Question for the ladies

kashi

So this might be a bit of an odd question but I would like to know your views.

I have been struggling for over 2 years now with being OK about being single. Ever since my fiance now ex broke up with me after a 5 year relationship Ive been using 2 different dating sites but to no avail. I go through phases that go something like this:
Try with all my effort to contact and start communications with those I might be interested in.....90% of the time am ignored all together....try again a few more times...start talking to someone who shows a lot of interest back.....after a week or less they stop talking to me....I want to give up.....I simply dont care anymore and am happy being single....I realize that I still want to be in a loving relationship and try agian.....rinse and repeat.

Now whats interesting is the reason most of these rejections I get at least the number 1 answer is "I just cant dig long hair on guys".

So Over these few years I come to realize that It would work better for me if I were to try to find someone who is more like minded. Buddhism is my favorite "topic" and so I figure it might be a better relationship if I found a buddhist to date. Ive been more drawn to artsy free spirited hippie, buddhist like females, and In my mind I think "maybe they would be more likely to date a guy with long hair?"

The biggest problem is that I have done a search for buddhists in the "faith" catagory on these sites but most live way to far away.

So, who here likes guys with long hair? or does it not matter much?

By the way I have also tried a few buddhist dating sites and its always the same problem in terms of distance. And the reason I do online is that I work nights and going out to meet people in the real world is difficult on top of the fact I am very shy and I also met my ex online.....but one reason she left me was because I conformed to buddhism and she had strong christian up bringing.

Im not trying to use this site to date anyone as I know thats not its purpose, but it would be kind of cool if it did work out that way. Anybody from va and about 25 to 33? lol

Please fogive all my ramblings. Any advice and point of view would be appreciated.

Dakini

have you tried www.dharmamatch.com ?

You might have to learn to overcome the shyness, and try talking to people in person. Personal growth may need to occur, in order to solve your problem.

Daytime is the best time to meet people. You can meet people while standing in line in the grocery store or the coffeeshop, at the bookstore, at the gym, at meetup groups, in weekend sports leagues or hiking groups, volunteering (men are advised that volunteering for animal shelters can carry a big pay-off, or for local/regional parks), participating in political or enviro action groups, yoga classes, the possibilities are endless. Oh, and don't overlook--dharma centers!

To overcome shyness, begin chatting with anyone who crosses your path during the day; young, old, male, female. Just light, casual chit-chat, being neighborly. When this becomes second-nature, you can do the same with women your age. Talk to them whether you're interested in them or not, just get comfortable with it. One guy met a nice woman with whom he ended up having a relationship by asking her which brand of yogurt she'd recommend in the yogurt aisle of the grocery store. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The best option for shy people is to join groups that meet regularly, so the people in the group can get to know you naturally. If there's someone there you develop and interest in, it's a lot easier to ask them to join you for coffee afterwards if a rapport has already developed.

Good luck. Be open to new experiences.

karasti

If you find it difficult to find a date, you are likely to find it that much more difficult to keep a relationship going if you will be working nights for the forseeable future. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer, it's just very difficult on relationships, especially new ones, it you can never see each other because of scheduling. Shortly before my husband and I got married, I accepted a promotion that required me to work 8:30pm to 5am. He worked 7:30am to 5pm. I took it with the understanding that as I gained seniority I could get a better schedule. It was so difficult on our relationship (and we'd been together for about 5 years then and lived together) that I quit the job entirely after 6 months. I just couldn't do it. I'd go to work and cry because I wanted to be with my family. My husband raised our children in the evening and a daycare raised them during the day so I could sleep. It just didn't work. Now, there are women who work nights, too, but it seems to take a different kind of person (in my experience) for someone to regularly work overnight shifts. Not a single person I knew who worked nights, was in a relationship. And we had 20+ people on our overnight shift. The ones that tried, inevitably ended up quitting for the same reasons I did.

I think as far as the hair, that's one risk you take when you try to find dates online only. I know it's easier, and quicker, but the only thing they have to judge whether you seem to be good dating material is text and online pictures, neither of which convey your true nature. Even a quick interaction at a coffee shop displays more of who you are than a novel online.

how

If long hair is the reason for not connecting with the women you like, why not cut it off.
Is your present hair length more important to you than this relationship you are hoping for? I could get why you might not want to be in a relationship with someone who judges you on hair length but it sounds like you too might have a lot invested in your own hair appearance.
A relationship between two different people is a negotiation of compromises. Are you sure you're really ready for that?

Two small personal observations that have helped me move in relationships from short term to my present 18yr one.

A good relationship is where both people try to make the other the best success they can be.
From day one, be fearless in allowing what is internal to manifest externally so she always can see the truth of you.

robot

You should be asking the guys what works.
Out where i live there has always been a real mix of "hippie types" and what you might call small town redneck types and everything in between.
When talking about the dating possibilities some years back, an old friend of mine said something to the effect of " you need to put on your boots or beads, depending".
A young person who is a free spirited, hippie type can get quite straight and serious as time goes by, with motherhood, or career or whatever.
Try cutting your hair. See if that helps. If not, grow it back. Sadly, that choice is gone for me. The women will have to agree to settle for very short hair with lots missing.

