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How do you love your enemies?
RebeccaS
Veteran
Are there any suttas that pertain to this? Or does anyone have any personal experience with it?
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A good start to this is to pray for the happiness of our enemies, and keep praying. After my Mother disowned me and 9 years passed without us contacting each other, when eventually I made the first contact she used to give me a really tough time. So what I used to do, before the dreaded phone call to her, was to pray for her happiness.
Now I don't think for a moment that my prayer makes her happy, but what it did do was to adjust my psychological attitude towards her, so when she did try to give me a hard time or become argumentative, I didn't react badly back towards her.
So, here's my tip, 'pray for your enemies', but I can think of lots more (such as the benefits of loving our enemies), but don't want to dominate this post and bore everyone!
I like what you're saying about praying for their happiness, but that it doesn't actually change them. I don't want to change them, I want me to change.
Please dominate and bore?
What they might have done yesterday to become the word you give them, 'enemy'.
is but an impermanent idea of what they are, there is no grasping in perfect emptiness.
you can pray for something to happen all you want, if prayer does have an effect it is on the one praying and never what it is they are praying for.
Buddha compared prayers to the futility of people trying to make a huge boulder float up out of a deep pool of water simply by asking it politely.
yea i didnt read ur whole thing until after i typed that, sorry.. DOE!!!
If you have a hard time feeling compassion for them, think of the fact that they used to once be small, helpless babies who had never hurt anyone yet, that they might have experienced some pain or suffering in their lives that made them into unpleasant people, and that they might be experiencing pain right now when they're being unpleasant to you. Most people who treat others badly are not happy themselves, and are suffering in some way.
But by practicing a lot on the neutral people, and then working out towards "lesser enemies," you can gradually build up love or at least compassion for people you see as greater enemies. The mind is just like the body - it needs exercise, warming up, conditioning, etc.
Feeling compassion for your enemies doesn't mean you have to hang out with them, though ideally one could extend compassion so deeply and genuinely that you literally wouldn't feel any difference being in your "enemy's" presence than in the presence of your loved ones.
How to love your enemies?
Similar as your friends.
Somebody said, Buddhist love (metta) is just wishing happiness, but I dont agree. An important part of metta is accepting people as they are, including all their faults and the bits and pieces you don't like. And because nobody is perfect, you can find those bits and pieces in everyone.
If somebody has so little of those pieces that you can not see them, we usually call them best friends, or we marry them, or they are our direct family already. If somebody has many of those pieces or big pieces, we call them our enemy.
But in the end, those pieces are just pieces. If you can accept small pieces, why can't you accept the big ones? First the problem of course is, that many people also can't really accept small faults/mistakes in others AND themselves. They don't like their looks, small parts of their behavior, their mindstates, their whatever. But that's where you have to start.
You have to start small. Practicing metta is like lighting a fire. You start with the small grassy twigs that burn easily before you can put on the big logs. So to love yourself and people close to you is already partly loving your enemies. If you can throw on a big larger sticks, you can also have metta for people and animals neutral to you. You have to build the fire until you can throw on the big logs.
This is the classical way of generating metta. Similar 'build up' strategies exist for compassion and empathetic joy. The key is to always start with things that 'burn' easily. This may even be a pet animal or something.
Hope you can light up your fire to be a very big bonfire!
Metta!
I do however want to express that I think compassion is more than just feelings. To me, real compassion is when you really take an action on behalf of another person in their time of need.
Right now, here in Colorado, we are reeling from the massacre up in Aurora at the movie theater. I hear people say that they have compassion for the shooter. I don't...because I would not do something to actually help the murderer of 12 people, including several children...the person who severely injured many other people...the person who took away from loved ones wives, husbands, lovers, sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, mothers, fathers, dear friends...the person who was so cruel that he also booby-trapped his apartment so that more first responders would die. I do have compassion for the victims. I would actually do something to help them if I knew something practical to do.
Maybe compassion is a little easier for Christians since they can do something -- pray to God. But, to me, for a Buddhist, real compassion is measured when you actively do something for someone who is suffering. Anything short of that may just be making yourself feel good. Talk...and thoughts...are cheap.
That's just my take on the concept of compassion.
