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Dealing with paranoia, the past and others' judgement.
pyramidsong
Veteran
So. There is a complex situation in my family at the moment which is making me feel very vulnerable and paranoid. Basically, in the past I was very mentally unstable (which resulted in self-harm, binge drinking and saying/doing damaging things). Most of this has not been relevant for three years now, as I have been consistently working on myself and my dysfunctional behaviours. I'm certainly not cured but I have made improvements in leaps and bounds. I'm in therapy, I'm vegan, I don't touch alcohol or drugs, I don't use people, I try to live a life of integrity and least harm. Unfortunately people have long memories, and although everyone has seen how I've improved my life and have heard me say a million times how horrified and sorry I am about my past, I'm still being talked about and judged. A couple of people in particular have very sensitive and damaging information and these are the people currently judging me the most harshly. I am so frightened that this information will come out, which will cause a great deal of harm. I can focus on little else. I know I have no control over the actions of others. Is there a way Buddhism can help me deal with these hideous and crippling feelings?
1
Comments
I can't give you any Buddhist advice, but I have faced a number of what could have been life-changing situations in my life, and here are two things I found out.
1. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
2. Whatever the worst case scenario is probably won't happen. Whatever the best case scenario is probably won't happen either. It's usually somewhere in between the two extremes.
I don't remember the old saying, although I've heard people say it's at least very compatible with Buddhism. If you can do something about the situation, do it. If you can't, try to relax about it.
In the short term, these people with their comment will hang around as long as you are arounf them or in their area living. The thing is with reputations is they stick for a very veyr long time, I myself with my old friends am still considered the reckless drug abuser, even though I have stopped and many of the people of think these things take drugs themselves. You should not feel that you need to prove yourself to anybody, it is your path and your life. The comments these people make without knowing it will cause them suffering in same shape of form, they are operating in a state of ignorance. For you to wish them suffering is wrong however, it may sound hard but to wish for them to be free from suffering and have compassion will benefit your greatly. Try metta meditation, I think that can really help here.
Also, with regards to memories of the past, yes it is simple to say the past is the past but if you hold on to such memories with any degree of emotion, they will continue to hurt you as if they are happening right now. I revert back to the saying I love so much, afflictive emotions or thinking is like a hot coal, the longer you hold on to it the longer it will continue to burn.
To end this may sound a little strange as it is a notion I have come up with that helped me with certain aspects of life. When I think of people around me, in my life, whoever they may be, I do not imagine them as people as such. I view each individual as a consciousness trying everything it can to avoid suffering inside a human form. You can also think of yourself in this way. This idea may not help you in this situation, but it did help me. Good luck, Tom