New with question about lovign your fellow man

nick91171

Hey,
I'm new to this board and I've been casually studiyng Buddhism for a couple of years. I don't really now much yet, but I have picked up that acceptance is very important.

I've learned to be very accepting of a lot of things and to not waste so much of my time and energy focused on things that are beyond my control.

The one thing I am struggling with more then anything is not harboring negative thoughts about those selfish inconsiderate people I encounter daily who simply do not get it. From the person who lets the door slam in your face to the person who cuts you off in traffic to the well-meaning christians in my life who keep trying to convert me.

I try to not dwell on it, and not let it frustrate or anger me, but it does. Some days it's harder then others, but I'd really like to let go of my negative feelings. Rationally I know that each of us has our own journey and that I need to accept that, but that knowledge doesn't seem to be helping a lot.

Is there anyone here who struggles witht this and could share their experiences or make a suggestion?

Jason

nick91171,

I still struggle with this myself, and all I can say is to keep practicing. One day you will understand that it is only your mind that moves towards anger, not that people cause you to become anger. Once you figure that out, you simply incline the mind to stillness. But, don't let the simplicity fool you. This can take many, many years to develop. Patience and a consistent meditation practice are invaluable in this endeavor.

Sincerely,

Jason

Palzang

I agree with Jason, Nick. It's a long process. Obviously it's not our habit to be patient and forgiving, so we have to learn new habits, which takes a while. So be patient with yourself and give yourself a break when you don't perform according to your expectations. It'll come with time.

Palzang

federica

Human attributes and emotions are attachments we refine along the way... We learn and absorb them from others...they may well be inherent Human characteristics, but how they develop and evolve is down to the individual.... For example, if you had been born, raised and ordained into a Buddhist monastery from an early age, and your tutor had been a boddhisattva, it is far more likely that your strong negative emotions would not have found so much to cause them expression...they would not have been so easily triggered... HH The Dalai Lama says it is sometimes more difficult to follow a Buddhist path as a lay person, because ordinarily, the Lay person is far more exposed to the vicariousness of a full social life... the interaction with other beings is constant...So the Lay person is constantly bombarded with stimuli...

But how you react to these stimuli is entirely and completely your choice. Others may act in a specific way. That is their choice. How you view, perceive and respond, is solely and totally yours.
The resulting behaviour you give back will be manifested because you chose to follow through, in that way. I

So all you have to do, is choose your behaviour.

....Simple, really....

The only suggestion I am able to give you is to be constantly Mindful of what you first of all think, then say, then do....
The Eightfold Path is an excellent daily guide and map to the terrain we call Life.
Read it, Absorb it, Learn it, Use it.

nick91171

Thanks so much for all the replies. I do know that my reactions and feelings are mine and therefore ultimately within my control and that's what I need to work on.

It's funny federica mentioned the eightfold path it's hanging from my computer monitor. It helps sometimes to read that.

Does anyone have any suggestions on a mantra or some other method for disapating these feelings more quickly when they do occur? I do know that when I dwell on them too much it makes things worse, so I don't vent about them as much as I used to.

There was a time when things seemed to roll off more. I don't know if I was simply less stressed ot if I was less engaged in the world around me. I know I don't want to disengage from the world to resolve this. I'm just struggling with letting go of my own negativity.

I guess it's a little like whe I was struggling with trust. I'll just have to have some long talks with myself about it it until it gets easier.

federica

nick91171 wrote:

Does anyone have any suggestions on a mantra or some other method for disapating these feelings more quickly when they do occur? I do know that when I dwell on them too much it makes things worse, so I don't vent about them as much as I used to.

I've got a couple I use regularly, but they're unprintable....

More than a mantra, I think something that might help is actually to stop, check yourself, slowly take a deep breath, (not lung-explodingly deep, mind) hold it for a count of three to four seconds, and release it very slowly. As you release, just let go of the 'damaging emotion' or resentment... look at the person in question, and know that they, just like you, are trying to simply find their way.... Just perhaps, not quite as mindfully as you.....

There was a time when things seemed to roll off more. I don't know if I was simply less stressed ot if I was less engaged in the world around me. I know I don't want to disengage from the world to resolve this. I'm just struggling with letting go of my own negativity.

