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Eager to tease others? how annoying.
still_learning
Veteran
I've always found it interesting to observe and analyze the behavior of the people around me (and my behavior as well).
Recently, I've been meeting people who appear to be eager to tease others. As the title says, I find it annoying. I'm not an expert at reading people, it just appears to me like a pre-emptive strike against others to keeps others from seeing their insecurities. It's like putting someone else down to feel better about yourself, but at a milder level.
It usually doesn't bother me, as I'll just brush it off, but I've been seeing it happen a lot recently.
I can understand that people do that just for fun and in a friendly manner, but when someone employs it on a consistent basis, it bothers me.
In one case, this guy who appears to "cool" always has a funny joke. But after a while I realized that all of his jokes are at someone else's expense, and he is eager to tease everyone. After having been at more social events with him, I've noticed that his sports/athletic skills are subpar even though he looks athletic, and his financial situation isn't so great even though he always wears nice clothes.
I guess some people need to put up these shields to survive emotionally. I bet his personal issues weigh heavy on him.
I've seen a bunch of other people like that recently and I feel sorry for them. I'm really glad that I don't feel like I have to do that. Sure, I have my insecurities, but I'm willing to show or discuss 99% of them openly with anyone. A bunch of years ago, I realized that my insecurities are nothing to be ashamed of, and it's very probable that other people go through the same thing. I declassified a lot of my personal information, and I felt a lot freer.
In another case I found interesting was how my girlfriend gets teased by one of her older sister's friend very often. The sister and friends were considered the "cool people". This one friend has had a long tradition of teasing my GF cuz they've know each other a long time, so sure, it's understandable that it's their thing. But what I've seen is that this friend takes the tiniest opportunity to tease my GF, like misspelling a word, or mispronouncing a word. I can see that being funny in grade school, but at age 35, it's getting old. In my mind I was thinking, "really? this is what you do?, and you're supposed to be cool? You're actually just annoying." It's sad.
I'm so grateful for the friends I have. When they tease me, at least it's actually funny and warranted, and not habitual.
Recently, I've been meeting people who appear to be eager to tease others. As the title says, I find it annoying. I'm not an expert at reading people, it just appears to me like a pre-emptive strike against others to keeps others from seeing their insecurities. It's like putting someone else down to feel better about yourself, but at a milder level.
It usually doesn't bother me, as I'll just brush it off, but I've been seeing it happen a lot recently.
I can understand that people do that just for fun and in a friendly manner, but when someone employs it on a consistent basis, it bothers me.
In one case, this guy who appears to "cool" always has a funny joke. But after a while I realized that all of his jokes are at someone else's expense, and he is eager to tease everyone. After having been at more social events with him, I've noticed that his sports/athletic skills are subpar even though he looks athletic, and his financial situation isn't so great even though he always wears nice clothes.
I guess some people need to put up these shields to survive emotionally. I bet his personal issues weigh heavy on him.
I've seen a bunch of other people like that recently and I feel sorry for them. I'm really glad that I don't feel like I have to do that. Sure, I have my insecurities, but I'm willing to show or discuss 99% of them openly with anyone. A bunch of years ago, I realized that my insecurities are nothing to be ashamed of, and it's very probable that other people go through the same thing. I declassified a lot of my personal information, and I felt a lot freer.
In another case I found interesting was how my girlfriend gets teased by one of her older sister's friend very often. The sister and friends were considered the "cool people". This one friend has had a long tradition of teasing my GF cuz they've know each other a long time, so sure, it's understandable that it's their thing. But what I've seen is that this friend takes the tiniest opportunity to tease my GF, like misspelling a word, or mispronouncing a word. I can see that being funny in grade school, but at age 35, it's getting old. In my mind I was thinking, "really? this is what you do?, and you're supposed to be cool? You're actually just annoying." It's sad.
I'm so grateful for the friends I have. When they tease me, at least it's actually funny and warranted, and not habitual.
0
Comments
Uh, you misspelled 'because'.
It could account for my missing front teeth too!
And don't worry about Ozen, he annoys everyone, even my cat; just look at it's unhappy little face; poor thing. And I think if the Buddha was a forum member, he'd be getting angry at some of Ozen's posts too.
