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Please help.
Well, about three weeks ago, my girlfriend of three years cheated on me, then left me. I went through a lot of pain, but this isn't what I need help with. First of all, I am 18, and she is 16. We were 15 and 13 when we first got together, though, and it was a long distant relationship.
Back to the problem, though. Right now, she seems to be sabotaging her own life. For example, we both dislike underage drinking and drug use, her much, much more than me. She often said that all underage drinkers and drug users should be taken from their homes and shot.
Well, three weeks after she left me, she took her first drink. I was shocked and disgusted with her. Not necessarily because she drank, but because she turned her back on her principles. I recently found out that the same night, she had sex with the guy. May not sound like a big deal, but we were together for three years, and never made love. She was still a virgin. At least until about a week ago.
I've also learned that she plans on doing the last of the "three things you're not supposed to do" (her words), smoking pot, and then kill herself. I do not believe she will kill herself, but I do think she will smoke pot. I also think that she will regret all of this later on.
She says she has no goals in life, and that it's meaningless. I tried explaining that you create your own goal and, when you loose one, you wait for another to come up, or create one. She wouldn't really listen.
Basically, despite all she's put me through, I still really care for her. I don't want her to purposely screw up her life for whatever reason. I have to do something, I just don't know what. I apologize if I left a few things out or if it doesn't really make sense, but I'm tired. I'd post it tomorrow, but time is a factor.
Back to the problem, though. Right now, she seems to be sabotaging her own life. For example, we both dislike underage drinking and drug use, her much, much more than me. She often said that all underage drinkers and drug users should be taken from their homes and shot.
Well, three weeks after she left me, she took her first drink. I was shocked and disgusted with her. Not necessarily because she drank, but because she turned her back on her principles. I recently found out that the same night, she had sex with the guy. May not sound like a big deal, but we were together for three years, and never made love. She was still a virgin. At least until about a week ago.
I've also learned that she plans on doing the last of the "three things you're not supposed to do" (her words), smoking pot, and then kill herself. I do not believe she will kill herself, but I do think she will smoke pot. I also think that she will regret all of this later on.
She says she has no goals in life, and that it's meaningless. I tried explaining that you create your own goal and, when you loose one, you wait for another to come up, or create one. She wouldn't really listen.
Basically, despite all she's put me through, I still really care for her. I don't want her to purposely screw up her life for whatever reason. I have to do something, I just don't know what. I apologize if I left a few things out or if it doesn't really make sense, but I'm tired. I'd post it tomorrow, but time is a factor.
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Comments
Several people have hit this thread, but haven't responded yet - don't worry - experience tells me that rather than post a response immediately, what folk here do is take a problem away and chew it over...You'll get plenty of responses, so hang in there....
For my part, this is rebellion... I rebelled at sixteen, and I'm sure so did many others...ultimately, from my experience, the more you try to avert or inhibit this "burst of freedom", the more you'll get resistance. She won't thank you, and would also probably accuse you of interfering and meddling....
All you can really do is to stand back and keep a watchful eye from the wings...be there when she falls, and prop her up...You can't live her life for her, and sometimes, folks has to find out the hard way.....
If you are on good terms with them, or get on well with them, tell her parents that you are worried she's falling in with the wrong crowd - but don't give too much away, and betray a 'confidence'..you'll drive her away for good.
Hang in there.
And don't forget to look after yourself, too....
Just my POV...others will come.....
The true warrior conquers not others but themselves...
Are you sure you want to be with someone who advocates violence?
::
Ditto!
CaptBob, I am sure it is so hard for you to watch her do this to herself. Have you tried talking to her at all yet?
1. I love him, shall always be present for him, shall defend and support him.
2. His way of life is different from my own and I respect his right to choose it, with all the nasty bits.
There are still times when I find myself, like an old reflex, getting angry or upset. I particularly hate spending hours in a police cell with him. And, in that time sitting on a thin cushion and leaning against a cold, tiled wall, I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that I could not not be there.
I can see my own prejudices and presuppositions, the mental constructs that underpin my beliefs in what I want to call a 'good' life. My darling boy is a constant challenge to those certainties.
If you love the girl, be there for her, whatever she may have done.
If you don't love her in that particular way, work with your own feelings to free yourself from what reads like a cat's cradle of emotions that can only hold you back.
In either case, remember to breathe!
I know we've yacked a little bit about this.
Honestly... I don't think there is anything you can do. As I've said before on these forums (and from remembering my own time as a youth) the teenage years have a lot of angst. A lot of us felt that we were the only ones dealing with the issues of trying to come into our own, the blast of hormones that start flooding through our bodies, the changes, etc. - but we're not.
