Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
A long absence
Simonthepilgrim
Veteran
It has been a long, hard time since I was last here.
Briefly, I went into hospital for tests as I was still getting angina pain and other physical signs and symptoms. I was also suffering (and inflicting) mood swings and something approaching rage.
After a while, it was clear that the stent had, somehow, slipped. A nasty time was spent on the operating table (no general anaesthetic) but it now appears to be in the right place.
The mood swings were more difficult because they are chemical in nature, triggered by the medication that I take for my IHD (ischaemic heart disease). I was reminded of what Debussy said about the morphine that he took to control the pain of his terminal cancer: he could choose between being pain-free but "at the bottom of the sea", or pain and the possibility of composing.
Writing has always been a great solace to me and the way in which I make some sense of the world, my place in it and that of other people. Not to be able to write, or read (my great escape), has been exquisitely painful BUT ("Everything before the 'but' may be bullshit", Fritz Perls told us) the worst now seems to be past. I have written 10,000 words of a new novel which appears to be pleasing my editor, although, for once, I have no idea what is going to happen. In fact, I don't even really know what IS happening. An interesting exercise.
My dear friends at a nearby convent have been an enormous support, too, providing me with a room and a garden plus a sympathetic person with whom to walk: an elderly nun who appeared unruffled by my raging and weeping, bringing me gently back to my calm centre. In the garden, I spent much of my time teaching the bindweed some manners!
I have read the kind words that you have sent me and this is the first day in over a month that I have felt able to dip my toe back into the cross-currents and rip-tides of the Boards.
Thank you all for your kindness. I have much to catch up on but, above all:
ELOHIM: Please accept me deepest apologies and entire retraction of any suggestion that you indulge in autocracy. You are an example to me of real scholarship and commitment to the words of the Tathagata. The angry outburst of mine was a signal to me that things were really beginning to go wrong.
Briefly, I went into hospital for tests as I was still getting angina pain and other physical signs and symptoms. I was also suffering (and inflicting) mood swings and something approaching rage.
After a while, it was clear that the stent had, somehow, slipped. A nasty time was spent on the operating table (no general anaesthetic) but it now appears to be in the right place.
The mood swings were more difficult because they are chemical in nature, triggered by the medication that I take for my IHD (ischaemic heart disease). I was reminded of what Debussy said about the morphine that he took to control the pain of his terminal cancer: he could choose between being pain-free but "at the bottom of the sea", or pain and the possibility of composing.
Writing has always been a great solace to me and the way in which I make some sense of the world, my place in it and that of other people. Not to be able to write, or read (my great escape), has been exquisitely painful BUT ("Everything before the 'but' may be bullshit", Fritz Perls told us) the worst now seems to be past. I have written 10,000 words of a new novel which appears to be pleasing my editor, although, for once, I have no idea what is going to happen. In fact, I don't even really know what IS happening. An interesting exercise.
My dear friends at a nearby convent have been an enormous support, too, providing me with a room and a garden plus a sympathetic person with whom to walk: an elderly nun who appeared unruffled by my raging and weeping, bringing me gently back to my calm centre. In the garden, I spent much of my time teaching the bindweed some manners!
I have read the kind words that you have sent me and this is the first day in over a month that I have felt able to dip my toe back into the cross-currents and rip-tides of the Boards.
Thank you all for your kindness. I have much to catch up on but, above all:
ELOHIM: Please accept me deepest apologies and entire retraction of any suggestion that you indulge in autocracy. You are an example to me of real scholarship and commitment to the words of the Tathagata. The angry outburst of mine was a signal to me that things were really beginning to go wrong.
0
Comments
It is a credit to both their practise, and to the constant strength of this Buddhist site, that though they might feel down, they are rarely out.... defeat is not a part of the vocabulary, though surrender might be - but it would be in the guise of surrender to the triple gem...
the constant source of strength and solidarity.
I wish all Forum users the foresight, the ability and the resolve, to tap into the remarkable force that is Our Refuge:
The Sangha, and all which that implies - our community of like-minded fellows, who, even though we are individual and unique, form the Whole of all that a Sangha should be.
I am so proud to be a part of this, and to have this sangha as a central, pivotal part of my Life, Here and Now.
Thank you Simon -
Thank you all.
I'm glad to see you back.
Just stay out of that friggin' hospital for awhile, will ya!?!?!?!?!?!
-bf
I'm glad you're beginning to feel yourself again. I'm glad you have multiple sources of support--the convent, the elderly nun, the garden--especially those dang weeds, to help you on your way.
I'm happy to see you back. You're a wonderful voice in this community. I appreciate your musings and I always look forward to your posts.
Keep writing!
Peace to you, Simon.
-bf
LMAO!!
It's so good to have you back, gentle Pilgrim.
What a horrible, trying time you went through and are still going through! On the operating table again! Dam! My father went through a battle with heart failure and while my mother and I were nursing him back to health he had intense mood swings with frightening bouts of rage, weeping and depression. But he didn't go through what you're surviving. You must be incredibly strong, Simon, and thank goodness because we love you very much and need your presence here.
It's so good to hear from you and to hear that you're writing again! How wonderful! And a novel. Oooh! I can't wait until it's published so I can read it. Will you keep us posted?
Warm, gentle hugs to you, Simon.
With great love,
Brigid
-bf
-bf
I have missed your posts, which have so often been a help to me. I hope things improve, and look forward to reading your thoughts again.
Martin.
-bf
We missed you , Simon and it's good to have you back. Sorry to hear you had to have surgery and I hope you continue to feel better!
-bf
-bf
Is it just me, or is everyone and everything in my life going wrong or is falling apart, even as I am convinced that it is not Murphy's Law in the works?
My friends, my hopes, my dreams, myself.
I'm sorry to have to repeat this, but well, life is amazing. It seems like at least for all who are Buddhists, among all my friends, we seem to be coping excellently well still.
Could it be such a chance conditioned event that all of us are in it now, so that as a Sangha of our own we progress together?
Buddhism rocks!!! :rockon:
P.S. Oh anyway I vouch for bf's sa(i)nity.
-bf
Stop it!
You'd better get a couple of drinks in me, Simon.
-bf
There have been times where, during deep, deep conversations, I would/will state my feelings towards her, voicing my love for her in an almost lyrical fashion...
And a couple of times she's replied with... ... "Ditto."
Like Slim Pickens and Mr. Taggert in Blazing Saddles.
Kind of ruins the mood.
-bf
Only a couple....!?
"It takes twooooo baby, it takes twooooo, baby, It takes two -!!"
On an episode of Cheers, Diane and Sam agreed to spend a week apart and come up with a profound statement about their feelings. When Diane finished her long-winded poetry (which turned out to be plagiarized), Sam responds with "Ditto", which was the only thing he could come up with.
The Tao of Sammy!
Welcome Back Simon. Always look forward to reading your posts.
::