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How far does forgivness go???
I recently completed a ten week course on The Eight Verses of the mind. It is extremely challenging.
Of course, as these things always happen, in the second last week of the course, I came accross an extremly challenging personal situation.
The Eight Verses and my buddhism generally has made me keep calm, after all what is really challenging is how we live and how we die. Pema Chodron had a line in one of her books that also ties in "Am I going to practice peace or am I going to war?" A fundamental question about every situation in life.
I suppose I should explain briefly, I discovered my boyfriend of four years (who I work with) has been having an on again/off again sexual relationship with another collegue. I had thought there was something going on a year ago and challenged both of them, but they both lied. The woman involved is married and has three children and works with us part time.
If your greatest enemy is your greatest teacher ... how can I put this into practice in this situation. I can learn about my own reactions, I understand that. I also understand that I have to feel my emotions and "get into them" and this could be a great spiritual practice for me.
My Boyfriend swears (again) that it was a mistake and meaningless and cant explain really why and how this happened. I am now facing a situation that I am really not sure how to deal with and how best to use spirituality to feel this. Do I forgive, do I try and be compassionate.
I would really appreciate some practical advice. I am so unsure.
Of course, as these things always happen, in the second last week of the course, I came accross an extremly challenging personal situation.
The Eight Verses and my buddhism generally has made me keep calm, after all what is really challenging is how we live and how we die. Pema Chodron had a line in one of her books that also ties in "Am I going to practice peace or am I going to war?" A fundamental question about every situation in life.
I suppose I should explain briefly, I discovered my boyfriend of four years (who I work with) has been having an on again/off again sexual relationship with another collegue. I had thought there was something going on a year ago and challenged both of them, but they both lied. The woman involved is married and has three children and works with us part time.
If your greatest enemy is your greatest teacher ... how can I put this into practice in this situation. I can learn about my own reactions, I understand that. I also understand that I have to feel my emotions and "get into them" and this could be a great spiritual practice for me.
My Boyfriend swears (again) that it was a mistake and meaningless and cant explain really why and how this happened. I am now facing a situation that I am really not sure how to deal with and how best to use spirituality to feel this. Do I forgive, do I try and be compassionate.
I would really appreciate some practical advice. I am so unsure.
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Comments
Sometimes, forgiveness is for the FORGIVER, and has nothing to do with the FORGIVEE.. If it is better for you to forgive, you will know it, and the time will be right. But don't forgive him or her for their sakes. They have their own problems to answer to.
Given that:
They have been prepared to continue an affair behind your back for some time....
they have also been deceitful about the duration.....
It appears to be a repetitive pattern, (on/off, on/off again)....
Chances are this will happen again.
The respect for your wishes and regard for your dignity is outweighed by their desire to continue this relationship.
It's happened before.
It will happen again.
Forgiveness and compassion have nothing whatsoever to do with self-preservation.... Whilst we need to develop them and use them, there's no point being an idiot about it.
What you have to decide is just how much tolerance you are going to show.
You must consider whether you are prepared to run the very real risk of them doing this again.
If you are, and you continue your relationship with your boyfriend, you must do so with your eyes wide open, and accept the consequences....
Does he love me?
Gosh talk about getting straight to the "heart" of the question ...
This guy I have discovered in the last week or so .... I really dont know, he is like a complete stranger. I have no idea what I think, seriously. None. Blank.
Brian,
That is an excellent point.
Sometimes we talk about forgiving people so much that it's hard to see that sometimes "forgiving" someone is "us" accepting the fact that we can't keep torturing ourselves with a given issue.
I never really thought about it like this until now - but "forgiving" has as much to do with out own mental peace as it does the person being forgiven.
-bf
Sometimes "love" is enough.
Sometimes it ain't.
You can love someone to death is it not amount to anything.
Someone can love you like crazy - but not enough to stop harming themselves or you.
You can love someone and bring them from the brink of death.
Sometimes love can overcome, seemingly, insurmountable odds.
Sometimes it can't.
Finding out how it is with us is part of our learning.
-bf
There are two issues here that need dealing with before forgiveness comes into the picture.
The first issue is your self esteem. It's very important to ask yourself why you would put up with betrayal by this, or any, partner. Intellectually you know you deserve much better and we all know you deserve much better. But you must get to a point where you understand you deserve much better and won't stand for it. Not even for a second. This issue is crucial and the one any counselor will address first if you decide to seek advice from someone who can help you.
The second issue is what Fede brought up; your boyfriend has repeatedly cheated on you and he will do so again. This is an absolute guarantee. He will betray you again for two reasons; because he is unable to be faithful, and because you allow it. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and as he repeatedly betrayed you he will betray you again in the future. You have a part to play in this as well because you told him it was all right by staying with him. Even if your words told him it wasn't all right, the fact that you stayed told him unequivocally that he could do as he liked and you wouldn't leave. Your actions spoke louder than your words.
You may have begun the relationship with full self esteem and his behavior and your unwillingness to leave have eroded that self esteem. Or you may have entered the relationship with self esteem issues and the situation made these issues worse. It doesn't really matter.
What matters is that today you find yourself in a situation in which whatever self esteem and self respect you have is being eaten up every minute of every day. You know this is true. You also know it's only going to get worse. The situation will further degrade you until you find yourself, one day, in serious trouble.
I understand how much of an investment four years is. Believe me, I do. And I know it may be virtually impossible to imagine your life without him. But you need to give yourself a massive shake and remind yourself how our attachments cause us to suffer. In your case the attachment to someone who serially betrays you will cause suffering that will be harsh and long term if you allow it to be.
And while you're giving yourself that massive shake remind yourself of the human being you are, the human being that contains Buddhanature, the noble and all encompassing nature of wisdom and compassion. Stand up like a Buddha, tall and strong, full of dignity, nobility and understanding. You are a Buddha, Grainne. You are. Don't let this situation mask that fact any further.
With great love and respect,
Brigid
There has been some good advice on the posts above. I (of course) have my own take on the situo. I have been in an almost identical situation years ago. Past behaviour is mostly an indicator of future behaviour-but not always.
ZM asked a good question-but you need to fully listen and feel with your heart about whether you do actually love him, and does he love you-only you can gauge this by real communication-real discussion.
If you love someone, set them free-stupid saying, but in this case, you can try it. send him back to his lover/whatever this must be for a few weeks/months-if he really loves you he will come back-but only if you are prepared to accept him.
A good friend of mine did the same to his wife-she sent him away to "her", he returned, she accepted him back, but one can almost guarantee that he will not reoffend-he truly loves her. I think this is the reassurance that you need.
I agree with Brian, Forgiveness is for YOU, not him. It is a concept that may initially sound weird, but it is to put your mind at ease-whichever way you go.
i had a GF who was a serial drug user/sex addict (not with me!), I took her sh** for two times over the time we were "together". At the third, she was OUT!-karma got to her though-I won't fill you in on the details-however, at the end.
I forgave myself. She got to piss off, we were both happy.:thumbsup:
cheers,
Xrayman