Emotions

amandathetexan

So, my husband and I were having a debate, and I'm curious what other people believe on the issue.

Do you think we can choose whether or not to feel an emotion, or that we can only choose how we respond to it?

Example - looking at a photo of a dead friend, you can either a) choose to feel sad or choose to deny the emotion of sadness, or b) feel, without any conscious choice, sadness, but can choose how you react to that emotion (such as cry, reminisce, etc).

ThailandTom

I would suggest there are not only 'a' and 'b' to choose from..

amandathetexan

What options do you see?

RebeccaS

I just realized none of this really made any sense I'll try again later

ThailandTom

I see an opportunity to feel happy rather than sad. On how you react to the emotion, whatever it may be however I think comes down to the person. One person may see the photo and then fall into the past and relive the memories of that person, and another person may see the photo for what it really is.

jessie70

I think our minds *are* conditioned to some extent, but that practice can help see that as it is happening for what it is, clear it out and choose a response from a broader view.

amandathetexan

Hmm... my question may have been too vague. I mean like the gut feelings we all get. Not that everyone will feel a certain way with a certain stimulus.

I have a note from a dear friend who died last year, and when I see it, emotions come up. Not always the same ones. Most people have some situation where they will see/hear/smell/whatever something and it will illicit an emotion. Look at a beautiful painting, hear a certain song, whatever brings up some emotion in you. Is that emotion a choice?

My husband believes that he can look at the note and have the option: "Feel sad, accept or deny" and if he chooses deny, he won't feel it and won't have felt it. This makes absolutely no sense to me and my belief that you can't choose whether or not to feel an emotion (that it's kind of psychotic to be able to turn it on or off, accept or deny), and so I want to know what others think.

RebeccaS

Doesn't he have to first have acknowledged it in order to deny it?

You couldn't deny the existence of aliens if you'd never heard about aliens before

The option to deny it can only become available after you've already been made aware of it which, in the case of emotions, means feeling it first.

amandathetexan

@RebeccaS - I thought your point made sense - we discussed problems like depression and anxiety, and that was a big difference between us. He, and I'm sure many other people do as well, thinks that a person can choose to not feel anxious, to not feel sad. Which seems to me like he must think I'm the psychopath for deciding to subject myself to anxiety

Both of us see it as a one or the other, so I'm interested to see if there is some grey area that can be found.

amandathetexan

@RebeccaS, that's what I thought, too. But he's firm that the emotion presented is due to emotions felt before, and we didn't really get anywhere when the 'first time' an emotion comes up. So it's like "I usually get sad when I see this, do I want to feel sad now?"

Cloud

@amandathetexan, Whether a feeling arises or not isn't within our control. Feelings are dependently arisen phenomena that arise of their own accord due to conditions. Buddhism isn't about suppressing feelings; even Buddhas "feel". The difference is in the mental response to that feeling. The more we attach to it, the more we suffer. A Buddha simply acknowledges the feeling and lets it go.

You can't choose to not feel sad, but you can choose to rise above the sadness, not associating with it. Continue on in your life acknowledging there's a feeling of sadness, but not taking it to the "I am" sad extreme. It's not what you are, it's just a feeling that you'll either attach to or not. This can be difficult to do, which is why there's this Noble Eightfold Path and meditation that Buddhists use to see things more clearly and establish "mindfulness" of their mental states (which means better control of mental reactions also).

ThailandTom

We are all human so of course some form of emotion or emotions will arise, how you deal with them is what matters. So I would say you have a choice to cling or to let go. Being in denial is clinging without thinking.

RebeccaS

It's so complex!

Ultimately, I think we get lumped with emotions, and we either have helpful coping mechanisms or unhelpful ones. The helpful ones help release the emotion and the unhelpful ones try to redirect it or repress it.

So choosing a reaction? I'm not sure, our reactions tend to be conditioned until we learn new, more effective coping mechanisms, which does involve a choice - use the new coping mechanism or the old one.

But the emotion itself? I reckon that comes first, how you deal with it is another ball game entirely

jessie70

Agree with @cloud - I don't think the goal is to "accept' or "deny" emotions. The goal is to be able to sit with it, examine it, see where it comes from... I try and view difficult emotions as rude visitors with something important to say. But the visitors are in disguise, the rudeness is even part of the disguise, and I have to sit and have tea with them to hear their message. Once they have unraveled some part of the mystery for me, they will most likely want to go on their own, having completed their "mission".
It has been like that with some tough emotions.

When you feel safe to do so, and have the evening, take out your friend's note, and make some tea. Bring two tea-cups, one for you, and one for "whoever" else shows up. Sit with the emotions and just describe them to yourself: "tightness in chest, pounding temple...breathing...crying" whatever comes up, you will be OK. We were designed to handle this and more. You cared deeply for your friend and that is gift to your life. This is also a gift, because when you can sit with these emotions, and learn to be with them, you will grow, and you will realize how much your friend means to you, how much was added to your life.

Zero

amandathetexan said:

Do you think we can choose whether or not to feel an emotion, or that we can only choose how we respond to it?

It seems the only way to recognise an emotion is to 'feel' it.

To me, they sound like the same proposition - 'feel' is to 'respond'?

pegembara

Do you think we can choose whether or not to feel an emotion, or that we can only choose how we respond to it?

Example - looking at a photo of a dead friend, you can either a) choose to feel sad or choose to deny the emotion of sadness, or b) feel, without any conscious choice, sadness, but can choose how you react to that emotion (such as cry, reminisce, etc).

Feelings and perceptions are not under our control. Emotions are triggered automatically; we have no ability to choose how we react. Emotions arise and pass.

The only "choice" we have is whether to hold on to them or not.

TreeLuvr87

amandathetexan said:

My husband believes that he can look at the note and have the option: "Feel sad, accept or deny" and if he chooses deny, he won't feel it and won't have felt it. This makes absolutely no sense to me and my belief that you can't choose whether or not to feel an emotion (that it's kind of psychotic to be able to turn it on or off, accept or deny), and so I want to know what others think.

Perhaps there will be a time when I can acknowledge every emotion before I actually feel it, but in my personal experience, this would just be ignoring the emotion or pushing it away from my awareness. Of course it usually pops up later.

For me it's more like this:
Stimulus occurs
FREAK OUT - OH NO WHAT IS THIS?!?! Oh... it's sadness.
Hey sadness. Accept and identify, or accept and do not identify?
I have to accept the sadness either way. It's already here. I do not know about this place your husband talks about where he can catch it before it's truly "arrived."
I can either identify with the sadness (which usually results in depression, anger, or feeling like I have to DO something to FIX it) or do not identify with the sadness. When I don't identify with the sadness, it's still there, I still feel it, and I offer it love and attention for a brief period. I try to watch it to see how it changes over a few minutes.