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Losing closeness with your family.
DaftChris
Spiritually conflicted. Not of this world. Veteran
Ever since starting college, I feel as if I'm losing the closeness that I once had with my family. I still live with my parents, as does my sister and her five children, but I feel as if we are on different levels.
With my mom it's the worst. Of my parents, she was the one whom I was closest. I was a "mamas boy", so to speak. In 11th grade she told me that I had Aspergers Syndrome, a mild form of autism (even though I don't think I was ever formally diagnosed) and that's when things started to change. It was still good during high school, but after starting college, whenever I have a point to make or wish to join a mature conversation, it seems like she just brushes it off. Also, when I go through "obsessions", she states things like my "autism is acting up" quite casually. It also seems she is living in a fantasy world and not reality. An example being that she is considering buying a bigger house to accommodate my sister and her kids, as well as herself and my dad. She's in debt due to student loans and credit cards. Her current house is fully paid, but still. I feel like I'm growing further apart from her and I don't think she really notices
My relationship with my dad is about the same as it has always been.
I also used to be really close to my sister and used to defend her fiercely whenever anything negative happened. Now due to the situations that caused her to move in with my parents, as well as other things that have happened the past few years, it's come to the point where I don't think I really care anymore. I still love her, but I've grown tired of her BS.
It's gotten to the point where, not only I'm looking for a better paying job to afford rent and be someone's roommate, but when I finish college and move out of my hometown, I don't think I'll really have much contact with my family. Not because I don't love them, but because I think I'm starting to not like them very much.
Any thoughts?
With my mom it's the worst. Of my parents, she was the one whom I was closest. I was a "mamas boy", so to speak. In 11th grade she told me that I had Aspergers Syndrome, a mild form of autism (even though I don't think I was ever formally diagnosed) and that's when things started to change. It was still good during high school, but after starting college, whenever I have a point to make or wish to join a mature conversation, it seems like she just brushes it off. Also, when I go through "obsessions", she states things like my "autism is acting up" quite casually. It also seems she is living in a fantasy world and not reality. An example being that she is considering buying a bigger house to accommodate my sister and her kids, as well as herself and my dad. She's in debt due to student loans and credit cards. Her current house is fully paid, but still. I feel like I'm growing further apart from her and I don't think she really notices
My relationship with my dad is about the same as it has always been.
I also used to be really close to my sister and used to defend her fiercely whenever anything negative happened. Now due to the situations that caused her to move in with my parents, as well as other things that have happened the past few years, it's come to the point where I don't think I really care anymore. I still love her, but I've grown tired of her BS.
It's gotten to the point where, not only I'm looking for a better paying job to afford rent and be someone's roommate, but when I finish college and move out of my hometown, I don't think I'll really have much contact with my family. Not because I don't love them, but because I think I'm starting to not like them very much.
Any thoughts?
0
Comments
It is an unforgiveable offense actually in historical buddhism to turn against your parents. So maybe keep them in some capacity in your life. I think I recall that. The reason is that your mom carried you for 9 months where you were a new born baby with absolutely nothing. Everything you have now is due to the sacrifice of your parents.
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What usually happens is that, in adolescence and young adulthood, you feel as if you are becoming more distant from your parents: you may feel they don't understand you, or are unaware of huge aspects of your life or even aspects of your personality that come out in the presence of others. This is natural and healthy. In the Dhammapada there are these striking lines:
294. Having slain mother (craving), father (self-conceit), two warrior-kings (eternalism and nihilism), and destroyed a country (sense organs and sense objects) together with its treasurer (attachment and lust), ungrieving goes the holy man.
295. Having slain mother, father, two brahman kings (two extreme views), and a tiger as the fifth (the five mental hindrances), ungrieving goes the holy man.
Source: Dhammapada: Pakinnakavagga
In his keen understanding of human psychology, the Buddha saw mother and father as aspects of oneself. We often project onto our family members and friends aspects of our own experience. Perhaps it may help to take time and truly ask yourself: "What am I really losing in this relationship? What am I really becoming more distant from? You may find that what you are really becoming distant from is a connection with your past, or a sense of a shared narrative with your mother or sister. Every relationship has its ebbs and flows. Sometimes they transform into something else entirely. You will never lose what you had in the past, though your mother and sister may change, just as you are inevitably changing. Don't be afraid, though. Chances are, they will not change completely beyond recognition, and you will have a level of connection with them appropriate for this new chapter of your life.