No...You notice them more, because you have become more aware...more tuned in....This does not mean disengaging... quite the opposite... the more refined your senses, your awareness, the more Conscious and skilful you become... don't look upon it as a negative. it is far and away the complete reverse.

nick91171

I have tried the deep breath thing, i've even tried doing it four or five times. It just isn't doing it for me.

I think patience might be the next thing I need to work on.

Talking to myself does help, just reminding myself over and that as you said their just doing the best they personally can too. Part of my frustartion is also in not being able to "make" them see why they are really only hurting themselves by being selfish, close,dminded, inconsdierate, what have you. Of course, I know that the best way to show them is to be patient and to show them a better more peaceful way.

I know I'll get there eventually, in the mean time, I'll just keep breathing and talking to myself. :crazy:

Brigid

Hey, nick.

Compassion and patience are not easy to develop but there are ways to do it. Think of it like wieght training or any other training. My two books of guidance for compassion and patience recently have been two books by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. One is "An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life" and the other is a great little book called "How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life". I won't quote any passages here because I've done so a couple of times already on other threads and people will get tired of seeing them. LOL!

Another thing you can do is do a search on this site for anger, patience etc. and go through the threads that come up. There's a lot of information on here that I know you'll find useful. Just use the "search" button at the top of the page and enter in your key words. I love our little search engine. It's a beauty. And very, very useful for a site like this.

Your question is excellent, by the way, and I just wanted to tell you that just by asking it you've already started a most important part of your journey. You will never be satisfied with your unskillful behavior again now that you're so aware of it and so willing to change it. Always keep in mind that you cannot, ever, ever change the behavior of others. That is not something over which you have any control whatsoever. But you can control your emotional and mental reaction to others and it starts, as you know, by how you view them.

One very useful way to defuse your reaction to stupidity is to view those who irritate you as your teachers, your opportunities to practice patience and compassion. This goes for enemies as well. The Dalai Lama is big on this one. He says that we should thank our enemies for giving us the opportunity to practice (in our heads, I presume) and it's really hard, which means we're not used to thinking that way and we have to build that muscle.

So when we find that we're falling into anger and frustration at the behavior of others, we can pause, think of them as our teacher and opportunity and then practice patience and compassion by reminding ourselves why they deserve our compassion and empathy. We can also remind ourselves what negative things will occur by reacting to them with anger and frustration, for example, stress on our heart! LOL! Get to the place where you can laugh at yourself and your angry response to them. I promise you that if you get to that place and keep bringing yourself back there it'll get easier and easier and become a habit.

Don't punish yourself over this. Treat yourself and your angry, frustrated feelings with respect and lots of compassion. There's nothing "wrong" with these feelings. It's just that there are better ways to react that will make you and others happier and will strengthen your practice, too. This is an area where I'm challenged as well. We're in this thing together.

Be gentle with yourself.

Brigid

not1not2

An excellent meditation which deals directly with this is called metta bhavana. Buddhanet.net has a comprehensive section on this subject:

1) Loving-kindness meditation
2) Cultivation of Loving-kindness
3)The Four Sublime States
4) Brahmavihara Dhamma

A selection from the 2nd link:

Arousing of Metta

The near cause of metta is the lovable person or being. Therefore we have to see the favourable aspect of the person or being.

One way is to think of his or her virtues or good qualities. We can perhaps enumerate them, e.g. he is
1. compassionate – V1
2. understanding – V2
3. etc. – V3

The more we have of these the better. The mere thought of one will inspire metta. We may use this sparingly so that it will last us a long time.

For example, when we think about v1, metta arises. Every time it dies down, we can use v1 to stir it up again. After some time v1 may not be effective (for the time being), then we use v2 to arouse metta. We will then continue to use v2 to arouse metta. When it loses effectiveness we can return to v1 again. One can go on arousing metta with v1 and v2 until both do not seem to work. Then we proceed to v3.

The other way is to see the lovableness of the person and thus to arouse metta is to recall the events one has associated with him or her that would inspire metta. It may be the help given, gifts offered or just kind, gentle words. One would naturally have to avoid recalling unpleasant moments. We can again enumerate the events:

Event 1. gifts given at birthday – E1
2. help in time of stress – E2
3. counselling in career – E3
4. etc. – E4

We may apply the principle on the use of virtues to ensure ease of arousing metta.

When metta arises it has got to be sincere and come from the depth of one's heart. It should be encouraged to flow abundantly and freely without inhibition. There is nothing wrong with giving metta to anyone, only it is to be given in a suitable manner with wisdom and guarded against attachment.