Life's not always easy as a 'teaser' you know!
But, people who tease need to know where the lines are, and need to keeping teasing positive in terms of what is acceptable to the person being teased. I teased people, when appropriate, but was even more apt to be involved with self-depreciating humor.
as a buddhist i'd tell you to have compassion for the people you despise , because everyone has their limits of understanding. so do you
I'll say stuff like "If you'd like to take a seat close to the door where you can easily escape!", or if I know the person (I live in a small town) and they come to their first meeting, I'll say, "Ah, Bob, we've been waiting for you mate, grab a seat and I'll get you a coffee!"
And look at this guy, he's got a black belt in teasing:
Verrrrry good, IMO.
Teasing to me sounds like low level micky taking; nothing strong or designed to hurt. I think it's best to err on the side of caution if you don't know how sensitive the other person is though.
You have to remind yourself that other people cannot set the terms by which you are defined, and then their barbed words will find no target to stick in.
Easier said than done, but well worth the effort.
For that reason (I rationalize) I learned to conflate harmless teasing with real bullying and threat to survival on a biological level. As an adult while I appreciate the difference between harmless teasing and disarming humour, designed to take the sting out of dying, I'm not good at it myself and have a tendency to be stingy if pushed.
General banter is not my forte (does not mix well with others)
Good luck. We do heal, and it doesn't hurt to be active in that process.
I wonder if meditation could help resolve passive-aggression too>? If we don't possess the skill to diffuse hostility we bottle it up and use indirect ways (skills we have learned) to attack or to gain power in a competitive and sometimes hostile world.
But isn't it our fear of being attacked, our inability to take punishment (on a physical and mental level) not to mention the pressure to be a man (big boys don't cry) that leads us to react in hostile ways and to prove once and for all, we are brave, and not to be trifled with?
Perhaps skilled violence as a deterrent is better than secretly fuming away, becoming petty and mean minded or even a tyrant and a bully as a result of persistent poking and teasing. Martial arts anyone?
Also, learning how to win is incomplete without learning how to lose, and facing tough natural environments is good training for accepting one's limitations.
I agree that a lot of passive-aggressive, or self-righteous harm is done behind the facade of peace; it helps, so as not to get caught up in this oneself, to be mindful that life can be difficult, that we are all doing our best, and that people make errors even when they try to actualise kindness and goodness, which are skills to be developed, and aren't ways one can just decide upon.
Mindfulness is the thread that leads us through the battles and over the hurdles.
This can be a common theme between the sexes, but obviously works in other spheres too and is generally annoying.
I had two friends years ago who hung out together all the time, and they told me they became friends in an unusual way. They didn't much like each other, fought at times, but one of them loaned some cash to the other when he was in trouble with some heavy people... thing is, they were from different sides of the tracks, and the gangster type later told his friend that he had planned to take the money, not pay it back and never come over to his house again.
But he had surprised himself by being moved by the fact that though the other guy didn't much like him, he recognised he needed help and did so.
So he popped round another time with the money, then went over again for no particular reason, and they became inseparable.
I agree with 'Quietly and clearly saying what needs to be said', unfortunately some circumstances seem impossible or at least stagnant and without improvement. I can think of one or two persons that are painfully unaware, but it would be interfering, teasing, perhaps even devastating for the individuals in question. As you also suggest, we do our best, even when best sometimes means perpetually stuck, to be optimistic about it.
@ozen, thanks for correcting my spelling. I'm somewhat of a stickler for correct spelling. I was gonna click on the like button for you comment, but seems they've taken it away.
@Jeffrey, defining "cool people", my definition is: people who dress nice/trendy, are popular, and others generally want to be like them or be around them. Sometimes, I am just told that certain people are part of the "cool crowd" back in high school.
@Tosh, yeah, teasing teenagers can be a lot fun. But it can also be very traumatizing for them, because every little thing is such a big deal at that age.
However, when I'm with my own friends and not random people or tenuously-linked acquaintances, teasing is great fun. You noted this too in your OP.
I think it's a matter of familiarity sometimes - you know your friends aren't out to harass you, so you're cool with it. However, with people you may not know as well, it comes off as aggressive.