Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Dealing with Anger
Hello,
New to the forum but for the last couple of days I have been pondering the best way to manage my anger.
I have not yet started analytical meditation, but I believe I am already improving my life by questioning the negative aspects of my life.
One such problem that I have is road rage. If someone slows down in front of me, or is driving inconsiderately, i get very angry. The last 2-3 days everytime this happens, I try not to manifest it outwards and instead try to think of why I am getting so angry.
What is the best way to deal with anger when it arises? I know it's not good to just dismiss it, and you should take the opportunity to say instead, "Here comes anger again, how can I best manage this?". I think as of now, I am dismissing it more than I am actually dealing with it. As a result, I am afraid that dismissing it like this will lock up the negative energy instead of actually dealing with and dispersing this negative energy.
This is one of my biggest flaws I believe, not only to road rage but anger in general.
Does anyone have experience with this to guide me? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
Sean
New to the forum but for the last couple of days I have been pondering the best way to manage my anger.
I have not yet started analytical meditation, but I believe I am already improving my life by questioning the negative aspects of my life.
One such problem that I have is road rage. If someone slows down in front of me, or is driving inconsiderately, i get very angry. The last 2-3 days everytime this happens, I try not to manifest it outwards and instead try to think of why I am getting so angry.
What is the best way to deal with anger when it arises? I know it's not good to just dismiss it, and you should take the opportunity to say instead, "Here comes anger again, how can I best manage this?". I think as of now, I am dismissing it more than I am actually dealing with it. As a result, I am afraid that dismissing it like this will lock up the negative energy instead of actually dealing with and dispersing this negative energy.
This is one of my biggest flaws I believe, not only to road rage but anger in general.
Does anyone have experience with this to guide me? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
Sean
0
Comments
Anger is an emotion common to everyone, and manifested to various degrees and in different ways...
I personally perceive it and permit it to arise... It's an emotion like any other, and just as 'valid' or legitimate as they are... there is no reason why you should never feel anger. But it's important to recognise its transitory quality, and to know that it too shall pass...
It does have the nasty habit of causing us to forget ourselves, and it is then, that we react inappropriately....
Observe it arise: acknowlege it: recognise that it is there within you, and breathe through it.
Anger is sometimes a good thing, in that it is a useful fuel for helping us right a wrong....
Like Fire, it is a good servant, but a bad Master....
When others react out of Rage, focus on the fact that you don't know what's going on in their lives at the moment, and they are reacting out of a desire to exert a control on what is happening around them.
Anger is a reaction to a loss or absence of Control. Just don't let loss of control lead to anger....
thank you for the advice.
Just in the last week, by realizing I am angry and acknowledging it, I have noticed that I still get angry, but not as angry as I normally do. Which is a good thing, now with guidance and advice I believe that I can manage it much better.
A couple of other things I think I need to work on with my feelings is paitence, jealousy, judging etc...
I have always been told that I am a very caring and compassionate person, but recently I have realized that when I am compassionate towards someone, I judge them too quickly ie: "I have given this person advice, I dont think they'll live up to it, because they don't have good character."
The next thing I need to try to do is not to judge people quickly and not to put myself on a pedestal and perceive myself as better than them, which i do all too often.
Any reccommended readings as I start down the path?
Exactly what I was thinking.
Sometimes, when working with the emotions we're dealing with at the moment, if we look at the other person and why they do things - it (sometimes) might change our reaction.
Are they cutting you off because they don't like you? They could be in a hurry, stressed, or just singing along to a really good tune! There was no animosity or maliciousness directed towards you. In fact, if you had the chance to ask them why they did this thing (that is really teeny, tiny and of no significance in the big scheme of things) they would probably apologize and feel awful.
I've got a couple of spots on my day to day drive that could (and used to) drive me nuts. Now I just prepare for it and just recognize that this is a spot where people are going to do goofy things with their cars. Now I find it somewhat amusing.
