Insecurity/perfectionism affecting relationships?

pyramidsong

Hey all, not sure what section this should go in.

I've just started seeing someone (she's lovely and things are bubbling along nicely) but I can't overcome my insecurities enough to enjoy it fully. Basically I have a few physical imperfections that I can't stop focusing on, even though I'm told by many that I'm an attractive woman. Last night, after we had held hands, and kissed, and said sweet things to each other, she told me she really likes a particular physical feature of mine (I hadn't brought it up), one I actually perceive as a flaw/imperfection and can't stand and had planned at some point to have cosmetic work on.

Instead of accepting the compliment, enjoying that she likes my quirks and moving on like a more secure person would have done, I spent the drive home feeling like crap (whereas she tells me she'd spent her trip home smiling because she'd had such a lovely time) because she'd noticed it, and then talking myself out of even believing it was a sincere compliment ("she thinks it's ugly and is just trying to make me feel better" etc).

Writing this out, I can see there are a lot of problems in my mindset. Focusing on the physical (my own- I don't care about her flaws, they don't bother me in the least), not trusting the other person, magnifying the negative while discounting the positive, making value judgments of things as negative or positive in the first place...and so on...

I have done this so many times, run away from intimacy because I'm such a perfectionist with myself I can't bear the thought of just being comfortable, I have to maintain some facade of near-perfection which I know is unsustainable. I don't want to sabotage this, I like her a lot and I know regardless of who I'm with this is a pattern I will keep repeating if I don't do something about it.

Thoughts?

taiyaki

Thoughts are not yours.

You don't own them. They arise based on conditions.

A flaw isn't yours. The perception of a flaw also depends on conditions.

The flaw isn't really a flaw because another can view it differently.

Other than what you spin, what you interpret, project, input there is no true, objective story.

Thus realize that all stories are not yours. You don't own them they arise due to certain conditions.

Then you can be more creative with them. You can choose the narratives that suit you and then start to recondition yourself towards ideas and response that benefit you.

But remember they are not yours, which gives more freedom, more flexibility.

Ultimately speaking thoughts have no reality other than the reality we give to thoughts. A thought is just a thought. A sound or a vision appearing. Just let it all be, set it all down. Relax and recognize that nothing needs to be changed as everything is changing with or without you.

Best wishes.

fivebells

Cultivate metta for yourself.

zombiegirl

You just have to accept it. Different strokes for different folks, you know?

I hate my nose. It's large and I hate seeing myself in profile. My girlfriend, however, loves large noses. I didn't believe her at first either, but after 5 years, I can honestly say that most of the women she points out as "attractive" have large noses, so I've just learned to accept it.

And on the flip side, I love my girlfriend's freckles, but she hates them. Don't try to figure it out. You just have to accept that what we find attractive is a very personal and subjective thing. What society tells us is "perfect" is not always what people want.

As I've heard it said, stop comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides. Nobody's perfect. Everyone's got some sort of weird baggage and stuff they hate about themselves that other people rarely notice. And the funny thing is, we're all too caught up in our own garbage to even notice other people's issues. In a group photo, everyone's eyes always search for their own image first. So relax, you're totally normal, and in fact, it's the imperfections that make you so.

Some of mine and my girlfriend's best laughs come from when one of us has messed up royally.

Rodrigo

fivebells said:

Cultivate metta for yourself.

And remember everyone is insecure. Don't try to overcome insecurities, just try not to let them stop you from doing what you want.

TreeLuvr87

Try to look into the nature of the perfectionist thoughts; seeing where they originate can sometimes help us see more clearly that they are not valid or relevant. I struggle with a lot of physical perfectionist issues, too.
Try to find some gratitude for the compliment and that you're interacting with someone who can see beauty in a place where others may see flaw. She sounds like a pretty awesome girl.
A book that helped me move through a lot of my destructive self-chatter is Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It's just amazing. She taught me that I was moving through life in a "trance of unworthiness," and I see this trance everywhere now in other folks.

Love yourself!

Beej

i am always more attracted to women with what you would call, "physical imperfections"- i am hardly attracted to what many would call,"classic beauty"- symmetry is a evolutionary adaptation that aids a being in targeted movement, but not much else. but assymetry is a jazz riff, a picasso painting, and free form dancing... embrace your "imperfections" and revel in the fact that someone else embraces them, as well. it takes courage to find beauty in the unconventional. you may have just found yourself a brilliant, courageous, creative partner worth getting to know. for beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

footiam

pyramidsong said:

she told me she really likes a particular physical feature of mine (I hadn't brought it up), one I actually perceive as a flaw/imperfection and can't stand and had planned at some point to have cosmetic work on.

Instead of accepting the compliment, enjoying that she likes my quirks and moving on like a more secure person would have done, I spent the drive home feeling like crap (whereas she tells me she'd spent her trip home smiling because she'd had such a lovely time) because she'd noticed it, and then talking myself out of even believing it was a sincere compliment ("she thinks it's ugly and is just trying to make me feel better" etc).



Thoughts?

I think when it's a compliment, you have to believe it.