Christians say love the sinner, hate the sin, but that doesn't really make much sense to me really. Hate never solved anything.
There's a lot of practical advice here (thank you, everyone) because even as a new Buddhist I believe in prayer - looking for guidance from something greater than myself, the small ego self I'm identified with. I personally don't find that it's counter to my Buddhist beliefs, but I can understand why people feel more comfortable not praying.
However I do agree with @vinlyn that compassion goes beyond feelings, and also that it goes beyond what I can see as loveable about a person. That's just another opinion. I can't help feeling that there's something more to it.
I found this which I thought was interesting http://www.artofdharma.org/archives/jesus-and-bhudda-the-parallel-sayings-love-thy-enemy.html
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/buddharakkhita/wheel365.html
From the zens hopefully not too myopic view & countless scriptures aside,
not differentiating between friend or foe in dealing with people makes this question so much easier. I don't think of this as an active behavioural policy but more as the unavoidable outcome of a meditation practise unfolding in the world . Firstly it plays no favouritism between your needs over others. You still see the various agendas in play but it gives you the equanimity to chose what seems best for everyone. It removes you as the potential dance partner that most adversaries are searching for. It enables you to see that what aggravates you about someone else is usually the same thing that you suffer from and like this forum, it's the opportunity to widen ones heart.
All I know of love (whether for friends or foes) is that it's always been there. Meditation just allows some slippage of the ego's obstructing veil to demonstrate that. The self's concern for itself only experiences love as whatever feeds it. Outside of this little veiled ego world, love, unlimited by self, reigns freely.
That makes the development of love somewhat moot and places the priority on just allowing our lives to be our meditation practise.
I assume that all meditation practises have their variations on this but..
when you are formally sitting and a powerful phenomena arises, how do you face it and what makes this situation really any different from dealing with an "enemy"?
What allows us to think that the difficulties that can arise in formal meditation should be faced any differently in the world?
@Vajraheart once said to me that the turnings of the wheel of Dharma are as inherently empty as everything else I think I begin to see what he means. Of course I could have it ass backwards!
I know what you're saying -- that action is important, and I agree. However, I don't believe compassion is nonexistent simply because we are not physically capable (or choose not to be) helping a specific being. One can definitely take compassionate action, but one can also have compassionate attitudes and sow compassionate seeds. Every act of compassion, in fact, can be traced to multiple seeds of compassion that were sown before that action flowered--whether it was your upbringing, your personal experience which causes you empathy, witnessing another person's compassionated act under similar circumstances...everything is connected. Your desire to actively help the Colorado victims in some way is the flowering of various seeds of compassion that were planted in you. Action is extremely important, but so is attitude and ethic.
I agree wholeheartedly that it is extremely important to take real, direct action whenever possible!
"If I become angry with the wielder
Although I am actually harmed by the stick,
Then since the perpetrator, too, is secondary, being in turn
incited by his hatred.
I should be angry with his hatred instead"
Shatideva, A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Live, V1:41 page 67!
To me, we are more than kin and so I see a bit of myself in everybody and recognize they too have buddha nature. I can no more hate a killer than I could hate somebody for doing something while they were having a nightmare. That doesn't mean I think we should let them continue killing but that we should do what we can to help wake them up.
Even when defending against an attacker, I do not see them as an enemy and can have my compassion for them unmoved. Compassion is not some ideal we need to work on when non-seperation is understood, it is just common sense. If my finger bleeds, I tend to it because it is a part of me in need of healing, not because I feel sorry for it.
"OFFERING THE VICTORY TO OTHERS
We can take this even further. Rather than just observe that others have an equal right to happiness, we can take the next step and actually put our own happiness aside for their sakes. Actually, this method is the only way we will ever achieve true happiness.
Imagine that someone has done me great harm for no apparent reason. How should I handle this situation? Normally, I might take revenge...".
My compassion doesn't motivate me to type it all out; if you want to know the rest, buy the book; Amazon flog it!
@vinlyn, in the case of the Aurora shooter, can you give an example or 2 of what you think would be "true compassion?" I'm curious what you have in mind, as someone else said can you not have compassion for someone unless you can actually do something for them? I can have compassion for the victims, even though I am 1200 miles away and can't physically do anything for them. Likewise I can have compassion for the shooter who I also can do nothing for in any physical sense.
