Too many friends?

LostLight

Being kind to everyone also has a few disadvantages; one of them is making friends. At first I was super happy having so many great people in my life, but here's the thing; I've kept the friends I've always had and continue to add new ones. It becomes very difficult to choose who to spend time with when you have some 30 people to sort through. I feel bad for the ones I make wait, but I'm not sure what to do to give them all the attention they deserve. I like them all, but it really is too many people for me to spend time with. It makes every day difficult when I try to make a decision that I feel is somewhat unfair. Sometimes I wish I was a monk so people could just visit me instead.

OneLifeForm

Being kind to everyone does not have disadvantages.

People pleasing is something that is sometimes mistaken for kindness.

To be kind one does not have to interact with other beings. For example, if I step outside and see a rabbit quietly chewing on some grass. The most kind thing I can do is avoid disturbing it as they tend to be very timid and the last thing I'd want to do is incite fear and have it's heart rate go up and body bound away.

I can simply observe the rabbit and let it all be.


I don't really relate with your predicament though. True friends are rare.

Very rare.

In fact, I have three that I am quite close with but they all live over a thousand miles away and two of them I have little communication with.
It is interesting, in each one of those relationships there is a special unique quality about it that I cannot get from the other two.

Acquaintances are easy to make if one is genuinely a friendly person, even if not sometimes.

how

I've known Buddhist practioners who are just friends to the folks they meet. Friendship just being ones relationship to existance. Time & expectations don't seem to be part of that friendship equation.
A good friend to have for dharma but just about impossible to possess.

LostLight

Thank you both for the responses. I guess I feel like I disappoint some people when I cannot do things with them. I'll have to get out of this guilt trip I keep putting myself in.

Tosh

Lostlight, I'm a sober alcoholic, and sometimes when I'm at a function, when everyone else has been drinking for a while, I get bored and want to leave early. It's not because I want to drink, but when everyone else has been drinking - we're on different wave lengths.

Anyway, part of me says that it would be rude for me to leave early, kind of unfair on all the other guests, so I ask myself, "Do I really think I'm that important that the fun the others are having also depends on my presence?"

Of course, the answer is 'No!', so I leave with a guilt free conscience. Maybe that principle could be used an applied in your situation?

mindatrisk

I understand how you feel. I find it easy to get along with anyone, but I have also been able to somewhat 'switch off' around certain people, such that I am kind and caring, but not giving of myself... if that makes sense. My friends are the people I feel comfortable being vulnerable around - the people who I open myself up to. I don't feel comfortable doing that with everyone, and so whilst I get along with them fine and would support them if they needed help, there is not a personal connection that I am willing to give, and as such I don't consider them friends.

OneLifeForm

An important aspect of all long term friendships I've had was that we could be a part for a long time, months, years, and when we get back together it is like no time passed.

What you are typing about feeling like you are letting them down or not giving them enough.. if they are your friends then they will understand that you have a life that doesn't revolve around them.. and also sounds like there could be some fear there on your end, as in if you arent around them for "x" amount of time then they won't want to be around you anymore or you'll see that they really arent your friends or the people you thought they were..

Most relationships are not without motive nowadays.. people can be quite "self" "centered".

karasti

I agree with OneLifeForm. You can say no and still be kind. Being kind and caring has nothing to do with saying yes when you can't, or shouldn't, say yes. I usually find when I examine those thoughts of feeling guilty for not spending time with so-and-so, that it usually comes down to thinking too highly of myself. As in, I feel bad because I haven't spent time with this person" inevitably leads to "well that person must be wondering why I'm not spending time with them" which of course leads me to think I'm on the mind of that person a lot, when most likely I'm not.

If people are contacting you all the time to ask you to do something, then get them all together. Perhaps they would benefit from having more friends themselves. Tell them "oh hey! I'm going to a BBQ tonight, but you are welcome to come along!" or plan events where multiple friends can come as well.

LostLight

Most relationships are not without motive nowadays.. people can be quite "self" "centered".

