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Renouncing expectations
ClayTheScribe
Veteran
"Renounce the underpinnings of suffering (self-cherishing, grasping and expectations) and your suffering will disappear. Suffering cannot arise after these obstacles are gone. Therefore, there is a direct link between self cherishing, grasping, expectation, and seemingly unrelated suffering. The suffering is smoke and mirrors of the actual problem." ~ Domo Geshe Rinpoche
I saw another talk by a Buddhist teacher this year on YouTube who instructed to have low expectations. I tried that and apparently failed miserably because I still found myself immensely disappointed of the outcome I was "supposedly" expecting. How do I truly renounce/dissolve expectations/expecting? At least how do I truly accept my low expectations or at least how do I begin? Because I am clueless here.
I saw another talk by a Buddhist teacher this year on YouTube who instructed to have low expectations. I tried that and apparently failed miserably because I still found myself immensely disappointed of the outcome I was "supposedly" expecting. How do I truly renounce/dissolve expectations/expecting? At least how do I truly accept my low expectations or at least how do I begin? Because I am clueless here.
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Having low expectations is still having expectations. It's "simply" living in the moment and not worrying about what that moment will bring many moments down the road. Of course in the lives we live, it's pretty hard not to consider the future, but I have found it helps to limit that thinking only to particular planning sessions. If we need to plan ahead for something, we talk about it, but then we are done. I try to make myself not think about it outside of the designated time we chose to discuss it. Much easier said that done!
I'm still trying to find the right words to answer your questions. I guess I started by calling myself back to the moment. When I meditate, I pull myself back to focus on my breath. I do the same thing in mindfulness. If I'm washing dishes and my mind is wandering, I remind myself "I am washing this fork." The more I did that, the more it permeated other areas of my life. It makes it easier to not expect something particular to happen in the next moment. I found the "Miracle of Mindfulness" to have good suggestions.
Eliminating expectations really is just about living in the current moment. Another example, when I do homework with my son, I am often thinking "What if he doesn't turn it in? What if he gets a bad grade? We've studied really hard, what if he doesn't get the grade he deserves?" etc etc. But have found it very helpful to remind myself that I'm just sitting with my son, enjoying our time and his presence and worry only about making the process of doing the homework enjoyable, as opposed to projecting my fears of the outcome, which then causes stress and anxiety.
I still haven't quite figured out what I really want to say. I'll stop rambling and think about it for a little bit, I'm sure someone else can explain it with better words. Expect only the moment you are in, it might be the last one you have. Using it to think about or worry about future or past moments is a waste of that moment.
"Drop all Expectations".
such a blissful shedding of the unnecessary!
Or as one wit put it - "Blessed are they who expect nothing - for verily, they shall not be disappointed."
When am I going to run out of bread?
Where is the next gas station likely to be?
Who is that person walking towards me in that familiar raincoat likely to be?
These calculations are the results of all our past experiences and enable us to extrapolate the likely effects.
If one clings to any part of an expectations, suffering results. If one does not cling to ones expectations, they simply evolve as true or not but remain taint less in their birth, life and passing.
If remaining in the moment, excluded all expectations then we would be seriously hobbling our abilities to figure out where to put the next foot.
If we cling to our expectations, then we predetermine our next foot step by blinding ourselves to all the alternative possibilities.
If we can live in the moment while remaining cognisant without attachment to our expectations, then function and freedom manifests..
Always comes back to trying to digest that 4 Noble Truth meal.
The Ego often demonstrates
that the outcome of any desired possibility
is inversely proportionate to it's degree of desirability.
Believing this to be the whole story can be the reason why some folks just give there Ego a more acceptable presentation rather than a diet plan..
Meditation allows pain to be seen as pain and suffering to be seen as our relationship to that pain. Meditatively experiencing both without fiddling around to change either, will show you the causes for your attachment and the means to it's cessation. Not a easy task but completely do able..
A bit of faith can be another method. Our teachers teach us something and we can sometimes be triggered into just doing it because we believe it to be a good method. The mind can just go this way sometimes and we can also cultivate its faith. Faith in the wisdom of the Buddha, for example.
A third option can be trying until we tried everything. There may come a point the mind just decides it has had enough of all this trying. It just stops out of shear desperation. But this is not something you can really cultivate, so the other options are your better choice.
Fourth, practice for others, not yourself. If you devote your practice to others, you will naturally expect less results for yourself, because you take yourself out of the equation a bit. This is what compassion does also.
It doesn't really matter what way we go, it can be one of the above, a combination or maybe some way I didn't think about (there are many more approaches for sure). But we need to surrender in one way or the other, that's one thing in common to all approaches. We need to surrender, give up, let go. If we practice the path this will come more and more. It goes a bit up and down, with good days and bad. It may take a while, but peace is an unevitable result of honest practice. Today I heard a dhamma talk of a monk who admitted having struggled for many years before realizing that wasn't going to work. A lot of people go through that.
It's ok. No need to be perfect, nobody is. I also have days my meditation is not so great. But it helps to say to myself, "ok that's how it is today, it's fine. Mind, you can be a mess today." Because what else are you going to do? I've seen enough times that fighting it doesn't work, so this is the only option. And it turns out it actually works.
Metta!
So I quote it again because I editted it in later and some people may have missed it.