Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Sign In Register
Examples: Monday, today, last week, Mar 26, 3/26/04
Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.

Has Anyone Adopted?

KnightofBuddhaKnightofBuddha
edited February 2012 in General Banter
My fiancee and I will be married legally in a few weeks. And in May, we'll have our official wedding with family and festivities. We want to have three kids. It matters very little to me whether they are biologically my children or not. In fact, we have both discussed and agreed that we want to adopt a child within the next few years.

We want a closed adoption of preferably a toddler that way we won't have to concern ourselves with interference from the biological parents down the road. I've read that America tends to have more open adoptions, though I haven't done the research yet. If that's the case, we will look overseas to the Asia or Africa. The ethnicity or culture is irrelevant.

Has anyone else adopted children? What were your experiences like?

Comments

  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    Knight, I've read that adopted children whose ethnicity is different from the parents often experience identity issues in their teens. That might be something you should look into before you decide. You're right to do research on all sides of the question, and it sounds like you're giving yourself plenty of time.

    I think adoption is a noble course.
  • KnightofBuddhaKnightofBuddha
    Well I don't by that business about "identity issues." To borrow one from Stephen Colbert, I don't see race. I have a number of blood relatives and friends with different etnicities than their parents.

    It's a given we'll adopt. If for whatever reason we can't have kids of our own, we'll adopt three children.
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited February 2012
    That's what I always felt, too, and that's what many people felt about their interracial adoptions in earlier decades. But some research has come out more recently that things aren't as simple as they seem. Even kids with parents who made an effort to hook the kids up with mentors and role models of their own race, and involve them in community activities of the kids' ethnic group have had issues come up for them. I don't know that it's a hard-and-fast rule, just saying it would be worth looking into. This was eye-opening for me.
  • KnightofBuddhaKnightofBuddha
    If for instance we were to adopt a Chinese baby, we would not go out of our way to involve them in communal activities with other Chinese children. Or pick specific role models who were Asian. The most exposure he'd get to Chinese culture would be the same as mine...frequently going to my favorite Chinese restaurant.

    Artificially and simultaneously trying to raise a child in the culture you know and cherish and an entirely different culture that is alien to you...would seem to cause problems in the kid's identity. But other than that, I think the notion is bogus. I'd be interested to read the study if you know of a link to it though.

    Thanks.
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    edited February 2012
    I want to agree with kob on this one. Even if the child was biologically yours, you are going to naturally expose them to various cultures, languages, and religions.

    Why does it matter where the child comes from? Why does identity even matter. I'm sorry dakini...but children, while they may look like their parent's biological, are still individual beings (souls) inside flesh and bones.

    I plan to adopt before age 40 I only suggest you do your own individual research and meet with your city chapter adoption center. They usually have seminars that you can attend to find out if it's meant for you. Kudos for considering this and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

    Maybe @vinlyn would be more helpful as he was both a principal and adopted father, if my memory serves me right.

    Also, Latin American countries have an easier policy with close adoptions, as fa as I know.

    Good luck.
  • DenkatsuDenkatsu Veteran
    Hmm when i look around i say break all the walls down with whatever force necessary.
  • SileSile Veteran
    My sis and I were talking about adoption recently; she said she had a secret fear that maybe she wouldn't be able to love a child as deeply who wasn't her own child by blood. We realized in the course of our conversation that we deeply loved both of our partners even though they weren't related to us by blood, and suddenly the whole blood thing seemed almost ridiculous.
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    @sile that is actually a common fear, that's why adoption agencies have you attend classes and seminars before you touch the application. :)
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    The hoops and loops you have to go through....
    incidentally, Adoption regulations are beginning to change in the UK. Up to now, ethnicity was a major factor, with adoption agencies encouraging the placement of children under a 'like with like' policy.
    but this marked a drastic fall in adoptions.
    It may be an indication that adoption is a cultural factor, because it's extremely common for white people to be willing and eager to adopt children from different ethnic backgrounds, but it seems that the incident of black/oriental people adopting white children in completely unheard of.....
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    I have a friend who was born in Korea, adopted by American parents. She never seemed to have an issue with it, at least, not a huge one. I'm sure she's had thoughts/questions about it (who wouldn't?), but overall, she seems to be a very well adjusted individual who is extremely thankful to have the family that she did.

    My partner and I plan to adopt someday. Maybe. I think I'm waiting to feel like an adult or something...? Not sure when that's going to happen...

    But having said all of that, I feel very strongly about adoption because I feel like there's so many good kids out there who need good homes. It almost feels selfish to me to try and have my own instead, especially since pregnancy won't just 'happen' to me. Also, pregnancy is gross. I especially feel this way after watching my sister go through it... ugh.
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    My dad was adopted as was the 2 other siblings he has now, but the family lacks something that is for sure. That is not to say adoption canot work, that is the only situation of adoption I know of first hand.
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    @zombiegirl I a relieved to hear someone else say that pregnancy is gross. Thank you!
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    It's not gross.

