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Here I Am At My Lowest
ajani_mgo
Veteran
There is one person I don't wish to post here. Argon, that's you, please.
Solitude and anxiousness is what I feel, aware of these feelings every moment I breathe.
Utterly destroyed by yesterday and dreams I had here I am seeking help to calm myself.
A few weeks ago I totally fell out with my good brother Argon. He seems to think I have changed, because over MSN I no longer hold funny chats with him as always. However it is because I am totally stressed out and busy, and it is not as if we still fall out in the real world. I am angry with him, for bringing my "MSN Self" for my true "Self". I understand that it is wrong of me to just snub my friend like that, even if I am at my most busiest, but I am not happy with him, for he seems to be carrying it over to the real world.
I have a feeling it started way back then... Some here would have remembered a time when I had just destroyed his relationship unintentionally. It is of Argon's personality to hide everything, his weaknesses and his fears, but I can see that he hasn't gotten over her. During that time there was a period where he and my philosophy towards a failed relationship conflicted. I know that my philosophy towards such affairs conflict with my peers greatly. I will elaborate on that later. I rebuked him for trying to continue causing hurt to the girl when he started to change his MSN nickname to some very ambiguous statements, which when I questioned him he claimed it was "random thoughts". These statements I knew if seen by the girl could send a strong signal to her, to hurt her beyond anything.
I think ever since that time things between us just started to ice, until a few days ago he told me that I had made him cry with my behaviour.
Brigid, you once had told me something about "taking on too many responsibilities". I do believe this is when I must take this up.
I had tried resolving it. MSN behaviour's different from real-world, for it is only true of myself to be so. I have got work to do. I may know that friends take priority, but when it is a conversation which is pure humour that requires me to take part, I'm sorry but I think I must put my work first. He misses his old brother I know, I am sorry for killing him.
A few days ago after I told my partner about it. She had tried to intervene by acting as a mediator. This I appreciate her work.
Yesterday we went to her church, me for a visit. After that I believe I went overboard when I tried to ask some very offensive questions about her faith. Now I know I don't have to ask, but I ask only because I saw the possibility of integrating Christianity with Buddhism, as I already do as some of you here may know.
That night she tried to go into another session to mediate with Argon. I told her that I really was sorry for those questions, because I really still have long-standing stereotypes of Christians. I know that her cell is different because I've been in it.
All I wish is a place like Dharmasala, where two communities can live in perfect harmony.
Well I know I can now, but I will just need time to adapt.
That as when she told me that she would help me to the capacity of a good friend. And that was when it started.
She says I am insensitive. She had dropped hints to watch Poiseidon together, which I had dropped another back. I told her many times I had asked her on other occassions for other places but well, it's no use.
It's more than that. I told her to rethink as I rejected her breakup, which she told me she had thought through for a fairly long time. I told her to think again for the next few days and give me a reply then. She told me she was sorry, becuase she felt that she had just destroyed any hope that me and Argon might reconcile now, because she said something which just shut him up. I told her that it was OK, I was more concerned about me and her now.
I know that between us IS possible. Miscommunication always played a terrible role in causing such stuff to happen. Well, I know many chances have been given, and I know I always did something. Obviously I now feel I can do more, so if another chance can be given, I will treasure it. What chance did she give me, if it wasn't told to me?
And yesterday I went to sleep, prior to that very much repeating to myself in my head "We can, we can.."
And it was Dreamworld... Three dreams, one rain, one terror.
The first dream, me approaching her at a bus stop. There she kept rejecting me and distancing herself away.
Second, a dream I would never forget, and have never forgotten. This dream forms the fear of my life, the fear of all that I have only told to her. In this dream the world becomes a dusty red, and the world had Ended. There were very few survivors, me and a few others I did not know. We would forage and try to survive in the extreme conditions. Until a point of time in the dream we would split up, and they would die. And I, in my status as the sole survivor of the world, in perfect loneliness, will always be sitting in a room, armed with a knife. But when I tried to kill myself by slashing my wrist, for the conditions were unbearable. One of solitude, suffering, aimlessness. But each time I tried, the knife would not even go into my skin, it would press hard into my flesh, but no blood would even drip out. This dream I fear it as I tell it, and it would always return during my most downest moments to remind me... Here I didn't fear death, I feared not dying, feared solitude, feared everything, detested my own existence.