To me, part of having compassion is putting myself in their shoes, victim and shooter, and in doing so I can understand that both are suffering greatly.
Her's a little somethin I found from the Dalai Lama -
Compassion compels us 2 reach out to all living beings, including our so-called enemies, those who upset or hurt us. Irrespective of what they do to you, if you remember that all beings like you are only trying to be happy, you will find it much easier 2 develop compassion towards them.
Cheers
Let me give you 3 levels of compassion, however, that would fit here in this real case:
1. False compassion - "I feel compassion for XXX, blah, blah, blah." As I said earlier, talk is cheap.
2. Moderate compassion -- make a contribution to the defense fund of the mass murderer. Help him "get off". You don't have to be here to do that. You can do it by check. It requires you to make a sacrifice. But to be real, you've got to make the donation significant enough that you really feel it as a sacrifice. And if there doesn't happen to be one for this mass murderer, perhaps you can contribute to the defense fund for other people charged with capital murders...such as David Zimmerman.
3. Heartfelt compassion -- Start visiting murderers or other serious felons in prison. Become their pen pals. Offer to provide them with funds upon their release. Better yet, use your home to act as a sort of halfway house for a few serious felons when they get out of prison until they get back on their feet.
Now you may think that I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not. Go visit a convicted felon in prison. See how that feels. I have. And I will tell you that you feel really dirty walking down that long hallway after being thoroughly searched, and entering the little cubicle where you sit an talk through a phone to a felon for exactly 40 minutes...no more, no less (because you can only enter and leave as a group of visitors). Look around the parking lot. See the razor wire keeping those nice, misunderstood people inside where they can not harm the public anymore. And while the person you're visiting may not be the lowest of the low, look around at the others...and tell me that you're so compassionate that you'd trust them if you were walking down a dark street.
When it comes to compassion, you can talk the talk, or you can walk the walk.
You know, quite a while back when I was still visiting Thailand most summers, I had a flat down off Sukhumvit Soi 65 in Bangkok. Virtually every day when I would walk to the bus station I would have to cross a walkover, and there was a boy -- about the same age as the kids in the middle school back in Virginia where I was an administrator. In America he would have been in school, because from what I could tell the only thing wrong with him was that he had a face very badly disfigured face -- a port-wine stain -- a birthmark in which swollen blood vessels create a reddish-purplish discoloration of the skin, sometimes quite swollen looking. His was the worst I had ever seen because it covered fully one side of his face from his nose to his ear, from his hairline to his chin. In Thailand, most Thai Buddhists consider a handicap like that a result of bad karma. Every day when I would walk over the highway, he'd be there begging, and I'd give him the coins in my pocket. Virtually every day for nearly 7 weeks. On my last day I opened my wallet and gave him Thai currency worth about $18. He was stunned. And I walked away feeling pretty good about myself. Later, however, I got to thinking that what I did was not really very compassionate at all. That was about the same amount of money I spent every week on a music CD back home. I was embarrassed that I had felt so good about myself over what was, in reality, no sacrifice at all.
Prayer helped me develop the intention not to get angry with my Mother, which ultimately helped me amend a negative situation and we were both helped.
And what about compassion because you think you have to; like out of a sense of duty? Is that compassion? I'm off to visit an alkie this morning, out of a sense of duty; I'm out of bed especially early on a Sunday morning to do so. I don't want to, though; I've got the brakes on. I want to lie on in bed.
I feel like I'm destroying any positive karma with regret for having to get up so early, on a Sunday!
And what about the compassion we can do to 'show off' (aren't I such a good person for getting up early on a Sunday morning to go help someone?).
Gotta run...
I don't want to waste my energy on them, so I lock them out. I don't wish bad for them, neither good. I simply don't bother... Why should I? I don't see the point in obsessing about people you don't like, trying to force yourself to like them. Give them way too much space in your life, better reserved for the ones who really mean something to you..
You see, the selfish mind is a tight unhappy one, and a selfless mind is a lighter happier one, and the more we work towards being selfless, the less we will judge others on how they make us feel; therefore we will suffer with less attraction (attachment) and aversion.