    Be specific.

    As a mum, I find these conclusions offensive....
  • KnightofBuddhaKnightofBuddha
    The hoops and loops you have to go through....
    incidentally, Adoption regulations are beginning to change in the UK. Up to now, ethnicity was a major factor, with adoption agencies encouraging the placement of children under a 'like with like' policy.
    but this marked a drastic fall in adoptions.
    It may be an indication that adoption is a cultural factor, because it's extremely common for white people to be willing and eager to adopt children from different ethnic backgrounds, but it seems that the incident of black/oriental people adopting white children in completely unheard of.....
    That's a shame that ethnicity was a factor for so long. I hope it's changing there. Obviously we're going to begin looking locally and in the States, Don't think we want a child more than 3 or 4 years old, but maybe.
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    @federica didn't mean to offend

    It's a matter of perspective
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    ....so make sure it comes across that way.
    A lot of people here are parents and cherish the whole process.
    to quantify something which in essence, is precisely how and why we're all here as gross, is tactless, to say the least.
    And some people, in spite of being desperate to conceive, who'd give their right arm to have a child but for any number of reasons, cannot, may read this thread....

    I appreciate it wasn't your intention to offend, but consider Right speech, Right View and Right Action... and that Intention is a major factor on the 8FP.

    Thank you...... :)
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    @federica Of course I did not mean to offend anyone, I just find the whole birthing thing extremely gross. Do I need to explain why? Would it be wrong to say that I also find surgery gross even though it is lifesaving? The sight of blood makes me literally vomit. I just don't think I could do it. *shakes head* I blame my sister, if I hadn't known what I know now... perhaps I might feel differently.

    Margaret Cho really sums up my feelings the best.
    Somehow, I feel like you probably won't laugh at this, but on the off chance that you want to give it a try... I hope you at least giggle. @Lady_Alison might get a kick out of it.
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    My dad was adopted as was the 2 other siblings he has now, but the family lacks something that is for sure. That is not to say adoption canot work, that is the only situation of adoption I know of first hand.
    Families are funny things; blood ties or no blood ties; some just don't get on. So maybe adoption had nothing whatsover to do with the situation your Dad's family ended up in?

  • KnightofBuddhaKnightofBuddha
    My dad was adopted as was the 2 other siblings he has now, but the family lacks something that is for sure. That is not to say adoption canot work, that is the only situation of adoption I know of first hand.
    Families are funny things; blood ties or no blood ties; some just don't get on. So maybe adoption had nothing whatsover to do with the situation your Dad's family ended up in?

    That's where I tend to lean. There are terrible blood family relationships and great adoptive relationships. It all depends on the individuals involved and the amount of love, not blood.

  • Laura1Laura1 New
    Just FYI - an open adoption does not mean 'interference' from the biological parent(s) - any contact is decided upon very specifically and agreed upon in advance. Some have no contact, just, for example, information about how the child is doing. A reputable agency with the interests of all parties at heart should be able to give you more information about this. Many people with greater knowledge on the subject than I (i.e. have done research) feel adoptions with at least some degree of openness are the way to go, these days.

    Anyway, congratulations on your wedding and I think it's great that you're considering adoption.
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited February 2012
    @zombiegirl & @Lady_Alison OK, we won't call giving birth "gross". We'll just say it can be very challenging, a challenge some of us aren't up to. I've known women who really enjoy the whole 9 months. They get a real charge from the hormones, a kind of high. They're the lucky ones, I guess.

    I think adoption makes a lot of sense, especially in an overpopulated world. Hopefully those considering adoption will remember the older children, who are harder to place, but still need loving parents.
  • KnightofBuddhaKnightofBuddha


    I think adoption makes a lot of sense, especially in an overpopulated world. Hopefully those considering adoption will remember the older children, who are harder to place, but still need loving parents.
    I would love to do that as well, though when I am older and of better means.



  • AMHAMH
    Oh dear, don't get me started on childbirth. I loved it. I pretty much loved the whole pregnancy thing. I even had my 3rd baby at home, wonderful. I had an easy time of it overall. So other women really don't want to hear mystory.

    I have known women who have given up babies and good friends who were adopted. I think it is a beautiful thing to help create a family and to become a family. As i get older I realize how precious a good family is. I talk to my aunt about every week, my mom every other day, my sister, too. These are my best girlfriends.
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    Yes, as I said I am sure it has to do with the individuals and not the adoption process. Anyway, I hope your plan becomes a reality KnightofBuddha, good luck to you with that :thumbsup:
Sign In or Register to comment.