I wouldn't strive to remove anger. Anger is an emotion like anything else. It shouldn't be made to feel bad because it's anger and not.... a momentary feeling of bliss. Bliss, and the want of it, can be just as dangerous as anger - when not controlled.
-bf
If you haven't read it already, I found "An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life" by His Holiness the Dalai Lama to be a very good book for the beginner because his audience is so vast and varied. I also really enjoyed his book "How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life". Both are wonderful guides for the new Buddhist as is anything by Thubten Chodron who speaks especially well to Westerners.
As to your question, you'll probably receive a few answers that differ from each other because our membership is quite varied and we don't always agree. That is a good thing because it gives us a wider range of understandings which helps to keep our minds flexible. Take what is useful to you at the time you are reading it and put it into practice. Ideas, opinions, thoughts and so on are not what Buddhism is really all about. It's about practice, your personal practice, and the knowledge you gain from it. Clinging to ideas and opinions tends to make our minds rigid which is not a good thing. So having a wide range of ideas to choose from here on this site is a good thing.
Having said that, my understanding of anger is a bit different from Federica's in that I don't think there is any situation in which an angry mind would be better to have than a calm mind. I consider anger to be an afflictive emotion that can be uprooted before it arises and causes harm. This is done by training our minds through practice and meditation. I'll use HH the Dalai Lama's book "How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life" to illustrate because he says it better than I ever could. And I apologize for the length of this post. There's just a lot to say! :buck:
He writes that his experiences with the Chinese Communists form the time he was fifteen years old taught him,
"that the perspectives of compassion, calm, and insight are essential to daily life and must be cultivated in daily practice. Trouble is bound to come, so cultivating the right attitude is crucial. Anger diminishes our power to distinguish right from wrong, and this ability is one of the highest human attributes. If it is lost, we are lost. Sometimes it is necessary to respond strongly, but this can be done without anger. Anger is not necessary. It has no value. (p.14)
Remember, you can overcome any problem. Be calm, even when the external environment is confused or complicated; it will have little effect if your mind is at peace. On the other hand, if your mind gives way to anger, then even when the world is peaceful and comfortable, peace of mind will elude you." (p.39-40)
He goes on to give practical advice on how to train your mind to develop the attitude that will uproot anger before it has a chance to arise. He gives six points as a Summary for Daily Practice at the end of this chapter and number 6 is the practice that deals specifically with anger. He writes:
"6. Regularly evaluate the possible negative and positive effects of feelings such as lust, anger, jealousy and hatred.
-When it becomes obvious that their effects are very harmful, continue your analysis. Gradually your conviction will strengthen. Repeated reflection on the disadvantages of anger, for example, will cause you to realize that anger is senseless.
-This decision will cause your anger to diminish gradually." (p.42)
This point is clarified further in "An Open Heart": Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life".
"I profoundly believe that real spiritual change comes about not by merely praying or wishing that all negative aspects of our mind disappear and all positive aspects blossom. It is only by our concerted effort, an effort based on an understanding of how the mind and it's various emotional and psychological states interact, that we bring about true spiritual progress. If we wish to lessen the power of negative emotions, we must search for the causes that give rise to them. We must work at removing or uprooting those causes. At the same time, we must enhance the mental forces that counter them: what we might call their antidotes. This is how a meditator must gradually bring about the mental transformation he or she seeks.
How do we undertake this? First we identify our particular virtue's opposing factors. The opposing factor to humility would be pride or vanity. The opposing factor of generosity would be stinginess. After identifying these factors, we must endeavor to weaken and undermine them. While we are focused on these opposing factors, we must also be fanning the flames of the virtuous quality we hope to internalize. When we feel most stingy, we must make an extra effort to be generous. When we feel impatient or judgmental, we must do our utmost to be patient.