That sounds logical enough to me, it's simple enough to understand I think, but it's not easy.
Hence why I agree with you Ficus; in some circumstances, I'm better off avoiding some folk.
206. Good is it to see the Noble Ones; to live with them is ever blissful. One will always be happy by not encountering fools.
207. Indeed, he who moves in the company of fools grieves for longing. Association with fools is ever painful, like partnership with an enemy. But association with the wise is happy, like meeting one's own kinsmen.
208. Therefore, follow the Noble One, who is steadfast, wise, learned, dutiful and devout. One should follow only such a man, who is truly good and discerning, even as the moon follows the path of the stars.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html
In this sutta, Buddha teaches laity on good acquaintances - and a lot of other stuff, which I find more relevant to my life as an average person, compared to lots of other suttas
As for my use of the word enemy... It's just semantics. I wrote that because that was Christ's teaching and that wording has been in my head my whole life. I don't actually have any "enemies" like I'm Spiderman or something
I just meant people I don't like.
I agree with avoiding some people. Absolutely. I don't think compassion is hanging around with people who are mean or dangerous or who drive me up the wall. I don't think compassion is putting yourself at risk to get hurt by someone like that, because that wouldn't be very compassionate towards myself. I wouldn't do it for the same reason I wouldn't jump into a pool of sharks.
I'd still like to learn to love them though. I don't think you can pick and choose who you feel compassion for (though, this may be a start, what @sabre said about small twigs) and I don't think you can decide what is loveable about a person because that's just your perception. I think compassion goes beyond that, somehow.
I also don't think compassion is deluding yourself that all people are nice or good, either. Some people are mean and do awful things. I'm not saying that means there isn't something loveable about them, just that I don't know what it is. And pity isn't compassion, pity is just arrogance.
So we really haven't got a lot to say in that matter. But the same is also true for others. Those you don't like also have these clouds in their mind. Some are totally overwelmed by it even. Those have darker clouds, but the afflictions are still just clouds. And just like clouds in reality, beyond them the sky is clear.
So if you can seperate the clouds from the sky, the afflictions from the person, it makes it a lot easier to have compassion for every being. Even those who you never expected to be able to have compassion towards. It's just their conditioning really, not something they can really do something about.
Of course it is also very helpful to see how afflictions arise in your own mind without having chosen them. This is why from investigating ourselves, we can understand eachother. And this is why wisdom and compassion go hand in hand.
Metta!
And I promise you I have spent time in prisons. Not just any prison, I used to work for the MN Sex Offender Treatment program. I've spent plenty of time amongst violent criminals. We no longer live anywhere near a prison, since we live in the sticks and I no longer work with them. Would I bring someone potentially dangerous to live with my children? Of course not. But on the reality side you can't just invite criminals to live in your home, there are licensing procedures and such that have to be followed. At the point in my life I can return to work, would I consider working in such an environment? Yes, I would. It's why I chose the degree I did in college. But, it's unlikely because of where we live. Most likely I'll end up working for the department of natural resources or something along those lines.
Even though it appears incomprehensible to most of us, every person. Every single person, rides a fine line between completely normal and completely not normal. Every person on the planet is capable of performing horrible, horrible acts. Most of us are lucky enough that circumstances do not present themselves that we carry out those acts. For others, that's not the case.
But that's kind of bridged when I think about things like karma, genetics, other environmental factors, that the mind is of itself unable to tell truth from falsehood... Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I'm just thinking out loud here.
In regard to compassion "because you think you have to"...to me that's not compassion, although it is also not something negative. Sounds like the difference between compassion and responsibility. Fulfilling responsibilities is a good thing, unless we are misguided in what our responsibilities are.
I definitely see what you're saying here.
But I'm not sure we can say that we have no enemies. What about the kid in elementary school that used to beat me up on the playground? The bully in 7th grade that picked on me every single day for no reason? The parent when I was a principal who threatened to kill me? The teacher who threatened to ruin my career? Those people I couldn't avoid...although avoiding some people is very good advice.
Unless one of them like, flipped a switch and now they're hunting me down and searching the globe for me... But I don't think anyone is.
I'm a little freaked out from thinking about this