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Grief work

weightedweighted Veteran
edited February 2012 in Buddhism Basics
Is the sole means of working through grief mindfulness and metta practice/meditation?

Is there something I'm overlooking, perhaps a sutta that might help me at this point?

Any suggestions, links, or ideas are most welcomed from the wise folks here at NB.

Comments

  • ihepfihepf
    edited February 2012
    Not a buddhist view but from my own experience.

    Feeling the grief without resisting to it is to only way i know of. But thats easier said than done.

    Edit:

    My "technique" to do it: Sitting a comfortable chair in an environment where you feel safe and you can be sure to be undisturbed. Straight spine, angle between spine and horizontal not to low. Then breath into the feeling and try to feel it bit by bit. Takes time.
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited February 2012
    In my opinion, you should not work through it right now.
    you should be with it, and feel it.
    Maybe to the fullest extent you can.
    Because - in my opinion - any attempt to 'work through' it - will merely result in suppression, not resolution.
    we are human.
    We have emotions, and sometimes they're so raw they feel like a cheese-grater on our face.
    honour them.
    Acknowledge them.
    Accept them.
    but make sure that what ever emotions you're experiencing, are about how you're feeling right now - not about how you felt about something before - and even, how you felt about it, before that.
  • ihepfihepf
    @federica:

    until now i thought that what you describe is grief work.
  • weightedweighted Veteran
    I should have clarified: I mean setting the stage for when I feel ready and when I have allowed the grief to fully appear, be addressed, and be observed.

    I'm curious what happens after the "leaning in" period, to use Chodron's words.

    I don't think I will be leaning in to grief forever! (I hope not.) So I'd like to sort of prepare for what comes after this stage is over, whenever that is.
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited February 2012
    @ihepf,I would say it is.
    when someone is in such depths of grief, sadness, regret, possible anger and resentment, I actually believe that Mindfulness and Metta meditation may make things worse, not better.
    such practice requires focus, and a heart in pain, and a mind in turmoil, can find it an almost insurmountable challenge to focus in that way....

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    @weighted, I think the simplest thing is for it to tell you when you are ready....
    that is, when the moment comes, you will recognise it - and know what to do.

    :)
  • weightedweighted Veteran
    @weighted, I think the simplest thing is for it to tell you when you are ready....
    that is, when the moment comes, you will recognise it - and know what to do.

    :)
    I hope that is the case!
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    There will come a moment when you feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
    Being aware of that - alone - can work wonders.....
  • ihepfihepf

    I hope that is the case!
    it _will_ get better! but before that it gets worse. like federica said you will come to a point where you just dont want to feel like you feel and you may think everything is over. then just try to feel it some more. it comes in waves. just remind yourself when it peaks that it will fade again.

  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    I agree with federica...let it rip! Go through the regular emotions and don't suppression or try to work through them give your grief plenty of room...cry, scream, beat a pillow, run in the rain, eat ice cream, don't eat, don't get out of bed, go for a run while crying, listen to crappy sad music, look at old photos, cry some more, sing, dance, reflect all night long, sleep til noon, tell everyone to fuck off, ask people for help and support....feed the birds, cry some more.

    Eventually the process will play itself out. Then something inside will tell you it's time for real acceptance and finally you'll be able to sit with it...at this point, possibly a few months from now, grief will come in waves...little ones.

    Just go easy on yourself...do your yoga and meditation but nothing fancy...you'll know when it's time.
  • weightedweighted Veteran
    @ihepf Yes, the book I'm reading now is on grief work, and it's a bit scary to read that it comes in such waves - that as soon as you move on to the last phase, you often are back in the second/middle phase all over again. It's reassuring to know that these setbacks aren't as long as time passes, but it's still unnerving a bit.

    The book suggests that journaling, mantras, and meditation, combined with gratitude exercises and self-care, mix both the grief work and the palliative care necessary to come through grief stronger and more resilient.

    @Lady_Alison You know me so well! Yoga has been the one thing keeping me going, actually. For three months I made meditation a daily practice and felt that much better for it; in the last week, I haven't sat at all. I need to remedy this soon and get back to the old, semi-stable me.
  • ZeroZero Veteran

    I don't think I will be leaning in to grief forever! (I hope not.)

