And, what interests do your friends have?
B.T.W. I know my writing isn't written in an attacking way, but what I don't know is if my participation where I'm asking a lot of questions might come across that way.. sometimes I think lots of questions can seem that way, so just to clarify, it's not meant to sound harsh. Trouble with writing is you can't hear the tone, what's technology going to do about that, eh?!

Dakini

What I understand, Tal, is that a) you have friends who are supportive of your transition and b) some of these same friends, who you are understandably unwilling to let go, are unsupportive of your "transition" to sobriety.

Keep your eye out for potential new friends to add to your mix who are supportive of sobriety. There are plenty of people like that out there. (Us, here, for example.) The only way to kick the habit is to have support. Can you find others who are also transitioning to sobriety, so you can support each other? AA was mentioned. What about Buddhist centers? You have a very heavy schedule you're juggling. Would cutting back a little on the courseload be an option, so you can make time for making new friends?

vinlyn

...You have a very heavy schedule you're juggling. Would cutting back a little on the courseload be an option, so you can make time for making new friends?

Or would that extend his educational program, thus prolonging the status quo? And, it's changing the status quo that is key here.

Talisman, it's been my experience that as you transition from one stage of life to another, your "cast" of friends pretty much changes, as well. Yes, there are those occasional "friends of a lifetime", but they are few and far between. When you transition from being primarily a student to being primarily a professional, your cast of friends will pretty much change, anyway. Perhaps it's time to push that envelope a bit.

Best of luck.

Talisman

I like the "transition to sobriety" statement. That makes a lot fo sense to me. Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate it

federica

(I think subconsciously it could be the TalisMAN' that seems to steer people towards a masculine persona... If the word 'Taliswoman' existed, you'd no doubt get a more accurate reference....
Mind you, nobody's ever associated the Menopause with guys.....other than in comedic circumstances...)

Have you tried hypnosis....?