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being around 'unaware'
I have struggled with this, been careful about judgement. In fact I have rarely had judgement in this area (which means I have not had judgement on things like holding staff accountable or family or friends) which is one of those 'middle way' moments. I could move from total non-judgment to a compassionate realistic evaluation.
So being around people who are really unaware, which is more common than not, is difficult. I heard the reminder that being around people who are similar enough to support our practice is important in our sangha (buddhist group or life group). many people we do not choose.
Mostly right now it is my oldest living at home temporarily. She is in la-la land. This is not her recent life experience but pretty much the way she is. So I am having her cook dinner, she has asked about the pan, the ingredients (which I already pointed out), sat for a long time until I said my blood sugar was getting low. Yesterday she said she really wasn't helping around the house because she doesn't know my chores, even after growing up with me and doing chores. The few things she does have to be asked for, given a time limit, frequently a reminder, sigh. I have had staff last year when pointed out logically that you need to plan for Monday the week before if your plan day is Tuesday finally get frustrated and just say they do what they are told. So no real thinking for themselves. I ended up giving them each a notebook to write down what i told them to do so that at least things were done correctly.
I don't know about everyone else. but judgement in a negative sense seems different than just holding someone accountable. We ended our conversation with my daughter saying the teacher quote 'there is no such thing as a stupid question'. My answer is that there stupid questions. Questions that have already been answered but you were not paying attention. Questions that get the other person to just give up and do the task for you. Questions that are not relevant or had any thought put into them.
So being around people who are really unaware, which is more common than not, is difficult. I heard the reminder that being around people who are similar enough to support our practice is important in our sangha (buddhist group or life group). many people we do not choose.
Mostly right now it is my oldest living at home temporarily. She is in la-la land. This is not her recent life experience but pretty much the way she is. So I am having her cook dinner, she has asked about the pan, the ingredients (which I already pointed out), sat for a long time until I said my blood sugar was getting low. Yesterday she said she really wasn't helping around the house because she doesn't know my chores, even after growing up with me and doing chores. The few things she does have to be asked for, given a time limit, frequently a reminder, sigh. I have had staff last year when pointed out logically that you need to plan for Monday the week before if your plan day is Tuesday finally get frustrated and just say they do what they are told. So no real thinking for themselves. I ended up giving them each a notebook to write down what i told them to do so that at least things were done correctly.
I don't know about everyone else. but judgement in a negative sense seems different than just holding someone accountable. We ended our conversation with my daughter saying the teacher quote 'there is no such thing as a stupid question'. My answer is that there stupid questions. Questions that have already been answered but you were not paying attention. Questions that get the other person to just give up and do the task for you. Questions that are not relevant or had any thought put into them.
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Comments
On one hand, I know exactly what you are talking about, and I can relate. On another hand, many of your comments remind me of what I go through with my eldest son (who is 15) but a lot of those things he struggles with are because he has Asperger's. I'm not saying of course that your daughter does, there would be far more going on than the idiosyncracies you mentioned, but it caused me to pause and think that even though she's your daughter, perhaps you don't know all there is to know about why she is how she is. Her "Lala land" might be more complex than it seems.
I do think it's important to have the support of a Sangha, on whatever levels you can get it. But I don't think it's meant to be exclusive to others in your life who are not on the same path as you.
Some days it's really hard, but I have to remind myself that I don't live in the same world that my son lives in, and even though he's on a more extreme scale, I think that is true for everyone. I have to stop making what is important to me, important to him. I try to help him understand the world as it operates, but I focus more on guiding him towards solutions, people, jobs etc that work better for the kind of person he is. Rather than try to get him to do everything how I wish he would, I often have to find new ways to make requests of him, new ways to talk to him, etc and all the people in his life have to do the same. This includes his teachers, his coaches, his family, friends, and his coworkers and boss. He seems to have a magnetism that draws the people he needs, to him, and that is quite helpful. He is blessed to know exactly who he is and to stay true to that, regardless of what the outside world thinks.
I am frequently unaware. ..and when there is awareness.. it isn't reflexive.. it (pardon the online Buddhist cliche) just is, and isn't holding this up against that.
I think there is a way to see that those who struggle and irritate us have similar behaviors that we do, and then also say that we all need to understand the world asks us to do a lot of things.
I ended the dinner thing by saying 'watchign you make dinner takes a lot of work'. She got the hang of it and all the kids have 2 chores before bed and it is better, just a lot of work to get her to do the work of her own life.
Is it possible maybe she is a girl that needs directions in shorter increments? Some people can only manage so much information at a time. I myself am a slow processor. I can take it in, but I cannot respond to it without having a fair amount of time to do so. One of my children can only process requests 2 steps at a time. Beyond 2 steps, he forgets things and does them in the wrong order. Have you asked her to really think about why she does the things she does? Perhaps she is tuning you out, but perhaps there are other reasons that she hasn't even thought of .
In any case it is baby steps and I am just working on my end of it since I know as soon as I feel and therefore express major frustration and anger she tends to shut down.
Part of that I think is because in our society, at least in the US, the ability to multi-task is highly sought after, and considered a great skill. People have such busy lives they can't do just one task at a time or they never get it all done. Considering slowing down is the furthest thing in mind, and if you mention it they look at you like you are completely crazy.
Best thing that ever happened to me, and she got to stop worrying about me.
Some people just have to learn the hard way.