Teenage years are very tough because of all the changes, societal demands, peers, and just trying to go from "childhood" to "adulthood" - there is a lot of stuff that you're dealing with.
This is my view and I could be wrong as wrong can be - so take it with a grain of salt...
So she drank. Big deal. It's something that people do.
So she might smoke pot. People do that too.
And lastly... and you know I'm not belittling what you experienced (or didn't) with her - so she had sex. People do that.
Drinking, smoking, sex - these are all experiences that young adults go through. It happens all the time. These are some of the last taboo's that remove us from our childhood on the road to becoming an adult. Sometimes we engage in these activities because of our desire to experience what adults do - sometimes it's just rebellion.
I would think the best thing you could do - if you so desire - is to just support her. Don't support actions that you don't care for - but help her realize that even though she's done these things - she is still her. She's still the same person. Don't condemn - but support her. Even tell her, every once in awhile, how you feel about her - that you still care what happens to her.
Berating her for what she is doing will (IMHO) only cause her to doubt more, possibly have more lack of self-respect, rebellion, etc.
Be there. Support her. Let her know she's not alone and there are people that care for her as a person much more than just a romp on a mattress.
-bf
Love and hugs to you and your friend,
Kim
I don't want to be with her, though. There are a few other reasons, too. For example, the only thing we really had in common was that we loved each other. Of course part of me does want her back, or more specifically, wants love back, but I know I'll eventually be better off with someone else. The thing is that I can't stop caring about her.
The thing is that she doesn't really have any parents. She lives with her mother (a racist mentally, and sometimes physically, abusive person who was addicted to heroine for quite a while, but is supposedly clean now) and her grandmother, who is also not a very nice person. The closest way to describe her is the mother from Everybody Loves Raymond, but much, much worse. She only sees her father once every week or so, so he's not really in any position to watch over her.
That's why I'm especially worried. She basically has no parents.
I know that, but she was adamantly against them and seems to be rushing into things because, in her words, she hates her life. She also said that she wants to smoke pot so she will really hate herself, that way she can kill herself. Her exact words... "My goal is to committ suicide. After I do that (smoking pot) I will really hate myself and then I can do it." I don't think she will kill herself even if she plans on it, but I do think she will hate herself even more than she already does. I think this situation is deeper that normal teen angst, it's just adding to it.
The only thing I can think to do that might help would be trying to talk her into living with her dad and maybe seeing a therapist.
Palzang
You've said that you don't think she'll commit suicide and I understand why you may feel that way. But I think all threats of suicide need to be taken seriously, even if you don't think she'll go ahead with it. The reason they should be taken seriously is because we can never know for sure what's going on in the mind and life of another person. Another reason to take threats like this seriously is because this girl is screaming for help. Even if she really has no intention of actually committing suicide she's telling you in no uncertain terms that's she desperately needs help, that the situation in her eyes is dire. We risk catastrophic results when we don't act on threats of this nature.
If I were in your position, not only would I tell her mother and grandmother that she has threatened this, but I'd also tell her father and if that still wasn't enough to get this girl some help I'd go to a counselor, teacher, pastor, minister, police officer or call a suicide hot line to find out what to do. I know this may sound alarmist but the risk is too great. You can't do anything for her other than finding a professional who knows how to deal with these issues. Period. So get the word out and the burden lifted from your young shoulders. This is a load you don't have the responsibility or experience to bear.
Brigid
I also talked to her about living with her dad. She said she probably should, but she only has one more year of school, so she doesn't think it matters. Without going into details, I'll just say that she lives in a very, very bad living environment that anyone in their right mind would leave right away if they had the chance. It's not even that big of a move, her dad lives two or three blocks away I think.
By the way, thanks, everyone, for your advice.
No, I wouldn't wait to see if she's still suicidal to tell her father. I would find him and tell him right away. Someone needs to step up for this girl and I hope her father can but her reluctance to go and live with him may mean something. The point is to tell someone who will be able to do something about it. If after speaking to her father you feel that nothing's being done I would contact a counselor or teacher at her school. It doesn't matter how dramatic she's being or not being, the important thing is that she's threatened to commit suicide. This needs professional intervention right now. Please trust me. By telling you this she's secretly hoping you will set the ball in motion to get her help. You can't counsel her yourself, no matter how well you know her. You simply don't have the training. But if all else fails there will be someone at her school who will have that training.
What about your own parents? Can you go to them with this?