    So I'd like to sort of prepare for what comes after this stage is over, whenever that is.
    Your first sentence doesnt state 'I hope this is not forever' - that to me would be more of an emotional statement - it would also lend itself to you not being at a stage of envisaging a resolution (and still working through emotions)

    Instead you state 'I dont think... (I hope not)' - that to me suggets that you are intellectualising more which is a step beyond emotional response which is wonderful for your recovery - also the 'hope' comes at the end in brackets which again makes me consider that perhaps you have worked out where the scope of the emotion is and are moving it to the end, almost as an afterthought (to be dropped / reconciled perhaps).

    Your second sentence is interesting - 'sort of prepare for what comes after / whenever that it' - you know what comes after - how can you prepare for it now? or even 'sort of' prepare (by definition you are either prepared or not)?

    when it comes, it will be here and you will have to deal with it (prepared or not!) - when it actually comes is up to you - this part suggests to me that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel apprehensive about finishing the course of treatment that will cure you - its natural to feel apprehensive about change, even when you suspect that it is 'good' change... try to give yourself a break now and again - changing yourself and dealing with challenging issues takes skill and you should try to commend yourself and love yourself everytime you feel apprehensive about the process - youre a good person and you're doing fantastically well...
  • weightedweighted Veteran
    @Zero Thanks so much for your words. They mean a lot. Really.
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    You know exactly why you didn't sit this week. Its okay, don't beat yourself up.

    Even though the grief will come in waves, realize that you are moving forward...even when you feel like you have taken a few steps back, while you move four steps forward. If you need someone to rant too you can pm me.

    You sound good...compare to your first post. . . I imagine you becoming a better and different person in a few months.

    Guarantee it!
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    When I was grieving I would feel the first onset of the grief wave...I would gently seperate the thoughts from the emotion as to not fuel it anymore...like a wave on a graph it has a momentum....a peak and a curved fall to the bottom.

    I would ride it, then it would leave me and it was better until the next wave....does this make sense?
  • weightedweighted Veteran
    I would ride it, then it would leave me and it was better until the next wave....does this make sense?
    Do you think it made the next wave, when it came, less intense because you'd made "friends" with the grief instead of suppressing it or ignoring it?
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    No...accepting it in a friendly open way, giving it room almost like a mother consoling a child in pain only eased whatever I was feeling in the moment...it also prepared me for the next wave but it did not lessen the pain...you don't want to lessen it, allow it to be whatever or however intense it needs to be. You can channel the grief straight to rage and beat a pillow until you are exhausted...once you have reached anger the next step is naturally acceptance...but find a safe outlet.

    Please watch out for pity parties, though. So seperate the thoughts from the feeling.

    Here is a site about that.
    http://viewonbuddhism.org/depression.html

    Don't be an emotional masterbator...grief is energy enough without needing to fuel it.

    I wonder if I just made any sense? @zero?
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    Don't be afraid to feel the depth of your pain...real power there...if you touch insanity, don't be afraid. Its just a limit or boundary and you are not really mad. Sometimes you need to break to gain perspective.
  • weightedweighted Veteran
    I'm definitely not afraid to feel the depths and explore the pain, the suffering, the grief. That is what drew me to Buddhism in the first place. So many people, months back, were telling me to just ignore things or use escapist methods to pretend I wasn't in pain. When I read Pema Chodron's work on not running from suffering or grief or pain, it was a revelation: this is how I think everyone should deal with things. How can we learn and grow if we're running away from our emotions or just subsuming them beneath escapist means that only mask and don't address?
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    It is like a bridge, you have to cross it to get to where you are going along your journey, but only when you are ready. Yes it will be a briedge of suffering but the bridge has an end and the sooner you realize all of this, the sooner you can get up and start to walk along it.

    I got myself so hung up in grief a couple of years ago, for 6 long months I tortured myself mentally until I could not go on doing it anymore, then I simply let go of it. I realized I was clinging to this grief, if you will, I was standing on the bridge admiring the waters of the river pain below. I kept feeding the grief with my thoughts and the bridge became ever longer, it is a learning process and I am thankful that I went through it because when it happens again, I will know how to approach it in a better manner. All the best weighted, with metta :)
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