Balancing Kindness Towards Self and Others.

BoatS

How do you balance showing kindness for others and kindness for yourself? A lot of times, by being kind to another person you may be in fact being unkind to yourself as that is not exactly what "you" would prefer doing at that moment. The sad thing is, if other people realize this, they may take advantage of your generosity. Is it best to look out for yourself and your own interest first, and then once you are satisfied consider others?

Your opinions,

BoatS

jessie70

Kindness, i think, in most day-to-day cases, is not a zero-sum game. Meaning that in most situations, if someone wins some kindness from you, you don't give anything up. You don't necessarily stand to lose anything.

When giving to someone else would cause you a little discomfort, do it anyway. It's good for you. Think of it as exercise for your personality. I try and do something uncomfortable for someone else one a week, something I want to get credit for but try not to tell anyone. I try and just give without asking anything in return. But it's small- something I can handle. I am hoping to "exercise" my kindness and generosity until I am more comfortable giving more, but for now, these acts are embarrassingly small ;-).

But if doing something specific for someone else would needlessly cause you great pain, or make your feel resentful- it's giving out of balance. That's like running a 10K without training, and can hurt too much to want to do it again. Kindness and self-sacrifice are related, but they are not the same exact thing, either. To me, they are like two different muscles on the same limb.

Kindness itself costs you nothing, or very little. You can use your skills, or creativity to bring others happiness. It is free to open your heart to someone and listen- and almost priceless to them to be heard. All it requires is your time and effort, so always go for it. Self sacrifice is when you have been able to blur the lines between yourself and others and see that more is required of you than is comfortable. That more is required than you want to, or feel able to give- and you give it anyway. If you can give of yourself this way and not focus on praise or thanks, than I think your intention is in light, and your are usually motivated but something bigger, and that might alleviate much of the pain. So it is still not zero-sum!

Another I look at it is, for each situation, try this: Sit and get focused and examine the situation you are grappling with. Blur the lines between yourself and another person, and try and find the words or actions that will generate the most *overall* happiness for all parties. There is often a win-win "thing to do" that I discover. Or at least I can focus on the other's happiness, and what it costs from to get there, and either be OK with it, or choose not to do it without judging myself :-)

taiyaki

Always be kind to oneself.

That will always be a base for others.

How does one be kind to oneself?

Look inward. Look for thoughts, tensions. Now feel with the body the space. If there is no space then look firmly and kindly at the tensions and thoughts. You won't find them, thats good. Now notice the space. Cultivate that space inside you. Whether it is in the heart, the body, or all around you. Such space is your basic goodness/kindness.

From here that becomes your refuge. From here you can share your practice with others.

But is all starts with yourself, inside, now.

BoatS

taiyaki said:

Always be kind to oneself.

That will always be a base for others.

How does one be kind to oneself?

Look inward. Look for thoughts, tensions. Now feel with the body the space. If there is no space then look firmly and kindly at the tensions and thoughts. You won't find them, thats good. Now notice the space. Cultivate that space inside you. Whether it is in the heart, the body, or all around you. Such space is your basic goodness/kindness.

From here that becomes your refuge. From here you can share your practice with others.

But is all starts with yourself, inside, now.

Could you elaborate further on how to be kind to yourself. For example, you mention the body space. What exactly is this? And what do you mean by cultivating the space inside of you (which I believe is the body space). How is that done?

taiyaki

Here ya go. Its a three part video series on the three spaces. This is a dzogchen practice in the bon tradition.

Lotus21

Some of questions we need to ask ourselves as we do good deeds to others.

Does it make us truly happy inside?
What is the frame of mind? Are there any thought such as "I am in a higher, or better position than you are?
Are there any kind of expectations, I mean literally anything, even "Thank You" from doing good deeds?

We can not be this way unless we are in love with ourselves, are in peace with ourselves, and have a slightest notion of who we really are, if not fully realized yet?

Tosh

I'm off to the cinema now. I could be helping someone, but I'm still going to the cinema. I could be doing this with the intention that to be useful to others, I have to look after my own well being too; I need rest and recuperation so that I don't suffer with compassion burn out.

I'm not saying this is my intention for going to the pictures, but it could be. We have to look after ourselves otherwise we're no use to anyone else.

Boddhichitta can be the intention for all our actions; including taking care of ourselves.

(I'm actually going with my family who want to go to the pictures; I don't! )

how

It's a good question.
If you wish kindness to be wisdom based, practise dropping the barriers between self and other. In this place, kindness simply unfolds where ever it's needed unlimited by notions of giving and receiving.