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How I handle self criticism
It was suggested I start a tread about the issue of self and low self esteem
Being an inherently lazy person I will do so by just mainly quoting what I posted on another thread
I have seen several postings mentioning low self esteem. Personally i dislike this term "self esteem". It is hard to strive for something with so vague a definition.
I will focus on replacing self critism with awareness of what I am doing not how i am doing it is a goal better defined. I had to just mentally shout STOP when I was being self critical. Loving and compassion starts with you to you.
I will STRIVE (not should) to be aware when I am comparing my self to others or some some ideal better person as this leads to self criticism.
I beleive in the theory that thoughts trigger emotions that leads to behaviors.
Rational thoughts, not necessarily positive thoughts, lead to more appropriate feelings (and more beneficial actions).. I am a student rather than i need to a better student. Being a student meaning I am learning not that I should know and understand all that is lectured to me. Shoulds and have to to self statements and the like lead to negative-unpleasent emotions.
Irrational self criticism leads to inappropriate shame which leads to social isolation is an example.
Is there any part of this that coincides with buddhist practice or does it go against it?
Others telling you how they arrived at peace is not what you should do to find peace but how they got there.
I studied REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) by someone trained by Albert Ellis can claim no original thoughts in the above but any misrepresentations are mine.
I am not talking about excusing myself for poor decisions I make but about irrational self criticism that interfere with my peace.
I want to thank the board for not having any spelling or grammer police here as I would continually be under another's criticism.
Being an inherently lazy person I will do so by just mainly quoting what I posted on another thread
I have seen several postings mentioning low self esteem. Personally i dislike this term "self esteem". It is hard to strive for something with so vague a definition.
I will focus on replacing self critism with awareness of what I am doing not how i am doing it is a goal better defined. I had to just mentally shout STOP when I was being self critical. Loving and compassion starts with you to you.
I will STRIVE (not should) to be aware when I am comparing my self to others or some some ideal better person as this leads to self criticism.
I beleive in the theory that thoughts trigger emotions that leads to behaviors.
Rational thoughts, not necessarily positive thoughts, lead to more appropriate feelings (and more beneficial actions).. I am a student rather than i need to a better student. Being a student meaning I am learning not that I should know and understand all that is lectured to me. Shoulds and have to to self statements and the like lead to negative-unpleasent emotions.
Irrational self criticism leads to inappropriate shame which leads to social isolation is an example.
Is there any part of this that coincides with buddhist practice or does it go against it?
Others telling you how they arrived at peace is not what you should do to find peace but how they got there.
I studied REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) by someone trained by Albert Ellis can claim no original thoughts in the above but any misrepresentations are mine.
I am not talking about excusing myself for poor decisions I make but about irrational self criticism that interfere with my peace.
I want to thank the board for not having any spelling or grammer police here as I would continually be under another's criticism.
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Comments
They may be deliberate, unthinking or completely innocent and supposedly innoccuous... but as we absorb and digest these messages, we tend to transform them into a critique of who we are and what we do. We start to believe the lie.
Our self-appraisal is then jaundiced and at a disadvantage, because we perceive these supposed defects to be on display, and readily visible and obvious to others... if one person has 'seen' us in this light, then surely others must see it too....
Tell someone they are stupid/silly/ugly/ridiculous/useless, enough times, they start to believe it....
But it all begins in our heads, with what we tell ourselves...
And in order to transform this attitude - to reverse the process and turn the thinking around - we have to first realise one very important, vital thing:
Everybody else thinks this way too.
We have all, without exception at one time or another, been subjected to criticism as I've described above... from teachers, parents, neighbours, friends, and even strangers...It's far easier to remember the harsh words, than it is to remember the smacks as a child...It's far easier to remember the negative things said to us, than it is to remember the compliments... and even when we receive and remember compliments, we don't believe them, because by then, the negative self-image has taken root...
Why do we harbour this self-criticism? Why do we all have a self-destruct button, that we toy with, and press every now and then, as if we feel it necessary to bring ourselves down a peg or two?
I keep calling myself a technical fudgewit and a PC doofus...But I know that technology and computers are not my bag... so it's an honest appraisal, though I know a darned sight more than I did before...
But I have ceased the constant barrage of self-rebuking, because I realised I was promulgating the perceptions of others, not mine...