When we recognize how our thoughts have particular effects upon our psychological states, we can prepare ourselves for them....When we see our mind drifting toward angry thoughts of someone we dislike, we must catch ourselves; we must change our mind by changing the subject. It is difficult to hold back from anger when provoked unless we have trained our mind to first recollect the unpleasant effects such thoughts will cause us. It is therefore essential that we begin our training in patience calmly, not while experiencing anger. We must recall in detail how, when angry, we lose our peace of mind, how we are unable to concentrate on our work, and how unpleasant we become to those around us. It is by thinking long and hard in this manner that we eventually become able to refrain from anger." (Pgs. 60, 61 and 62)
Life is a bunch of opportunities to practice the antidotes to the emotions that afflict us. I use gratitude as an antidote to my anger at my computer. LOL! When I get angry that my computer is not doing what I want to do it, I remember how fortunate I am to even have a computer and I realize my anger is that of a spoiled brat and I start laughing at myself. Gradually my anger at it is diminishing as I also keep in mind all the negative things that arise when I do get angry. Also, just sitting down at the computer has become an opportunity for me to practice patience and gratitude so my attitude has become more positive.
You spoke of specific things like "jealousy, judging etc.." and putting yourself on a bit of a pedestal. These are all excellent opportunities to practice. Humility, for example, is a powerful antidote to being judgmental and proud. The point is to closely examine the negative effects of these qualities and the positive effects of their antidotes and then replace the negative ones with the positive ones with great effort. It's a twofold proactive approach that requires constant mindfulness, which is one of the cornerstones of Buddhist practice. In other words, everything you perceive to be negative is actually an opportunity to practice and develop. So, in effect, it's all good. LOL!
Sorry this is so long.
I hope this hasn't bored you to tears and I just wanted to welcome you again. It's so nice to have new people come aboard and I hope this site will be as helpful to you as it has been to me. There are some very wise people here with extremely well developed compassion and I consider them to be close friends. We are a sangha and we're always happy to have a new member.
Wishing you and your partner much metta,
Brigid
brigid, that was very informative and I think helped me put some things into perspective, especially the part about replacing the negative feeling with a positive one. like anger and gratitude or humility and pride.
Just in the last couple of days, even though I still get angry as often as I normally do, I have been able to not manifest it externally and instead reflect upon the feelining. Up until this point I was really trying to practice at not making an external scene (even if I am the only one present).
I think I have also realized that I get angry more often then I ever imagined, don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing furniture against the wall every ten minutes, but I do get agigtated quite often and then work myself up.
I also must thank you for welcoming me again to your sangha.
The kindness that everyone exhibits here, in turn motivates me to go out and exhibit it to other people.
thank you again!
sean
"Something I've learned along the way is that you choose to be angry and so, with practice you can catch yourself before you loose your rag and think about why you're angry.
One example was I'd often get stressed out when driving if someone slower than me was holding me up. I now try and catch myself and I just think:
"This person in front of me is going at a pace that they feel comfortable with. We all want to get to our destination in time and maybe if I left earlier I wouldn't be in such a rush. It is my own fault if I'm late, not this person driving in front of me." This then stops the angry feelings and I find that this can be used in many situations. I guess it's just down to being mindfull of your own emotions and analysing them, although this is far easier said than done!"
The whole thread can be found here :
Sabine's angry thread
Take care,
Adrian
Don't be so inconsiderate and loudly drag the furniture around the room. Likewise don't go rudely yanking doors. Find your pleasure in your difference. -Bodhicharyavatara 5.72
You'll have to excuse me... This one made me giggle... I remember reading a book on words of wisdom from comic strips... and Lucy (From 'Peanuts') had a wise word on this, in much the same vein: (picture her behind her little psychiatrist's counter, with her finger raised, eyes shut....)
"If someone is mad at you and is really shouting and yelling and getting really wild and stuff, try to keep your cool. Don't yell back and just stay calm. Smile at them, and just be nice. This will help you get through the situation, and furthermore will make them madder than anything else you could possibly say. "