My motivation is to bring happiness to as many people as I can. I see now I've been mixing up others' happiness and pleasure.

federica

No, you've been mixing up bringing happiness to people, with being a people-pleaser, because you want to be liked.
This is a major issue I used to "suffer" from, many years ago.
Let go of bringing happiness to others. Just do good things with no motive at all, except to do good things with no motive at all.

how

.

Most relationships are not without motive nowadays.. people can be quite "self" "centered".

My motivation is to bring happiness to as many people as I can. I see now I've been mixing up others' happiness and pleasure.

A fixed behavioural response (even if you think it's a positive one) will not represent skillfull needs. Everything is in constant flux. Sometimes "happy" is not appropriate. Manifesting an open heart and equinimity will allow compassion and love to rule with you just hanging on for the ride.

Ficus_religiosa

I do also make friends very easily. People then write and call for me to go do something with them. Actually I'm a quite private personality and don't want to go partying all the time - I prefer a single beer or cup of coffee with a real friend.
I'm still young and people I know go to night clubs and bars several times a month and have been doing that for years. I tried the night life social life style out for a couple of months three years ago and think that's sufficient.
Since everyone I meet wants me to hang out with them all the time, I often let people down. When I've moved, people really, really want me to come back and have a beer some time. But I don't have the time! I got a ton of new friends as well as my studies and my job...
It sucks letting people down, but I guess there's not a lot to do about it. Hang on to the real friends and make the room you can/want for others, knowing that you already have the ones you need. My real friends I see a couple of times a year, then I have a friend-friend in my class, some close acquaintances and then the rest. Those five or six people are the ones worth investing in.. If the rest turn their backs on you, you really don't need them

Getting friends easily is not about being a pleaser. I for one is not - I only ever please the people I like and trust and know will give something back. But having a nice conversation and cracking a few jokes will make you a friend in no time - that's why it's called being friendly!

LostLight

Thanks again for the continued replies. I myself like socializing but prefer solitude to anything. I like to please most people not because I want to be liked (Not all), but because I don't want other people to think they aren't liked. I became friends with someone who had no friends and kept up the relationship not because I enjoyed our time, but because I didn't want to leave someone in this world to fend for themselves. I knew not helping someone who needed it was cruel, and that's where many of my friendships came from. I lost a lot of popularity in High School because of such choices.

My close friends all agree that I'm being too nice, that I'm going above the call of duty and giving my all when I shouldn't. I'll probably never stop being "too nice", but I must learn to control it wisely so I don't suffer for it. It's just difficult when your instincts tell you to help everyone.

OneLifeForm

Thanks again for the continued replies. I myself like socializing but prefer solitude to anything. I like to please most people not because I want to be liked (Not all), but because I don't want other people to think they aren't liked. I became friends with someone who had no friends and kept up the relationship not because I enjoyed our time, but because I didn't want to leave someone in this world to fend for themselves. I knew not helping someone who needed it was cruel, and that's where many of my friendships came from. I lost a lot of popularity in High School because of such choices.

My close friends all agree that I'm being too nice, that I'm going above the call of duty and giving my all when I shouldn't. I'll probably never stop being "too nice", but I must learn to control it wisely so I don't suffer for it. It's just difficult when your instincts tell you to help everyone.

How do you know if somebody feels like they arent liked?

Do you ask them?

Or do you attempt to shove "happiness" down their throat?

Everyone in this world has to fend for themselves, every being.. how do you know what somebody else needs, if they need to be "helped" or not?

If they ask you for help with something then that would tell you right there but I doubt that ever happened and also doubt that you ever asked if they were in need of help.

A friend of mine says there are a couple steps to helping another being.

1. Asking: Do you need help?

2. (If response is yes): May I help you?

3. (If response is yes) Finally asking: How may I help you?


It sounds like you have some air of "superiority", like you are above these "poor" people and are doling out your "grace".
Spending time with others.. your "friends", when you don't even enjoy it, to "help" them out and lose your "popularity".. what were you doing that kept them alive?
If beings are in that bad of shape to where they cannot survive without your pity party then they should probably be left alone to die.
What you typed is really rather disturbing.

