this middle way of control and avoidance

AMH

I am struggling with this one. I am waffling between wanting some effect, to some extent control, in situations. Not total control but in it's extreme it is control. The other side is just wanting to step out and avoid, be passive aggressive, etc.

So one example, less serious than others, is the dishes and dishes left on the coffee table. I have teenagers. I go to sleep and wake up to messes in the kitchen and on the coffee table especially on the weekends. I have heard that I need more control, I should get them to do this, or that I should let it go since I will miss them when they are grown and gone. So when I get too much into control then I set the alarm to wake up early so I have time to wake them up at 6 am and get them to clean. Or I let it go and get up early myself and clean. There are times I will come home and all the dishes are filthy and so I leave and get myself dinner instead of dealing with them and my own low blood sugar. Still the extreme of letting go and just leaving the big mess is not good and the extreme of pulling them through each and every step of their tasks does not work. And here is the middle.

It seems that if I get very meditative that sometimes it helps me handle this better, rarely. I can calmly either do the dishes or get the kids to do them. Maybe that is just my personality, lol, but I still wonder about finding that balance

taiyaki

touch and go.

problem: dishes need to be done.
solution: so tell them to do the dishes or you do them.

then move on to the next thing that has to be done.

problem: kids don't want to clean.
solution: heart to heart conversation on how this space is where we all live and if we make a mess, we need to clean it. no buts or ifs. be firm, but don't lose the heart.

then move on to the next thing that has to be done.

sorry if this is an oversimplification but this is how i get shit done throughout the day. wherever we linger is our clinging which causes immense suffering. and then nothing gets done. so what really helps is to see the problem clearly as it is and then find a solution as clearly as possible. then move on. no need to make a project, story, guilt trip, etc.

because everything is already moving bam bam bam bam. just like that. and if we're stuck on the first thing then there is no room for response. we close up.

so just touch everything and go.

etherea

Make some rules and make it clear that they have to be followed. When my girls were at home I had simple rules
No clean dishes - you can't eat until you've washed up
No washing out on wash day - no clean clothes that week
Be brave and firm and they will soon get the message.

federica

When my mother had to repeatedly ask my elder brother to do his washing up, and he just didn't comply, she picked up all his dirty dishes, glasses and cutlery - and put them in his bed.

you'd be amazed at how effective a little gentle reminder like that can be.

as an aside - and please don't be offended - but you have to stop labelling everything.
"Control and avoidance" It's nothing of the kind.
you're a mum, trying to run a household single-handed.
you have rules and limits, just like everyone else.
It's not a question of 'control' it's a question of asking people, living in your house, as minors, and therefore in your care, to comply with what you've requested.
Avoidance doesn't make you the better person, because this avoidance doesn't have the right effect.
Avoidance is when someone slaps you and you don't slap back, or when they insult you and you maintain your temper and don't bite.

This isn't 'avoidance'.
This is 'not quite knowing what to do, and not getting into an argument because you hate confrontation, as you believe it goes against your Buddhist principles'.
Yet Tibetan Buddhist monks think nothing of giving their young novices a swift smack in the ear when they misbehave!

Right action involves discipline.
when I lose my temper and people say, "Oh that's not very Buddhist of you" that just shows their ignorance, not my negligence.

AMH

thank you all for the comments,

I used the dishes as an example, we make progress or not based on the day but there is no 'solve' generally. I have to laugh about my oldest, we did the putting the dirty dishes on her bed. They were in the bin to wash up so maybe they needed to be dumped more than that. She put them back in the sink. I worked days and she worked nights so we went days without seeing each other. After a bit of this I told her she was a grown up and had to move out.

So i guess i just still struggle with the balance, outside of dishes. I am not in this deal to be a doormat that is for sure! So the one thing I would add to the thoughts is that when we face reality we also face situations and people we realize we are not able to work with and it is time to cut loose. When all the techniques and consequences have no effect, cut your losses. That is reality too