I am a deeply flawed individual, no doubt. but I am at one and the same time, absolutely fine exactly as I am.
because, in accordance with the Kalama Sutra, I have even examined myself to seek the Truth within. I have seen myself - "Warts and all", as Cromwell put it, and although there is vast room for improvement, it is I that am the judge of this, not anyone else.
I know what areas I need to work on. but they are for me to evaluate and assess.
A series of jokes, in the UK always starts with the line "I used to be... (whatever) and the last line, "but now..." adds a wisecrack contradiction...
(Like... "I used to be a colour-prejudiced coward, but now I'm merely jaundiced" Richard Prior.... or, "I used to be Snow White, but then I drifted. " Mae West.)
My favourite one is:
"I used to be conceited, but now, I'm absolutely perfect!"
Just a few thoughts on it all....
Oh: and by the way... The Spelling and grammar Police have no jurisdiction here.
With all respect to Ellis and the cognitive therapists, whose work I have long admired, the Buddhist model of emotion arising as epiphenomenon from the interaction of body and mind led me to a more integrative (not to say holistic) approach.
I would add that I see 'self-esteem' as a step on the way and not an end in itself. It is only when we have some sense of the marvel that is humanity and our part in it that we reach a point where we can realise (i.e. make real) the understanding of the emptiness of self. There can then be neither esteem nor disparagement then unless we hallucinate.
To the question: I don't criticize. I don't even call it 'constructive criticism' anymore. I just look at everything, including observations of self. I used to think that I wanted to 'recreate' myself, be a better person/adult, striving 'to be' with my only reference the internal landscape that I would rather be 'not'. Bouncing back and forth, using self criticism as my method for improving.
One day, I just let that method go. These days, my kick is to watch the internal landscape, picking up things and examining and putting them back down, and moving on. If there is an associated 'twinge'....that is what I look at. Non-critically following that thread. It doesn't appear to be making me a better person, but it keeps me occupied.
I find myself agreeing again with you, Harlan. I feel very much the same way. I've recently taken the approach of looking at my thinking as if I am observing it as an objective scientist. I started doing this when I had a panic attack, using a part of my mind as a rational, objective observer of what was happening to me during the panic and thinking "Hmm. Vedy interesting." lol! This approach works the best for me because it has no moral connections or "shoulds" coming in to add more pressure. When I see thinking that causes suffering I think about it logically and try other ways of thinking and seeing, changing my perspective and so on. But I never place labels on myself anymore. I'm calling everything that I used to view as negative, as challenges or opportunities for practice. No good or bad anymore. I feel like I'm slowly crawling out of the mountain of crap that I spent most of my life building over me. I understand now that I'm no better and no worse than anyone else, I just have different challenges and opportunities. I know there's growth to be had in every situation and I'm gong to have it! lol!
Brigid
When i find myself in self critiical self speech I apply Right Mindfulness to help me with Right Effort to use Right Speech towards myself that helps with Right Conduct.
So I guess i just answered my own question.
I think I had been doing that for a while. Now I'm scared of practicing daily mindfulness.
r010 - you should not be afraid of practicing daily mindfulness.
It is my opinion that the "pratice" should have a side affect of "peace". Not to say that the road to enlightenment is an easy peaceful road. Because, as Palzang points out, we are/were/might be ignorant beings. We should evaluate, be mindful of, our thoughts and actions and test them against the teachings of Buddha.
Being mindful of oneself should not bring fear. I believe there is a difference between "watching yourself" and being mindful. Being mindful should be done by following the Middle Path and not straying to extremes.
-bf
Just let it be...what ever 'it' is.
Good points, Both you and ZM....
Lovely thread.....
i feel a general asumption for handling self criticism in western philosophy
is to " stand your ground!.. dont take the abuse..you are worthy!!... " many books
are sold on how to improve your self esteem
then there is eastern or buddhist philosophy... "humble yourself, love your enemy,
embrace them with compassion, almost put yourself last ideas"
i was mixed with what to think..
the more i read the more i see now that........
its bad karma to allow someone to abuse you. if you bring abuse / criticism to the others
attention in a non judgmental way to help them then you aid in creating them to change their karma.
with a silent blessing of peace you walk away from the abuser.. but bringing it to their attention if that can be done.. ( depending on the whole issue how it is handled )
then you create good karma for the both of you.
not that you go looking to do a good deed for yourself.
does this make sense.. i have a hard time explaining myself
but ..
i do feel the latter approach is the bestest!
: )