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Finding a footing~
ALilyDanced
Explorer
The mind is a strange place.
I dance around with it aplenty all day long. Some days are like a still pond with a few rocks rumbling in, causing small ripples. These days are welcome. Although they are something of an effort lately.
When something jarring in life happens, it's difficult to find my footing sometimes. I look around and keep trying to hold on to something. To grab on to something. This has happened plenty in my short life. What I've come to realize is that there is nothing to grab on to. And this can feel like the light has been shut off in a tomb while you grope around with blind hands and a blind heart.
This can be scary.
From the time I was little, I've never had wholesome attachments with figures in my life. Stunted, broken, empty, abandoned. And all I wanted was something to hold on to. Someone to hold on to. And to find myself alone without my best friend, and not be able to connect easily with others around me was scary every time. But I'm realizing that I need to stop trying to hold on to things. I need to hold myself. No person can satisfy this need in me, this desire. Or any desire. I need to let the darkness settle over me, and embrace its velvet shadows. Relax into it. Stop fighting. Stop clinging. Stop torturing myself. Be alone.
There's no footing. I can't backtrack, and I don't have any idea where the steps forward might take me. There's no rope to hold on to.
And sometimes I stop and take a few steps back. But I know that I'm on the right path somehow, that I'll be okay. Somehow.
I don't know if any of this makes sense.
Oh, and Hi btw. I'm new here.
I dance around with it aplenty all day long. Some days are like a still pond with a few rocks rumbling in, causing small ripples. These days are welcome. Although they are something of an effort lately.
When something jarring in life happens, it's difficult to find my footing sometimes. I look around and keep trying to hold on to something. To grab on to something. This has happened plenty in my short life. What I've come to realize is that there is nothing to grab on to. And this can feel like the light has been shut off in a tomb while you grope around with blind hands and a blind heart.
This can be scary.
From the time I was little, I've never had wholesome attachments with figures in my life. Stunted, broken, empty, abandoned. And all I wanted was something to hold on to. Someone to hold on to. And to find myself alone without my best friend, and not be able to connect easily with others around me was scary every time. But I'm realizing that I need to stop trying to hold on to things. I need to hold myself. No person can satisfy this need in me, this desire. Or any desire. I need to let the darkness settle over me, and embrace its velvet shadows. Relax into it. Stop fighting. Stop clinging. Stop torturing myself. Be alone.
There's no footing. I can't backtrack, and I don't have any idea where the steps forward might take me. There's no rope to hold on to.
And sometimes I stop and take a few steps back. But I know that I'm on the right path somehow, that I'll be okay. Somehow.
I don't know if any of this makes sense.
Oh, and Hi btw. I'm new here.
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Comments
Good words
Many Buddhists deify the mind to it's detriment.
I think that ones mind is just one of many organs and a large part of a meditation practise is learning that the mind's job description need not include a monopoly on command responsibility. Equanimity is not any type of mind, rather it's the experience of the mind as a place of information storage and dissemination and that it never needed to be the sum of who you are.. Here the mind's storm or calm conditions function freely but with those conditions no longer dictating how you interact with existence.
Everyday that you practise in such a way will be a day where you know less than you did the day before
But
in that space will be found an ever widening heart.
I too come from a place of dysfunction and cultivation of neuroses over anything else.
Never really felt comfortable anywhere and just in the recent past I'm realizing where home is and boy is it comfortable compared to the alternative!!
They say "Ultimately we realize that we are our own refuge."
@how : I had to read that twice before getting it all in
I see that to be true.. especially the last sentence you wrote.
Huh? :P
I like that saying.
"Atha Dipa, Ana Sarana, Anana Sarana"
"You are the light, You are the refuge, There is no place to take shelter but yourself"
I like this song that Ghandi used to recite to himself when undertaking his grueling walks across territory in violent dispute between Hindu and Muslim populations. Maybe you, @ALilyDanced, will like it too: by Robindrath Tagore
Walk Alone
"Walk alone. If they answer not thy call, walk alone. If they are afraid and cower mutely against the wall, O thou of evil luck, open thy mind and speak out alone. If they turn away and desert you when crossing the wilderness, O thou of evil luck, trample the thorns under thy tread, and along the blood-soaked track travel alone. If they do not hold up the light when the night is troubled with storm, O thou of evil luck, with the thunder-flame of pain ignite thine own heart and let it burn alone."
You'll find the equations describing gravity locally are dependant on other equations - we only perceive a tiny fraction of the whole picture and the results of our examinations are captured within this narrow focus.
While local laws of gravity hold locally, they break down in the extremeties.
You'll find the concept of an 'ultimate' objectivity somewhat elusive to pin down - anything else is a fictional objectivity created as a best fit.
I don't think there is Ultimate objectivity since we can't actually step outside and observe our Universe.
Here's one for already tired mind - what would you step out into if you stepped out of the universe... (let alone how would you observe it if the laws of this universe are encompassed within this universe)??!!
Depends. Is there a mutiverse? Do I have god like powers?
I'll let the philosophers tackle that one.
I can't seem to sit with these things right now. I keep trying. Usually I enjoy sitting with my thoughts regardless of how crazy...
Sometimes the only issue is the judgement of what we think meditation should or shouldn't be.
The meditation may just be showing you what you've decided is more important than meditation.
If meditation is measured by enjoyment then.....I'm sure you know the rest.