DaltheJigsaw

I have long hair, and ladies seem to love it. However, I am cutting it soon, as I am going into the "real world." HAHA! I say keep looking and as others mentioned, go out and meet someone in person. While the internet is a great way to meet the opposite sex, it does not beat actual human contact. I suggest starting with your hobbies and finding a group that relates to your hobbies. Good Luck!

Dakini

LeonBasin said:

I have long hair, and ladies seem to love it.

The ladies love long hair, if it's thick and healthy. :thumbsup: OP, you could try a compromise, and cut it shorter, but still below the ears, get a good stylist. Then you can grow it back out quickly enough, if you want. Try an experiment and have a good photo taken with the shorter, styled hair. See if your responses improve.

I've heard online dating is really difficult for men, anyway, especially in the 20-something age group. I think your chances are better trying to meet people offline.

poptart

I'm no expert, but here are some thoughts.

The trouble with "looking for love" is you never find it.
Like a fish in the sea looking for water, you can't see it because it's all around you.

What hobbies do you have? What really interests you and makes you feel passionate? Get involved in that and your passion for it will attract like minded people, male and female. Learning to love yourself generates love in others and is the secret of attraction. Is your hair long because you like it that way or because you can't be bothered with your appearance? Scruffiness and a lack of care about how you look would put people off because it suggests you don't like yourself much and if you don't like yourself why should anyone else like you?
You feel shy and awkward. Welcome to the club. More people than you think feel this way, and that's why communication is so difficult. Instead of focussing on your own awkward feelings, why not worry about how the other person is feeling and try to make them feel better? Even if it's just a smile or a friendly compliment it could make all the difference.

Zero

@kashi - I'm not a woman but a few others have commented so I'll put in my 2 cents worth from a man's POV.

You may have more success with sites like e-harmony that seek to pair like-minded people.

I've had long shoulder length hair and a shaved head - I've personally had more interest from women when I've had short hair - I was however younger when I had long hair and suspect that my being juvenile had more effect than the length of my hair.

You should play to your strengths and be really honest about who you are and what you want - then go for it.

That said - long hair on a man beyond a certain age is, I am told, not the most attractive feature.

Go to the gym and work out effectively - it takes a year or so of solid graft afterwhich you will notice womens' hands finding their way around your body... not saying it will help to find your life partner but it probably won't hurt and it may help your confidence.

ecdrewello1

I personally like long hair on guys, I just don't see too many who wear the style. If the hair is thick and in good condition and well groomed, then that's good. If it's the greasy trailer mullet style... then not so much. lol

I don't think I'd be able to date a serious hard-core Christian again, I've come to far away from that life and the dharma's where my heart is. I don't believe in being overly picky about who I date, but I think it's reasonable to want to have some things in common.

Jeffrey

Personally, I don't think you should change your hair. You want it that way so why should you change?

But if you think it will help getting a date, then go for it. Go full force and just do what it is that you want to.

Lee82

I have always considered myself to be a shy and reserved person. I speak little in public unless I need to. People would probably speak of me as a sponge, I absorb information, take it all in and process it in my mind, using it to my advantage at a later time. That's the sort of person I am, or was. More recently, for the first time in my life I have stopped thinking of myself as shy. I too have been 'on the look out' for a new relationship and am starting to come out of my shell. I don't know if it is Buddhism that has taught me not to worry so much about embarrasing myself or made me feel more confident in myself but somehow I am different.

Only this week I was chatting to a girl serving me coffee, I ended up with her number and we chatted for a couple of days before deciding we weren't really all that compatible. But the confidence boost just having made that step was amazing. If a chance presents itself to strike up a conversation you have to take it, you really do have nothing to lose, life is too short to wonder what might have been and regret is not the Buddhist way.

I too have been on a free dating site for a couple of weeks and despite there being a whole bunch of strange people there I have gotten in to conversation with a few 'normal' girls and one particular this evening sounds like a really nice girl and we're going to talk again tomorrow. Be yourself, have confidence in yourself, you are who you are and there is no point in trying to be someone else. Self confidence and self respect are attractive traits in both men and women. The more conversations you have the more likely you are to have a relationship that will develop beyond hello, it's simple statistics.

As for the long hair, I couldn't possibly comment on what girls might or might not see in it.

BhikkhuJayasara

in all honesty it's always better just to be you and be confident in being you, which may take some time.. it's not the hair or the axe body spray that matters.. its the confidence.

also I totally concur with the whole " it comes when you are not looking" thing.. that has been my experience in the past. work on being friends with yourself and developing that confidence that you can be by yourself and don't need anyone. This makes for a much better relationship when two people are like this.

I am ironically im in the best shape of my life and the best looking I've ever been in my life.. but I love my single life, not having to worry about anyone but myself, doing what I want when I want etc.. and well also I'm most likely becoming a monk LOL.. so no use looking for anything now.

sova

hey kashi, do you have any friends you know that are looking for relationships? putting a nice word in on behalf of a friend goes a long long way.

you know what they say 'round these parts, what goes around comes around