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How do I take a Buddhist approach to a boss that yells at me?
How do I take a Buddhist approach to a boss that yells at me? Yesterday she made a mistake that was obviously her fault, but she distorted the facts and blammed it on me. She started yelling and trying to make me feel stupid. I start feeling anger, hate, resentment and lowering of my self esteem. I tried to imagine her as a young child so I could see the innate goodness she has, but it's very difficult. Today she is in a better mood, but I still feel very uneasy around her. How do I handle a situation like this without getting caught up in it?
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There is nothing in Buddhism that says we have to shut up in the face of idiocy, we just have to be mindful how we tell an idiot, they're an idiot.
I agree..
I love the books Courageous Conversations and Courageous Confrontations. I find them very compatible with what we do. For a quickie introduction look for their websites and there is some information as well as an email list where they answer questions about how to deal with individual conflicts.
Short term, there are ways to have a conversation with your boss that may not change her personality but can help. The most basic tips are to avoid the use of 'you', No matter how right you are it puts people on the defensive and then they do not work with you often. Have the conversation in private when it is a time that pressure is lower, like not right before a deadline. Be firm and very clear and specific, not make judgements or assumptions.
Here is an example. I had a supervisor who walked all over me in a meeting. I was standing to present my part and she leaned over the table and said everything herself. A few days later I asked to talk to her. I said that during the meeting I was prepared and even standing to present my part. I was chosen to present that part because I was the only one in the room with experience in that (including her). I became very frustrated and embarrassed that while I was standing my entire content was presented. Going forward I wanted to know if I should plan on presenting in our meetings or if we could make a change. She ended up apologizing and actually giving more leadership of the meeting to me and my colleagues.
The first times I tried this it felt HORRIBLE, it seemed more awkward and even mean to state it all so bluntly. The more female traditional way of adding in random "I'm sorry" and sharing a feeling while expecting the other person to guess more was what I was comfortable with. In a buddhist perspective I felt this was best, I was telling the truth, I was not judging her by trying to figure out why she needed control (which would be an assumption), and I was giving the best opportunity to not cause further conflict and defensiveness.
Hope that helps!
:thumbsup:
A very Buddhist approach is to just not give a shit, personally. Let him yell, not like it's physically hurting you. Yelling only harms you as much as you let it.
If you cannot change jobs I really feel for you because it is not an easy situation. I've done it myself and told myself not to take it personally but lets be honest, some days will be better than others.
I found this on the internet and felt it was the Buddhist thing to do to share it with you in hopes that it allevaites some of your suffering.
Survival strategies for whatever period of time someone is stuck with a boss who yells:
•Don't take it personally. It's not about you. Good managers who know how to use authority appropriately don't need to yell; problems don't get under their skin because they have effective tools at their disposal (such as performance counseling and moving out employees who aren't the right fit). Don't let their problems affect your sense of yourself.
•If your boss regularly yells at you, it can be helpful to keep in mind that it's highly likely that that his colleagues know he has a problem and have more sympathy for you than you might realize.
•Consider addressing the problem head-on by talking to your boss about it. Yellers are people with needy egos to protect, so give his ego the padding it needs before you launch into your request. For instance, start off by saying that you really like the job and the work he gives you--and even that you generally like working for him, if you can stomach that--and then say something like: "I really have trouble hearing your feedback when you yell at me. I definitely want constructive criticism, but it's hard for me to take it in when you're yelling." However, while this can actually have an impact with some bosses and I've heard from people who have done it successfully, be prepared for it not to change much; by definition, we're talking about someone who's a jerk.
•Escalate it. Look around your workplace--is there a higher-up who seems open to people going outside the chain of command in order to bring problems to her? Going over your boss's head is always tricky, but if an employee came to me to complain about her boss yelling at her, I'd jump at the chance to address the problem. I'm not the only one. You can also go to HR, of course, depending on your HR department's track record of helping employees in similar situations. Know what you're getting into first though: Is the culture one that seems like it would care about abusive managers?
But really, none of the above will change the fact that that a boss who chronically yells is a jerk and will likely always be a jerk. Your best bet is to start looking at other jobs.
Federica reminds us that having a fall back policy of quietism or activity in an ever changing world has nothing to do with Buddhism's middle way.
JohnG shows how to develope equinimity while Federica shows how to wield it.
A pleasure to see.
If necessary go above this person to see if someone in higher authority may alleviate the situation.
If the situation is intolerable for you, seek new employment.
Only good can come out of showing genuine concern and compassion and staying calm in heated conversations wether your right or wrong.
BTW I was late because of my meditation going over time LOL
With metta _/|\_