The third dream came amidst me feeling vividly scarred by the precious dream in my sleep. It was a dream where Argon had ran away from home, and I was somewhere in Singapore searching for him. Then I caught his sight in a block of flats that extended away from me endlessly. I approached him as he bumped into me. He told me not to care for him, then ran off. Naturally I gave chase. As I ran, I passed many sights of terror. A young man beating up an old man, a gangfight, deaths, quarrels... But all of these scenes fled and just vapourised in front of me with loud shouts and screams.
I woke up to a flash of lightning. It started to rain. Usually rain would always be an aid towards curing any depression or fear I might have, but in this case, I detested it.
Here I am, psychologically weak, trembling with ultimate fear. I fear not her reply, but for all that. If she still insists, I will continue to argue for myself. I will not give up until I am fatigued. If it fails, then I shall be alone now, friendless, only a forum to fall back, and only another true friend left in the real world, who nevertheless cannot help me as much. I shall hold myself true to my philosophy. I will put in effort once more to win her back. Mettas to me! Mettas to her reply!
Help me! How do I solve my own psychological problems now?
"There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear." - Somewhere from John
Solitude and anxiousness is what I feel, aware of these feelings every moment I breathe.
Utterly destroyed by yesterday and dreams I had here I am seeking help to calm myself.
A few weeks ago I totally fell out with my good brother Argon. He seems to think I have changed, because over MSN I no longer hold funny chats with him as always. However it is because I am totally stressed out and busy, and it is not as if we still fall out in the real world. I am angry with him, for bringing my "MSN Self" for my true "Self". I understand that it is wrong of me to just snub my friend like that, even if I am at my most busiest, but I am not happy with him, for he seems to be carrying it over to the real world.
I have a feeling it started way back then... Some here would have remembered a time when I had just destroyed his relationship unintentionally. It is of Argon's personality to hide everything, his weaknesses and his fears, but I can see that he hasn't gotten over her. During that time there was a period where he and my philosophy towards a failed relationship conflicted. I know that my philosophy towards such affairs conflict with my peers greatly. I will elaborate on that later. I rebuked him for trying to continue causing hurt to the girl when he started to change his MSN nickname to some very ambiguous statements, which when I questioned him he claimed it was "random thoughts". These statements I knew if seen by the girl could send a strong signal to her, to hurt her beyond anything.
I think ever since that time things between us just started to ice, until a few days ago he told me that I had made him cry with my behaviour.
Brigid, you once had told me something about "taking on too many responsibilities". I do believe this is when I must take this up.
I had tried resolving it. MSN behaviour's different from real-world, for it is only true of myself to be so. I have got work to do. I may know that friends take priority, but when it is a conversation which is pure humour that requires me to take part, I'm sorry but I think I must put my work first. He misses his old brother I know, I am sorry for killing him.
A few days ago after I told my partner about it. She had tried to intervene by acting as a mediator. This I appreciate her work.
Yesterday we went to her church, me for a visit. After that I believe I went overboard when I tried to ask some very offensive questions about her faith. Now I know I don't have to ask, but I ask only because I saw the possibility of integrating Christianity with Buddhism, as I already do as some of you here may know.
That night she tried to go into another session to mediate with Argon. I told her that I really was sorry for those questions, because I really still have long-standing stereotypes of Christians. I know that her cell is different because I've been in it.
All I wish is a place like Dharmasala, where two communities can live in perfect harmony.
Well I know I can now, but I will just need time to adapt.
That as when she told me that she would help me to the capacity of a good friend. And that was when it started.
She says I am insensitive. She had dropped hints to watch Poiseidon together, which I had dropped another back. I told her many times I had asked her on other occassions for other places but well, it's no use.
It's more than that. I told her to rethink as I rejected her breakup, which she told me she had thought through for a fairly long time. I told her to think again for the next few days and give me a reply then. She told me she was sorry, becuase she felt that she had just destroyed any hope that me and Argon might reconcile now, because she said something which just shut him up. I told her that it was OK, I was more concerned about me and her now.
I know that between us IS possible. Miscommunication always played a terrible role in causing such stuff to happen. Well, I know many chances have been given, and I know I always did something. Obviously I now feel I can do more, so if another chance can be given, I will treasure it. What chance did she give me, if it wasn't told to me?
And yesterday I went to sleep, prior to that very much repeating to myself in my head "We can, we can.."
And it was Dreamworld... Three dreams, one rain, one terror.
The first dream, me approaching her at a bus stop. There she kept rejecting me and distancing herself away.