When metta arises one enables and urges it on with the use of 4 aspirations.
1. May he/she be free from enmity/danger
2. May he/she be free from mental suffering
3. May he/she be free from physical suffering
4. May he/she take care of himself/herself happily

The principle is that when we make each aspiration we do so with metta. This would arouse more metta to keep it flowing on. It is also important that we understand the meaning of these aspirations clearly and sincerely mean it. Before the metta from the first one dies down, we make it continue on by using the next. When we have used the 4th aspiration we start again with the first. This can go on indefinitely.

The second point is that when one aspiration, e.g., "May he be free from enmity", is very effective and can produce strong metta which can last a long time, then we can let this flow go on as long as possible, in which case it would continue to deepen.

However, if the aspiration is not very effective, we may skip it or pass through it quickly.

A third point here is that there is a more positive aspect of each aspiration which can be borne in mind. If one intends to emphasise a more positive aspect it can be used with much effectiveness looking into the meaning of each aspiration.

1. MAY HE/SHE BE FREE FROM ENMITY/DANGER.
Enmity may refer to enmity within (e.g. defilement) and without us. A more positive aspect will be "May he have a lot of loving kindness". Therefore we may also use the wish "May he be safe". Enmity may also mean any dangerous and harmful elements within (e.g. defilements, bad kammic results ripening) or without (e.g. catastrophes, accident etc.)

2. MAY HE/SHE BE FREE FROM MENTAL SUFFERING.
Mental suffering refers to mental anguish, sorrow, frustrations, fears, despair, irritation and all types of defilements that are present to no end, as well as the unsatisfactoriness of conditioned existence. "May he/she be peaceful and happy" is a positive wish for this second aspiration.

3. MAY HE/SHE BE FREE FROM PHYSICAL SUFFERING.
Physical suffering will include all forms of physical discomfort, illness, ailments and incompleteness. It is possible that the wish can be put as "May he/she be healthy and strong".

4. MAY HE/SHE TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF/HERSELF HAPPILY.
This means that we wish him (or her) to be able to carry out all the activities in his life or maintenance of life such as waking up, eating, caring for his livelihood, looking after his children, wife, house, while resting, carrying out his spiritual activities and even having peaceful sleep.

The last of those aspirations is by itself positive. The negative variant can be "May he not have any trouble, problems, obstacles in taking care of himself".
I have tried this on myself and others and it does have a different effect psychologically, stronger towards well-wishing than negative phrasing which tends towards compassion and cancellation of suffering. This is therefore one part that is worth consideration. A possible alternative would be to use both, which would increase the aspirations from 4 to 8.

Here we also notice that too many aspirations for the beginner may not be beneficial to concentration. Hence we stick to just 4 aspirations.
Another modification can be considered if a further specification of the wish is required, such as "May he be free from the deadly disease of cancer which is afflicting him", or maybe even a single wish for a son that he may be able to do well in his studies.

These are more specific and therefore not applicable all the time and to everyone. Nevertheless, it is a wholesome wish of metta and, when made with strong and deep concentration, will have its effects.

One goes through this process beginning with oneself and then to other individuals in the following order:
1. extremely intimate (atipiya)
2. lovable (piya)
3. indifferent (majjhata)
4. unpleasant (apiya)
5. inimical/hostile (veri)

We start with ourselves, because it is very easy to generate a wish for our own well-being. Then we extend that wish towards the people we are intimate with, then less intimate. At this point, a lot of metta has been generated and it is easier to extend the wish for well-being to those people. One can consider that their lack of well-being to be a main factor in their disagreeableness. With that understood, wishing them well-being does not conflict with one's own well-being, but rather reenforces it. Then, we extend our loving-kindness to all sentient beings in all realms of existence.

Once this practice takes roots, our entire attitude starts to shift towards others (and ourselves). We begin wishing everyone well and taking joy in their joy. Our interactions take on a whole new character and our mind is no longer afflicted when we come in contact with these people who would previously be considered threatening and invoke enmity. This is a very positive practice and the benefits are very noticeable.

