attachment and romantic love

mamalove

Am i correct in thinking Attachment in romantic love, is the giving of love and also having an expectation of what you receive in return..? If this is so, i am really struggling with how we can possibly NOT have expectations of the other, when you are married with children...my husband and i rely upon each other all the time, to survive, both emotionally and physically. It is true that it is not a terribly balanced relationship, and that if I were to stop expressing what i needed from my husband, he would probably stop being terribly helpful...but what does this mean? That our relationship can never be fulfilling?

Dakini

What?? Are you a beginner? If so, don't worry about attachment. Everything you describe sounds perfectly normal. Remember, we're not monastics. The Buddha had householder followers, married followers, and taught that members of a couple should help each other, rely on each other for certain things, as appropriate for male and female. Relax. You're fine. Welcome, btw.

WallyB

giving of love and also having an expectation of what you receive in return

buddha called this wholesome quality katannukatavedi, commonly translated as 'gratitude'. the full & literal meaning of katannukatavedi is: 'what others do for me; what i must do in return'

women, especially, should possess the quality of expectation of receiving in return. buddha taught a husband is to serve (support) his wife and, upon being served, a wife is to return her love

how we can possibly NOT have expectations of the other, when you are married with children...my husband

buddha taught there are mutual responsibilities is relationships therefore, naturally, there is expectation that each party meet their relationship responsibilities. for example, buddha taught:

In five ways, young householder, should a wife as the West be ministered to by a husband:

(i) by being courteous to her,
(ii) by not despising her,
(iii) by being faithful to her,
(iv) by handing over authority to her,
(v) by providing her with adornments.

The wife thus ministered to as the West by her husband shows her compassion to her husband in five ways:

(i) she performs her duties well,
(ii) she is hospitable to relations and attendants
(iii) she is faithful,
(iv) she protects what he brings,
(v) she is skilled and industrious in discharging her duties.

In five ways, young householder, a child should minister to his parents as the East:

(i) Having supported me I shall support them,
(ii) I shall do their duties,
(iii) I shall keep the family tradition,
(iv) I shall make myself worthy of my inheritance,
(v) furthermore I shall offer alms in honor of my departed relatives.

In five ways, young householder, the parents thus ministered to as the East by their children, show their compassion:

(i) they restrain them from evil,
(ii) they encourage them to do good,
(iii) they train them for a profession,
(iv) they arrange a suitable marriage,
(v) at the proper time they hand over their inheritance to them.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html

buddha taught elsewhere (no link) if both husband & wife or either husband or wife do not follow the five precepts then their marriage will be problematic. thus, in Buddhism, it is taught if we wish for a happy & stable marriage, a couple should expect of eachother to live with the five precepts

attachment in romantic love

you have wrong understanding about attachment. 'attachment' (upadana) means to be possessive; to make things very heavy & burdened with selfishness. if too attached to husband & children to the point of dominatrix then relationship will struggle

buddha taught there are seven kinds of wife: (1) like a murderer; (2) like a robber; (3) like a master (dominatrix); (4) like a mother; (5) like a sister; (6) like a friend; and (7) like a slave (servile)

(4) like a mother; (5) like a sister; (6) like a friend are wholesome skilful wives

regards

Tosh

I like the "love is wanting the other person to be happy and attachment is wanting the other person to make you happy."

I find that when I'm more concerned about my happiness than my partners, I can end up unhappy, but if I try to make my partner happy, I end up happy too.

mamalove

That makes so much more sense ok, thank you.