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the way of not hating
I recently have been dealing with some horrible people. I am struggling with not sharing the stories since I do not think that helps (other than as it comes up and affects daily life so sometimes I need to tell). These are truly not nice people. One is a narcissist and I have been put in a position to deal with him more directly for a short time. I find myself reacting and thinking that Buddhism has nothing to say on this, but I know it does. Reading Pema Chodron right now is really helping.
For one I have had a large compassionate heart. I think that not finding the middle ground made me more susceptible to some of the people I have attracted. I will find the lost puppy and make excuses for a long time. I still cannot find compassion for the narcissist, and i think that is okay, but finding the way to not hate or hold onto hurt and anger is a struggle.
I read in one discussion about 'sick' people and how to deal with them in buddhism is to face reality. A snake is a snake, and you use caution or avoid. So if someone shows signs of being potentially damaging you just kindly leave them alone. But i still do not feel compassion more than the occassional moment of 'they don't know what they are missing'.
For one I have had a large compassionate heart. I think that not finding the middle ground made me more susceptible to some of the people I have attracted. I will find the lost puppy and make excuses for a long time. I still cannot find compassion for the narcissist, and i think that is okay, but finding the way to not hate or hold onto hurt and anger is a struggle.
I read in one discussion about 'sick' people and how to deal with them in buddhism is to face reality. A snake is a snake, and you use caution or avoid. So if someone shows signs of being potentially damaging you just kindly leave them alone. But i still do not feel compassion more than the occassional moment of 'they don't know what they are missing'.
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Comments
Having compassion for someone not having what you have is a tricky path to tread.
Compassion requires the empathy & sympathy to know what it would really be like to walk in their shoes. Can you, have you, really done this?
A starting point is usually finding out and facing where you yourself are narcisistic. If you are having a viceral reaction to him, this will not be an easy practise for you.
The next is knowing that which is transcendant in you, is also transcendant in him, and relating to that part of him. This can allow you to be open to that part of him that you can love while "protecting" yourself from whatever aspects that you see as harmful to you.
And finally while working with this new teacher of yours, figure out what part of you that he could actually harm. The answers to that will probably answer those pesky karmic questions about why you keep ending up attracting a particular type of being to you.
Also I have learned a tremendous amount over the years, I would not say to treat people like you want to be treated but as much as you reasonably can the way that they want to be treated. I have paid attention and some things that work dealing with him I would be highly offended about. Like when you say you need to get off the phone often because there is something quite urgent and the person does not stop talking. Well it was urgent enough I just hung up, and I thought he would be angry, He did not remember or get angry. Ah-ha, that means treating him how he wants to be treated, it is better to hang up than discuss why it is urgent you get off the phone.
After working with that awhile I think what this lesson is to leave it alone again, continue on the path of finding new people without running away from this. I have spent some serious time on the things like seeing my own narcissism (and you wouldn't know that) so the feeling I have is it is okay to just let it all go and not solve it. I will need to deal with him a few more days and then can go back to my life that is where I have new people.
On a side note, I feel that this situation (this is an ex-husband so me and my family have dealt with him abotu 25 years) has increased compassion in the rest of my family. My mom who is not so emotional of a person talked to me last night about an article she read through church about emotional abuse. I have not talked to my family very much about how I lived for a long time but that opened a door for some good communication. Maybe it has nothing to do with him.
Good luck.
In the overall situation I would agree with @Dakini: "create and maintain boundaries firmly."
What happened with him to make him/her a narcissist in your perception? I think identifying the real problem can help. The narcissist didn't create the whole problem. If they did then you are screwed. But part of the problem is you, how you relate or worry. Is it worries?
* years of practice still leads to practice, no matter what I have done to resolve in myself things with this person in the past I am still challenged by the behavior and have put myself in a position of minimal contact and effect on me.
* understanding the 'why' of his narcissism tended to make me more accepting of unacceptable behavior,