People tried to help you see it in your previous comments but you seem to have failed to see the problem with what you typed in this thread.
This type of behavior is symbolic of someone running around trying to "fix" everyone else so that they don't have to take care of themselves.. people pleasing/care giver type actions are not for anyones benefit.

RebeccaS

I became friends with someone who had no friends and kept up the relationship not because I enjoyed our time, but because I didn't want to leave someone in this world to fend for themselves.

Ouch, I'd hate to be that guy!

You think you have a nice friendship based on mutual respect and trust but really the other person just feels sorry for you and hangs out with you and doesn't even enjoy it? That's gotta hurt.

lamaramadingdong

Can't ever have too many true friends.

TinLanterns

Being kind to everyone also has a few disadvantages; one of them is making friends. At first I was super happy having so many great people in my life, but here's the thing; I've kept the friends I've always had and continue to add new ones. It becomes very difficult to choose who to spend time with when you have some 30 people to sort through. I feel bad for the ones I make wait, but I'm not sure what to do to give them all the attention they deserve. I like them all, but it really is too many people for me to spend time with. It makes every day difficult when I try to make a decision that I feel is somewhat unfair. Sometimes I wish I was a monk so people could just visit me instead.

I dealt with these feelings and situations quite frequently during the first year I practiced Buddhism. Overcoming guilt has always been one of my biggest hurdles. Learning and truly understanding the meaning of "right view" and incorporating it into my daily life has helped greatly. Choosing yourself first will become easier, as with everything - it just takes practice and commitment

Beej

there is a difference between pity and compassion, and that difference is huge. Pity is an utterly useless emotion unless you use it as vehicle to drive yourself towards compassion. Sometimes compassion is actually what @OneLifeForm demonstrated above; sometimes it brutal honesty. Sometimes compassion is doing absolutely nothing at all so someone can experience what they are heading towards, and thereby learning from that experience. But pity? That just usually creates a pity party, which it seems might be the case in @LostLight's, situation. Know what pity is, then abandon it for compassion.

LostLight

You're right...it could be pity. I had almost no friends for a time in my early years and I didn't find it enjoyable. I assumed I was "helping" people because I would have loved company as a kid.
As OneLifeForm said, sometimes it's better to just let the person get what's coming to em.
I will try my best to observe myself thoroughly next time I commit "good acts", and see if they are based upon mere pity. My goal in life was to help as many people as I could, but maybe I've been doing the wrong kind of helping for the most part.

Here's an excerpt from http://halfnotes.wordpress.com/2008/11/07/potent-words-pity-versus-compassion/ on pity vs compassion.

“Pity” is an emotional response based on fear and misunderstanding. We “look down into a pit” and see someone in a condition very different from ourselves. From our vantage point far above them, we can enumerate all the things that separate “us” from “them”. We work to keep “them” at arm’s length, throwing things into the proverbial pit that we think will alleviate the misery down there, but not considering how we might help the person get out. We focus so much on the current condition they’re in that we don’t look at the potential of where they might be. We become so consumed by fear (“Oh, what if that were me—thank God that’s not me—I couldn’t imagine living like that!” that it restricts our response to actions that will preserve our position of power. We think that, if we can maintain that “higher ground,” we’ll somehow insulate ourselves from the possibility of future challenges for ourselves.

I know I'm bad at conveying what I really mean via words, but I'm almost positive my goal was to get these people out of the "holes" they were in, even if my previous statements came out as arrogant and unthoughtful. Nevertheless, I will observe myself to fix the behavior.

still_learning

In terms of Buddhism. Being kind isn't always being compassionate. In Buddhism it is more important to be compassionate (AFAIK). Compassion comes in many forms.

