How to deal with aggressors/antagonists

pyramidsong

I have someone in my life right now who is going behind my back and saying I'm crazy, I'm manipulative, I'm morally bankrupt etc.

I'm currently taking the "high road". I.e. not engaging, not disputing, not trying to deny what she's saying and not contacting her at all.

But I have to admit it's taking it's toll on me psychologically. I'm not handling it very well. Any advice/insight/wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Telly03

Wow, what did you do to piss her off?

I used to worry way too much about what people thought... looking back though, what they thought has no impact to where I am now... so I keep that in mind that what people think now will have no impact later.

pyramidsong

It's a friendship gone sour. She has made assumptions about my motives for certain things and come to the wrong conclusion. She's also been going through some personal turmoil (I have compassion for that) and is looking for an outlet for those big, ugly feelings. I'm the outlet, it would seem.

pyramidsong

I don't care what she thinks of me. I have lost all respect for her and am happy to focus on my supportive, healthy friendships. But she has sensitive information about me and is in contact with other people in my world. That is why it's taking its toll on me psychologically. I can't bank on her not being vindictive.

federica

The shift in your perception oif her must also be to primarily have wise compassion for yourself.
you have to take measures to enable damage limitation.
say nothing bad about her.
if someone mentions her attitude, simply reply, "i think emotionally she's not in a good place right now".
if someone says "hey *she* told me [insert sensitive information about you here] are you for real/is it true/what's your game?"
Then reply,
"Thanks for coming to me with that. This is actually the fact:....."
Follow with,
"You don't have to believe me, that's your prerogative, but I can prove it."
If you can't prove it, just say that you can't prove it but they'll just have to take your word for it and the truth will out one day, as the truth must. And that you don't wish to denigrate her, because she's having a tough time, and you'll leave it at that.....

Always protect yourself, but with dignity.

pyramidsong

Thank you, federica. That's what I'm aiming for. I've also filled in my close, trusted people about what's going on. Partly as catharsis but partly so I'm not hiding the truth from them.

In terms of bad-mouthing her, I've had a vent about the situation, yes (mostly not to anyone who knows her). I'm trying to stop doing that, drop the hurt and anger and move on. But really I'm not interested in point-scoring, arguing, or anything like that. I just want her to leave me alone.

poptart

One thing I've learned is those who are quick to believe the worst of you, like malicious gossip, are not really your friends at all. Your real friends will see the situation for what it is, so you have nothing to fear.

AMH

federica has soem good advice, I would only add that laughter really helps. Not mean laughter at her but easy laughter when you hear stories filtering back to you. I have taught kids to do that when they hear gossip about a friend. Sometimes arguing for your friend increases it, but a light 'oh I know that isn't true, what a funny story' often breaks the tension.

ThailandTom

Just don't go adding fuel to the fire, like a bully she probably wants a reaction. Of course we do not know what she is saying and that is your business, but what others think of you should not cause you harm, that it is kind of hypocritical coming from me however.

There is something from the suttras that I will never forget which may be appropriate here. It is about the buddha being in a certain town and I forget now why but a man from this town was angry with the buddha. So the Buddha asked the man if he ever had friends who came over to his home. The man replied that he did have them come over from time to time. He then asked if he ever offered them food, and again the man said yes, he did offer them food when they came to visit. The buddha went on to say, "well what do you do with the food if they do not wish to eat it?" The man said that he kept it becuse it was his food. The Buddha finally said, "the same applies here, you can keep your insults that you are offering me, I do not wish to have them, they are all yours to keep."

pyramidsong

That does help, Thailand Tom, thank you. Thanks for all the responses so far. I appreciate it.

Dakini

I think Fede's right, some damage control would be prudent. Sometimes people advise to just ignore this sort of thing, but if, as you say, she knows people in your world, especially if she knows influential people, ignoring it could only allow the situation to spin out of control. Damage control as early as possible is best. These types of situations can be so difficult to navigate, and sometimes well-meaning friends don't give sound advice. We're lucky to have a professional like Fede to address this.

Raven

Haters gonna hate.

It sucks, but it's true. I'm sure most people have been on the receiving end of that kind of garbage - somehow though, it doesn't stop the garbage from going around and around!

Having to always be the bigger person is tough, and the best response probably depends on what type of person you are (confrontational? non-confrontational?) and what type of relationship you have with this other person.

Surround yourself with those you know to be true friends. Those who gossip with you will gossip about you ... it's probably only a matter of time before this person finds a new victim.

I'm sorry you have to go through this though; it's emotionally exhausting and it seems difficult (impossible?) to come away unscathed. However, the scars we bear can be testament to our strengths, and what we have endured. In everything, there is a lesson; sometimes the lesson is painful.

Stay strong, and remember to show yourself some compassion too. If the opportunity arises, correct the gossip; don't give in to the temptation to retaliate.