overcoming draining social interactions!

evolve

i work at a coffee place so i deal with customers and i like them but they drain me(or more like i drain myself around them), well most personal social interactions drain me unless i've gotten to know them and they're a friend or if it's something where i'm randomly really comfortable. i feel conflicted because on the inside im happy and cool but i feel like im not energetic or happy seeming enough so i end up putting up some sort of effort like strained smile and facade just to *prove* that im happy with who ever im talking to so that they don't assume i don't care or so that they don't feel like they're being a burden. It's a forced reaction.It's kinda like this
theres some block in between my inner feelings and like how i think others see me so i over-exert myself into trying to reassure them that im cool with them and i end up forcing myself to act happy rather than just be what i already feel. all this constant reassurance i force myself to give to random people in my day is lame, i want to just chill with the happy person i am, but that person comes across like she doesn't care about anyone and doesnt smile or talk, and that bothers me to think id upset others because i hate smiling all the time. so it's either fake it all day and don't upset anyone and become drained, or just be myself and let others think i'm un-caring & that they're being a burden to me. also, customers/work people or whoever say they think im pleasant and shit but in my head im thinking wait, thats not really me, there's a different kind of "pleasant" person under how i'm acting! the problem is that when i'm acting all happy, im not being fake in one way-cause i genuinely want them to feel good! im beginning to wonder if id make myself and others happy if i just don't care what anyone thinks and just be however i am on the inside and outside, but ive gotten into such a habit of living for others in a way that im losin' myself. like this cat

Kangaroo

Sounds like you're in the wrong business. Being pleasant with customers is probably a requirement, if it's such a burden I'd find work where you can be by yourself.

evolve

im sort of in "contract" for a year, thought id try to use this situation i've found myself in to grow from my weaknesses a bit. ahh we'll see but yeah it's comforting at least to know i wont be there forever

Pollyanna83

I can definitely relate to you on this. Do you think it's an issue with caring about what people think about you? If you are happy and an overall caring person, which you seem to be, I think that it will just come out naturally. In customer service I think that it sometimes may feel forced because its repetitive. It seems like you do care about the customers you serve, it's just exhausting to express that all the time.Be yourself. If you are honest and have yours and everyones best intentions in mind, no one will get hurt or upset and you can feel free to be who are you in that moment.

ownerof1000oddsocks

http://sveidt.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-291305760

RebeccaS

You know... It's part of your job to fake it a little bit, I bet you meet plenty of people in your line of work you don't want to smile with at all I guess it kind of comes with the territory, so I wouldn't worry about feeling fake. You're doing you're job and that has to take priority over your emotional state. Behaving in an appropriate way at work isn't being fake, it's being a good employee.

zombiegirl

The employee/customer relationship will always be somewhat strained. Companies typically don't want you to be yourself, they want something of a helpful robot to provide service to customers and make their name look good. So, I mean, can this really be helped? It doesn't have to be draining though... I have a lot of experience with all types of service jobs and one thing I've learned is that we're all just people... trying to get through the day. I've had jobs where the employees acted like the customer was the enemy, but I've never felt that way. No matter how menial the job, you gotta find joy in a job well done. And when that is no longer possible... it's time to move on. I always call it a case of the f**k its. You'll know when there's no hope left, lol.

OneLifeForm

I find museums, art fairs, other large events with lots of people to be extremely exhausting.. doesn't really have to be a lot of people there though.

I went with my mom to some antique stores a little while ago and I was sooo drained.

It's a strange thing.

evolve

that happens to me too. i guess im sensitive to my environments? cause then other places give me a boost. hmm.. who knows!

i've been working in coffee type places for 5 years and, i think it might be becoming a case of the "f**k its" for me! ahhh
and its weird (maybe not weird) that a psychic told me id get tired of working in coffee places, either she put a bee in my bonnet or she saw something?? ahh!!

OneLifeForm

It would be even worse to be in a coffee type job while addicted to caffeine.

My ex g/f worked at a StarBucks and her caffeine consumption increased dramatically. Quite disturbing really.


We are ultimately the ones that allow the bees to bee in our bonnets

It might be the phuckets.. that is likely part of it but everything always is comprised of a multitude of causes and conditions that produce whatever effects.

I guess you should really ask yourself where you are and where you eventually want to bee and weigh the pros and cons of leaving/remaining at that job.


I get a boost going to certain places as well. Like if it is a Buddhist center.. or an art event I'm really excited about.. or a health food store that I frequent. It has to be something that I really feel is something worthwhile or stimulating, not sure, but I know I certainly don't like being at and leaving a place feeling lethargic as hell.

zombiegirl

I used to feel that way about people... large groups of people and the like... And I think sometimes, I still do. I still have a service industry type job (except it's more like service on steroids since I am now responsible for not only getting clients, but keeping them happy... talk about kissing a lot of ass). And sometimes after work, I just want to be someplace quiet with out a lot of people. The bars/restaurants I prefer tend to be the sort that aren't very crowded.

As I've gotten older, I've become a lot more comfortable with myself and my place in this world. I think I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to always look my best, always act my best... but now... I can trip on the sidewalk and genuinely laugh at myself without feeling ashamed. I don't need to wear makeup everywhere I go. These things sort of don't matter to me. It has appeared to me, that once I stopped caring so much about the way others' perceive me, I began to feel a lot more open to others as well. In the typical day to day, I don't have to be so wary of the world, I feel comfortable enough with myself to know how to handle almost every social interaction that comes my way. It's frustrating when you feel like you cannot express yourself, but the root of that is fear. I've spent a lot of time working on being the initiator, not feeling so trapped in my shell. I compliment people, I ask questions, I initiate conversations... these simple and commonplace things used to give me so much anxiety, but I eventually realized that it just doesn't matter. What's the worst case scenario of reaching out to people? Rejection? *shrugs* I don't need anyone else's approval anymore.

At least in my case, the root of the anxiety/stress I felt when dealing with people is actually self-made... it's the thought that they are judging us, that they are not like us, different from us. Metta meditation could help with this.

evolve

holy shit that's exactly how i feel!

Trillion

I used to kind of be like you until a friend of mine who is a psychologist told me that most people interpret neutral behaviour and body language as positive. As long as you’re not giving off any negative vibes (scowling or ranting), and you are being attentive (not looking around or staring at your fingernails) then people will feel that you are interested in them.

Knowing this has stopped me from feeling self-conscious, but I still often have trouble knowing what to say to people and usually resort to stock phrases like “How lovely” and “that’s nice.” It’s hard to really engage in a conversation when you find it uninteresting or are not naturally talkative.

It also helps to remember that they don't want to make you feel bad either. If you met someone who was introverted or shy you probably wouldn't want them to force cheerfulness just to make you feel better, or judge them if they weren't a little ray of sunshine.