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Compassion when someone takes advantage
Hello again,
My significant other and I were pondering buddhism last night and we got on the subject of compassion towards others.
My girlfriend, up to this point in her life has been taken advantage of ALOT and as a result has a hard time fully trusting people and has the habit of closing herself off to avoid being hurt.
She inquired with me about this and how buddha would deal with this and I didn't really have an answer for her.
I guess my question is, how would the buddha handle a situation like this. As a result of feeling compassion for people, it is a fact that people will take advantage of this and walk all over your feelings.
What is the best way to approach people like this and not be hurt be their thoughts/outlashes inflicted upon us?
She is open about practicing buddhism with me, but I think this is one of her greatest obstacles as she is in constant fear of letting people into her feelings and getting hurt as a result.
My significant other and I were pondering buddhism last night and we got on the subject of compassion towards others.
My girlfriend, up to this point in her life has been taken advantage of ALOT and as a result has a hard time fully trusting people and has the habit of closing herself off to avoid being hurt.
She inquired with me about this and how buddha would deal with this and I didn't really have an answer for her.
I guess my question is, how would the buddha handle a situation like this. As a result of feeling compassion for people, it is a fact that people will take advantage of this and walk all over your feelings.
What is the best way to approach people like this and not be hurt be their thoughts/outlashes inflicted upon us?
She is open about practicing buddhism with me, but I think this is one of her greatest obstacles as she is in constant fear of letting people into her feelings and getting hurt as a result.
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Comments
Buddha has teachings that our actions bear fruit. Good actions will bear good fruit and evil/bad actions will bear the fruit of suffering.
I don't think that anyone likes to be taken advantage of. But, one thing you might think of is: why are you doing what it is you're doing? For some reward? For someone to recognize what you've done and be thankful for it?
While we would all like to see something like this happen - it won't happen all the time. We are interacting with people who have their own views, wants and desires that don't necessarily mingle with what "we" are doing at the moment - either for them or for others.
There are lots of discussions here about feelings and hurt that we feel. As Buddha teaches - there is suffering in life. There is no getting around it. Even if your girlfriend closed herself off from others and guarded her feelings - there will still be suffering. She can't escape this life and who she is.
I think viewing the suffering that we feel, embracing it, looking at it, recognizing and accepting that we feel hurt is the best way to confront it. If you keep running away from suffering - you're not dealing with it and it will continue to follow you.
If you confront and acknowledge these things that hurt you - I believe you are on your way to getting past them. Not that it's an easy road - because the hurt and suffering is still real. But, from my experience, I find that when I confront it and recognize it it's much easier to let go. Especially when I compare this little piece of suffering against all the other good and beauty that I have in my life.
-bf
that helps alot and gives me an very good idea of how to address it.
thank you again!
sean
You may want to wait for some input from someone that actually knows what they're talking about
-bf
Well, don't do yourself down, BF... I think the above paragraph is extremely insightful and bang on.
Doing good for, and to, others - pracising Compassion - doesn't mean you have to turn into a doormat. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to guard yourself against being twice bitten, but on the other hand, the motivation to exercise Compassion should be simply that. With no hidden agenda.
now, this is by no means easy, because we're all subject to the influence of our Ego's... We all need a little appreciation, and rightly so. But practising random acts of kindness (a vogue phrase some time ago) should hold a reward in merely seeing the look of delight, surprise or gratitude, on the other person's face.
But ultimately, we have to remember that those who simply take adavntage are hopefully, in the minority. The grateful ones are usually more plentiful.
Why then, do we insist on focussing on the 'negatives'? Because they hurt. And indignance and righteous resentment against those who 'misuse and abuse' our good will, gives us a sense of justification.....
But in clinging to the memory (at nobody's behest or insistence but our own) we perpetuate a feeling of resentment and reluctance in ourselves that we actually feel guilty about!
Drop the Ego. Drop the life-long habit and desire to self promote (we all do it - it's an instinct we acquire at a very early age!!) and simply BE.
It's important to let others know what we stand for. It is equally important that they know what we WON'T stand for.
Great, great post, BF.
A very good question, dkode. Let me try to "decode" an answer.
Try to see the person for what they really are - a being who is suffering like everyone else. Their selfish impulses stem from the same ignorance and attachement that we all share. If you can feel empathy and compassion, then resentment will fade in time.
I recommend reading the Dhammapda. One of the first verses concerns our attitude to people who have wronged us.
In fact, I think we talked about that here: http://www.newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1381
-bf
It is now!! I love it!! :rockon:
These are all wise posts. I firmly agree with all of them and I really like what Fede said: As Dr. Phil always says, we teach people how to treat us.
The Buddhist path is one of empathy and compassion but it is equally a path of wisdom. Wisdom must be present in everything we do. It is wise to feel and act with compassion and it's just as wise not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
The Buddha said never to sacrifice your own well being for that of another. When I first heard that I was surprised. Then after it sunk in I was astonished. Our compassion and will to do good must be tempered by wisdom or it is no longer skillful. Without wisdom the road to hell becomes paved with good intentions.
It's all in our hands. Everything. Even how people treat us and how we react to that treatment. Your partner has all the power and courage she needs. As Fede said, if she will just let herself BE, she will see it. She will become empowered and fearless again.
Warmest regards to both of you,
Brigid
This is one that I've wrestled with over the years. Ajahn Brahm has some good advice on this topic that has helped my understanding a lot. I would like to share what I've gleaned from his teachings. Basically, it's helpful to remember that compassion for everyone must include ourselves. We are part of the equation. The answer lies in finding what is good for you and good for me. The needs of both you and I must be present, or the solution will be short lived at best. Also, there are times when a relationship is just too harmful or abusive. When this is the case I find an old saying quite helpful; it goes something like, "You can love the tiger, but from a distance." For me, this means that distance doesn't require hatred. And, love doesn't mean you have to stay in an abusive relationship.
Anyway, I always find these practical topics helpful, I'm glad dkode brought it up.
m.
Great post! Loved the tiger analogy. I'm going to use that one for sure.
And I agree that these practical topics are great. They're what I'm most interested in.
So thanks from me, too, dkode!
Brigid
I have realized (for myself and my girlfriend) that these are basic concepts that not everyone addresses in everyday life. Once I sat and reflected on these feelings for a day or two I realized how long it has actually been since I have reflected on my feelings/thoughts like this.
It is amazing to me how ingrained society/life has become. We're so used to coming across so many negative people and instead of trying to work with them/empathize, we develop a hard skin and give canned responses to occurences that happen again and again in everyday life.
We don't really question our actions because they are "tried and true", and we are comfortable in our mode of thinking and reacting. This would be especially true for my girlfriend.
After discussing this with her last night, she stated that just after talking about this with me, she realized more so than ever that she is alot more closed off then she originally thought.
It fascinates me how much we can learn from reflection, and how long it has been since I have performed it.
Thank you again, I really feel I will learn so much from websites like this, it really helps alot!
my real name is Sean btw, in case someone doesnt want to call me "dkode"
the speaker told us that in business we should have no intention to harm others,but we also must be alert,cause the people out there are not as naive or honest or compassion as we are.in this case alertness is part of wisdom.
That seminar sounds very interesting. I wish we had more of that kind of thing in this part of the world.
Brigid