Regarding romantic love

chanratt

Is romance just an ego-based fantasy love? As opposed to the kind of love that grows with time and develops. Is it real or just a total illusion based on infatuation and, as I said, fantasy?

cacto

As long as your love is honest and without selfish intention it's a very good and human thing.

Some people say they love and do so only through self interest, that is, getting affection, attention, and security for themselves out of it, never really placing the one they supposedly love above themselves.

taiyaki

Yes, just another attachment. It is real, but it certainly is not true. Meaning the feelings one feels for another, etc are extremely real, but all the narratives we construct are just like a hollywood film.

True love is an instant of kindness, which requires nothing but openness.

Jeffrey

@taiyaki

Easier said than done when you are vibrating with a butter knife, a lump of coal resin, a cat painted with a white meanstreak, and a sour love potion.

And a snow globe.

But we all have workable situations. As Trungpa says, "your guess is as good as mine."

Dakini

Is romance just an ego-based fantasy love? As opposed to the kind of love that grows with time and develops. Is it real or just a total illusion based on infatuation and, as I said, fantasy?

Do you mean, the falling-in-love rush sensation? Sometimes that can be based on one's projections onto another person. It's best to get to know another person gradually, over time, imo. Projections would be an egoic phenomenon, rather than seeing someone as they truly are. This is what we try to achieve in Buddhism, seeing the world and its denizens as it all really is. Clarity.

Floating_Abu

But we all have workable situations. As Trungpa says, "your guess is as good as mine."

:clap:

DairyLama

Is romance just an ego-based fantasy love? ?

It's mostly biological.

Cinorjer

Is romance just an ego-based fantasy love? As opposed to the kind of love that grows with time and develops. Is it real or just a total illusion based on infatuation and, as I said, fantasy?

In Defense of Romance.
by G Costlow

Once upon a time
a loving couple, hand in hand,
set out to seek their fortunes
in a magic, wonderous land...

No, romance isn't just an ego-based fantasy love. Romance is a dance of love done with passion. It's love without the ego. What is romance? When you do something for the person you love simply because you know it will make them happy and for no expectation of reward beyond that. That's when we say, "That's so romantic!"

As time wore on they conquered
first one peril, then another.
They battled giants, dragons, trolls,
and sometimes fought each other.

Passion and love are not mutually exclusive. It's not one or the other. Neither is passion without love something to admire. That's just creepy behavior that means being arrested for stalking. And love without passion? That's just putting up with each other.

There is no ending to this tale;
they're somewhere out there still.
They've never reached their goal
and (truth to tell) they never will.

Now, romantic stories are by definition fantasies. They are stories of a perfect world where Love Conquers All. Don't confuse the mythic archtype of the star-crossed lovers with reality. But what is reality? What is romance? Live fully and completely. Love fully and completely. Put a little passion into what you do, once in a while. That's all. No big philosophical statement.

So share your love with someone else;
you'll find there joy and laughter
and maybe even find you're living
happily ever after.

RichardH

Is romance just an ego-based fantasy love? As opposed to the kind of love that grows with time and develops. Is it real or just a total illusion based on infatuation and, as I said, fantasy?

Powerful ancient chemistry.. When in mutual romantic love, you are in love along with a million generations. It would be a shame for anyone to miss that experience. It can peter out.. or it can mature beyond mating instinct... transform.

Floating_Abu

I vote with the romantics here. Romantic love can also be an expression of true love, but as in all things, it is the clarity (ability for) that makes it tricky.

Diseria

Romance matters if you & your partner figured it into the dynamic.

After just ending a 3 year relationship with my "baby daddy" (for lack of a better & quicker explanation), Romance is needed when the going-gets-tough. It helps to keep the connection alive.

If Romance was part of the equation, & it dies... makes it really f*ing hard to keep the relationship going.

DairyLama

What is romance? When you do something for the person you love simply because you know it will make them happy and for no expectation of reward beyond that.

"No expectation of reward"? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Cinorjer

What is romance? When you do something for the person you love simply because you know it will make them happy and for no expectation of reward beyond that.

"No expectation of reward"? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Ah, but that's not romance. That's just a business transaction. Buy her dinner, get nookie. Fix him a meal, he owes you a meal at a restaurant in the future. You do something nice for me, I do something nice for you.

Here's romance:

Several months ago I lost a tool kit. I was upset with myself because I thought I'd been careless enough to set it on the ground while cleaning out my truck and driving off. After moping about the house for a couple of days, complaining about how I was getting forgetful in my old age, my wife found it in the cluttered basement while I was at work. Happy thoughts all around.

Then this weekend I was cleaning out the shed and found the original tools I thought I'd lost. I now had two identical sets. My wife confessed that she'd snuck out and searched the stores until she found the exact same toolkit back then and bought me a replacement and pretended to find my old one, because I was feeling so bad about being forgetful. She knew if she'd just handed me a new set, I'd be guilty about her having to spend the money.

Now if you think of romance as flowers and sunsets and violins playing in the background, this doesn't sound very romantic. But, she cared enough to do something simply because it would make me feel better. The fact that I'd never know what she'd done didn't matter. If I had actually lost the tools, I would have never known the effort she put into sneaking out and finding the replacement. That's romance, after you've been married twenty years.

ownerof1000oddsocks

My wife confessed that she'd snuck out and searched the stores until she found the exact same toolkit back then and bought me a replacement and pretended to find my old one, because I was feeling so bad about being forgetful. She knew if she'd just handed me a new set, I'd be guilty about her having to spend the money.

Proving once again that life is more than just the sum of your parts... er I mean its parts.

Don't mean to be rude tho, aww, nice story!

Floating_Abu

Then this weekend I was cleaning out the shed and found the original tools I thought I'd lost. I now had two identical sets. My wife confessed that she'd snuck out and searched the stores until she found the exact same toolkit back then and bought me a replacement and pretended to find my old one, because I was feeling so bad about being forgetful. She knew if she'd just handed me a new set, I'd be guilty about her having to spend the money.

Now if you think of romance as flowers and sunsets and violins playing in the background, this doesn't sound very romantic. But, she cared enough to do something simply because it would make me feel better. The fact that I'd never know what she'd done didn't matter. If I had actually lost the tools, I would have never known the effort she put into sneaking out and finding the replacement. That's romance, after you've been married twenty years.

What a beautiful gesture, and what a loving wife.

Thanks for sharing, @Cinorjer