Parents getting in way of Buddhist practices.

LostLight

Hey everyone! I was thinking of posting a topic a week to get to know everyone's backgrounds on this site. To sort of understand the faces behind the beliefs. Let me know if you support the idea, or if it's "stupid".

My parents aren't very versatile in any way. They are exactly the same as they were years ago and years before that. Sometimes they make it hard for me to keep from getting angry. My mom, especially, has absolutely no sense of humor. She would always get frustrated with me for not spending time with her, but it seems that whenever I was with her, she'd get upset with how I talk. Not to toot my own horn, but people tell me that I'm a nice person and they enjoy my company (That makes me all warm inside XD ) . My other family members back me up when my mom gets angry at me around them. My aunt even called my mom "hitler" which everyone else found hilarious at the time. I would be doing amazing in my Buddhist practices, yet randomly my mom would get angry at me for something she did and eventually I would get riled up that she gets even angrier that I disagree with her. She would eventually pout, and I'd be in a bad mood that I have to deal with this endless cycle.

Please don't think I'm an ungrateful bastard, I am thankful for everything they've given me, but personality wise, my parents, especially my mom, have personalities that make it hard to interact with them without getting riled up and losing mindfulness. It's the single biggest obstacle in my buddhist practices. I don't get mad with random strangers or friends like I do with them. Random strangers usually have a better reason to get angry.

Does anyone else have experiences like mine? Feel free to post any thoughts.

Cloud

Yes of course, our relationship to our siblings and parents is different than our relationship to other people. We're used to acting a certain way with them, talking a certain way with them, and our expectation of their expectations (of us) keep us in these trends. It's all too "familiar" for us, no pun intended. To change how we interact with family members is to change how they think of us, who they think we are... and that's very difficult. We don't want to distance ourselves from them, and so we have difficulty.

I'm not sure what the best answer is, but I recognize the problem!

Some people have luck with loving-kindness meditation to expand their compassion and understanding for others (which can include siblings and parents). This is like understanding what a baby is like. If we don't understand that babies will cry, they will wake up at night, they will make a mess, they will not do what we want them to do... we're going to suffer. If we come to understand babies as just like this, it won't upset us so much and we won't react poorly. To relate to the world (and other people) differently, we need to view it differently.

Zero

Does anyone else have experiences like mine?

It's natural - you dont choose your family whereas you do choose your friends and over your lifetime you will change and develop - some friends stay and some come and go - your family however is bolted on forever!!

You just have to make the best of it and try your best to nurture the relationship - there will be areas where you will get on more and areas where you get on less - good luck navigating.

If you had a close bond with your parents growing up, you may find it strained or that you will, together, need to redefine it as your priorities change throughout your life - this is a 2 way street though so try not to beat yourself up if it doesnt work - inherently there is conflict with your parents as you strive to make your way in the world - it is for both of you to find harmony in the natural process.

Cinorjer

This isn't a stupid topic at all. Family stress comes up once in a while. The best Buddhist advice seems to be of the practical sort and varies a bit, but the underlying goal is the same: to distance yourself a bit and give your mind a chance to disengage your emotions.

Emotions make the family. How we learn to handle our family as we grow up is how we handle all the relationships in our lives, from our own marriage to our boss and coworkers to friends. So when it comes to your family, first look at the situation with a clear mind. The emotional problem comes when the reality doesn't meet your expectations or desires. Take your mother. She doesn't sound like a nice person to be around, but she's your mother so you should be able to bond and feel that motherly love! And, a son is supposed to love his mother and cherish her and enjoy being around the woman who gave you birth, so you feel guilty when you want to avoid the old bat. So maybe I'm doing something wrong, or maybe I can do something to get her to change. Is that about right?

Look at the situation with a clear mind. You don't say, but I think you're a guy. Your mother is who she is, a person with her own desires and behavior and expectations for how her son should behave. You can't change that or help that at all. The eternal game of trying to please someone who refuses to be satisfied cannot be won. All you can do is refuse to play the game, do whatever you feel a responsible son should do for a mother, and expect her to be who she is.

Somewhere inside her is the mother you'd love to see, but it's blocked by her defenses and selfish desires. Rarely is it entirely buried. Without the frustration, you might catch a glimpse of her once in a while and be able to cherish that.

Hope this helps.