There was a period in my life when I wanted a lot of friends. I was definitely being a people pleaser. I ended up being unappreciated by a group of "friends" whom I wanted approval from. I eventually realized how silly I was acting and remembered another group of friends who treated me much better. I went back to the real friends and became much happier. After that, I no longer had the urge to gain new friends, if it happened organically, then so be it. I'm not saying you're going through the exact same thing, but perhaps you want a lot friends for approval, and that's a selfish thing to do. Sure, you may genuinely want to be friends with these people, but there may be the side-motive of gaining approval that you really don't need.

robot

When people my age were young we did not have the advantage of a forum like this to express our thoughts and and have them criticized.
I was fortunate to have found a mentor, in an older man who was willing to teach me about life and work and point out my failings.
What he said to me about my friends was this. He said "you are lucky to count your friends on one hand".
I said " that's not true. I have dozens of friends."
He replied," most of those guys should be lined up and shot".
Of course I was shocked, because I thought that they were all great guys and girls and we would be friends for life.
In time I saw that he was right, in that many of the people I thought were friends turned out to be nothing more than drinking buddies that were happy to drag me down with them.
Now I can say that I have many friends. But I am more clear about the relationships than I was when I was younger.
I am not friends so that I can help or teach them and they are not looking for that. I don't need any help from them, or if I do, I only impose on the friends that I can count on one hand.
Making friends seems easy when we are young. It's normal for young people to hang out in large groups. I think it is natures way of ensuring that people find mates and the gene pool remains strong.

ozen

I don't have too many friends. Just lucky I guess.

OneLifeForm

“Pity” is an emotional response based on fear and misunderstanding. We “look down into a pit” and see someone in a condition very different from ourselves. From our vantage point far above them, we can enumerate all the things that separate “us” from “them”. We work to keep “them” at arm’s length, throwing things into the proverbial pit that we think will alleviate the misery down there, but not considering how we might help the person get out. We focus so much on the current condition they’re in that we don’t look at the potential of where they might be. We become so consumed by fear (“Oh, what if that were me—thank God that’s not me—I couldn’t imagine living like that!” that it restricts our response to actions that will preserve our position of power. We think that, if we can maintain that “higher ground,” we’ll somehow insulate ourselves from the possibility of future challenges for ourselves.

I know I'm bad at conveying what I really mean via words, but I'm almost positive my goal was to get these people out of the "holes" they were in, even if my previous statements came out as arrogant and unthoughtful. Nevertheless, I will observe myself to fix the behavior.

That excerpt you found seems to explain it really well.

I imagined that your intents for doing what you did were only to help them.
Not that you were consciously thinking that you were better than them or anything or trying to harm them or yourself. Again, that excerpt nails it.

As they say though, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

Pity is definitely something that can be used to transform into compassion and probably wouldn't be that difficult to if you're aware of this stuff.

Ask yourself if you can really even help though if you come across situations where people look like they are really suffering.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is just try to send some loving kindness and compassion their way.
Even the smallest thing like a genuine smile goes a long way, even for the person who seems like the last thing in their list of abilities is to be able to smile back or have any kind of positive thought.
A genuine smile can catch them in that moment and for that moment all delusions can be let go of and their true nature can be touched.
Such a simple thing can be the starting action of so much positive effect.


Don't beat yourself up!

We've made mistakes, we are not mistakes. The mistakes I've made that led to so much hellish suffering in this lifetime alone are why I can experience happiness today.

Take care

LostLight

I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone who participated in this topic and helped me see the light (no username pun intended).
After really thinking about my habits and life choices, I have been guilty of both compassion and a bit of pity. Now I can consciously monitor that my actions are not based on pity, but compassion. It will definitely help me to hopefully never make the same mistake again.

Bunks

No, you've been mixing up bringing happiness to people, with being a people-pleaser, because you want to be liked.
This is a major issue I used to "suffer" from, many years ago.
Let go of bringing happiness to others. Just do good things with no motive at all, except to do good things with no motive at all.

This is an issue that I am working through right now.....I hate to say no to people. I feel guilty as I think they won't like me!

I have a bit of a pushy project manager who is often trying to push me to do stuff. I have had to say no to him a few times and I feel bad doing it but it's good practice for me! I regard him as a spiritual teacher....

Nice to know someone out there has been able to break this habit. I think it has been holding me back to some degree all my life.