Second, a dream I would never forget, and have never forgotten. This dream forms the fear of my life, the fear of all that I have only told to her. In this dream the world becomes a dusty red, and the world had Ended. There were very few survivors, me and a few others I did not know. We would forage and try to survive in the extreme conditions. Until a point of time in the dream we would split up, and they would die. And I, in my status as the sole survivor of the world, in perfect loneliness, will always be sitting in a room, armed with a knife. But when I tried to kill myself by slashing my wrist, for the conditions were unbearable. One of solitude, suffering, aimlessness. But each time I tried, the knife would not even go into my skin, it would press hard into my flesh, but no blood would even drip out. This dream I fear it as I tell it, and it would always return during my most downest moments to remind me... Here I didn't fear death, I feared not dying, feared solitude, feared everything, detested my own existence.
The third dream came amidst me feeling vividly scarred by the precious dream in my sleep. It was a dream where Argon had ran away from home, and I was somewhere in Singapore searching for him. Then I caught his sight in a block of flats that extended away from me endlessly. I approached him as he bumped into me. He told me not to care for him, then ran off. Naturally I gave chase. As I ran, I passed many sights of terror. A young man beating up an old man, a gangfight, deaths, quarrels... But all of these scenes fled and just vapourised in front of me with loud shouts and screams.
I woke up to a flash of lightning. It started to rain. Usually rain would always be an aid towards curing any depression or fear I might have, but in this case, I detested it.
Here I am, psychologically weak, trembling with ultimate fear. I fear not her reply, but for all that. If she still insists, I will continue to argue for myself. I will not give up until I am fatigued. If it fails, then I shall be alone now, friendless, only a forum to fall back, and only another true friend left in the real world, who nevertheless cannot help me as much. I shall hold myself true to my philosophy. I will put in effort once more to win her back. Mettas to me! Mettas to her reply!
Help me! How do I solve my own psychological problems now?
"There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear." - Somewhere from John
0
Comments
Oh, my, you're in a bit of a state, aren't you? I'm having a little trouble understanding all the details from your post but from what I can gather, you and Argon are not getting along and your girlfriend wants to break up with you, or at least she wants some space. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. But it is actually better to go through it now and learn what you can from it than go through it later in life.
As far as Argon is concerned, I think you just need to have an honest conversation with him and go from there. The situation is too complex for me to give you any other advice than that.
It's very difficult to give advice when I'm not entirely clear about the situation but I do know one thing for sure. Not only do you have to allow your girlfriend to break up with you if she so desires but you must respect her right to make such a choice. This is very important, Ajani. Your idea that you can get back the relationship you once had by sheer effort and determination on your part is a false one. You may be able to bully her, coerce her or force her to get back together with you but you will not have the same relationship you had before. A relationship takes the will of two people, Ajani. When one of those people have lost their will for the relationship, it's over. You can't reject her break up. It's impossible. You don't control her heart, you only control your own. You can't make her want to stay with you, no matter how much you argue or what you say.
It's also very important that you do not argue that she stay with you, Ajani. You must allow her to do as she wishes. You must. If you don't it will bring on much worse suffering than you're experiencing now. You don't have the right to try to coerce her to stay with you and she knows that. You must give her the space and opportunity to do what she wants, in her heart, to do. Any argument from you will push her further away and cause more suffering.
I know that's not what you wanted to hear, Ajani. I also know how much things like this hurt. I really, really do. I understand how much pain you're feeling and how much suffering you're going through. Do you know what the Second Noble Truth is? It is that suffering is caused by grasping. You are grasping for your relationship with her and it's causing you suffering and it's causing her suffering. If you wish to end the suffering, Ajani, let go.
Love,
Brigid
Stating your side of the story and begging her to rethink are not only grasping but coercion as well. You are grasping, Ajani. That's why you're in so much pain. Think about it.
Brigid
I told her I desired only for one day.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I shall.
Tomorrow I shall make it upon myself to be aware, to feel the day.
As I shall ask as I leave, having my last day promised, "Do I have - another day?" and the reply shall give me new life. Rebirth.
Miracles happened during the past two days, which I shall post after tomorrow.
Life Is Great, really.
Trust me, Brigid. Trust me, all. I have understood Love in my own right.
Tomorrow I shall be reborn.
I remember a yogi in India who once said, "We are all made up of Love."
Christ taught about Love.
The Buddha taught about Love for All.
Love, is what builds us. You, me, ALL.
Life Is Great.
Have you seen a doctor yet, and have you been prescribed medication to address your moods or thoughts?
May you be well! May you be free from suffering!
Sounds like you have had some good Dharma insights.
_/\_
metta