'Compassion and love are not mere luxuries.
As the source both of inner and external peace,
they are fundamental to the continued survival of our species.'
His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

Take care & be well

_/\_
metta

not1not2

Another method is to contemplate the kindness of enemies:

http://www.kagyu.org/buddhism/tra/tra05.html

Therefore, in Buddhist philosophy and teaching, it is said that even your enemies are to be seen as your most helpful friends. You should be most grateful to them because they have given you the best opportunity to practice patience. This is simply the instruction for the highest forms of practice, given in a clear and naked way so you may have a simple, direct relationship to them.

Shakyamuni Buddha attained the perfect state of enlightenment in a very short period of time. Having reached the state of complete enlightenment, his activity--which brought about all-pervasive benefit for beings--was also the practice of patience. Life after life, time after time, with beings such as Devadatta trying to evoke anger, impatience, and all other kinds of neurosis in him--and this was very challenging, even for him--he had the commitment to go beyond such reactions. Thus, it is definitely true that our enemies are in fact our best friends. We should be grateful to them all the time because our "real friends" are not able to create that kind of situation for us.

Therefore patience, compassion, and love are the keys toward our attainment of enlightenment. When these situations are provided by our enemies, or by the beings that we find difficult to work with, we can see these beings as bodhisattva emanations coming to us to give the highest instructions. In a sense, this is the heart of the instruction, because it is definitely going to cause enlightenment. Since we are to work for the benefit and enlightenment of all beings, how better to repay our debt to beings than with gratitude, compassion, and loving-kindness? This is all the more so because of the benefit these beings are causing: they are giving you the opportunity, not only to attain enlightenment, but also to benefit all beings. If you are afflicted by disease and a prominent physician comes, bringing the most modern and effective medical treatments, it would be incredibly foolish to try to get rid of him or to try to kill him. On the contrary, you should extend the warmest of welcomes toward him.

If you train your mind with this understanding, you will find you have reason to be compassionate, and you can become truly gentle and kind. On the other hand, if you just think, "If I am faced with such situations, I will try to practice compassion at that time," it might be very difficult to actually do so. Now that you have seen how sane and important such training is, the healthiest approach is to become familiar with the methods involved and to train yourself with them again and again.

_/\_
metta

MartinofNorwich

Maybe it helps to accept one's anger / negative feelings, rather than feel angry / negative with oneself about them? Just a thought.

Martin.

nick91171

Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions and encouragement. I'm going to try them all and see what works for me.

I can already tell this board is going to be a huge help to me in begining to take what I've learned of Buddhism and turn it into a real practice in my life. And one day I'll return the favor.

nick91171

Martin of Norwich wrote:

Maybe it helps to accept one's anger / negative feelings, rather than feel angry / negative with oneself about them? Just a thought.

I do accept my anger as a part of being human and I try not to beat myself up over it - most of the time I don't. It's just something I know isn't good for me and is really kind of pointless, so as much for my own selfish reasons as for the sake of anyone else I want to be different.

It's part of the reason I don't understand why people behave as they do. Because I do get that the person you hurt the most when you have these feelings is yourself. It's very counter-productive and horrible for your self-esteem to carry around anger, or any other negative emotions.

I guess I'm very fortunate that I was raised by a mother who taught me that I had control of my feelings and had to accept responsibility for them. I suppose people that aren't taught that tend to develop an excess of negative feelings and it just sort of ends up spilling out on others.

Brigid

Oh, yes, I agree with what Martin wrote and your response, Nick. Treat your anger and frustration with compassion. They are afflictive emotions when they are reacted to, but as emotions in general, they're only energy. It's their potential for causing trouble that we are avoiding and redirecting to a more positive potential, that of practice.

So you could view them as having the positive potential of being opportunities for practice just as easily as viewing them as negative emotions. The point is what we do with them and how we do it and the best way to work with energy is to become friends with it first so that our work isn't clouded by guilt, fear or anger at ourselves. Calm, happy energy is an environment in which it's much easier to work. When we remain calm our minds remain clear and any situation in which we find ourselves benefits.

Brigid

wezz_975

I try my hardest to hold back on my anger and gain patience. It's a hard thing to do. every night, while meditating, I reflect on the anger I put out on people that day, and I try to tell myself, "it's pointless, nothing will benefit from this negativity" . I have seen a slight improvement, but nothing major. but with determination I should eliminate all my anger and frustration. it's difficult, trust me, I know how you're feeling nick (espcially with the converting part)

I myself am on that path to gain patience and elimate my anger habits, Best luck be with you on your journey

with love,
Wesley.