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For anyone dealing with envy (mainly with relationships)
Sometimes when I feel that I have a problem with a girl I like to type up my thoughts and find out exactly what the cause of the problem was so that I can list out ways to solve it for myself. I'm putting this list on here just in case someone stumbles upon it and needs help or advice with a relationship- in this case, my problem was that i was resisting that the girl I had feelings for wanted to remain 'just friends' rather than be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me, so here's what I came up with for myself, which can probably be applied to other problems as well.
Okay
So the problem is/was envy
And the solution to this is the following
1. Recognize that you and her and everyone else are equal and have equal rights to happiness, your right to happiness is no greater than her's and frankly, her reasons for not wanting a relationship are better than your greedy reasons for wanting one. Straight up, you can be there for her without being in a relationship with her.
2. Her loving someone else does not diminish her love for you, only your reaction to her loving someone else will diminish that. If you continue to stand by her regardless of her decisions, she will continue to be a big part of your life for the rest of your life and you will NOT regret that.
3. It's about insecurity and mistrust; with the causal problem being insecurity. Focus on your own insecurities and be productive in making it so you no longer have to worry about what you're insecure about, and in return you will trust those around you more and not worry so much about insignificant things.
4. It's unrealistic to assume that she will be your perfect match or other half. You have had previous relationships and thought the same thing about those girls, and will think the same thing of girls in the future. Already if you tried to can point out things about this girl that would lead you to think that she wasn't a perfect match for you, which she isn't.
5. You want to be there to protect her. The best way to do that is to not get angry with any decision she makes with regards to how the two of you will continue on in your lives, whether that means you will be boyfriend/girlfriend or just stay as friends. If you don't react in a negative way to the decision, it will prove to her and to yourself that you are strong enough mentally to accept the decisions of others and not resist change, even if it isn't necessarily the change you wanted. Don't get angry, don't get jealous, don't get envious, just be there and love her unconditionally, regardless of her decision.
Okay
So the problem is/was envy
And the solution to this is the following
1. Recognize that you and her and everyone else are equal and have equal rights to happiness, your right to happiness is no greater than her's and frankly, her reasons for not wanting a relationship are better than your greedy reasons for wanting one. Straight up, you can be there for her without being in a relationship with her.
2. Her loving someone else does not diminish her love for you, only your reaction to her loving someone else will diminish that. If you continue to stand by her regardless of her decisions, she will continue to be a big part of your life for the rest of your life and you will NOT regret that.
3. It's about insecurity and mistrust; with the causal problem being insecurity. Focus on your own insecurities and be productive in making it so you no longer have to worry about what you're insecure about, and in return you will trust those around you more and not worry so much about insignificant things.
4. It's unrealistic to assume that she will be your perfect match or other half. You have had previous relationships and thought the same thing about those girls, and will think the same thing of girls in the future. Already if you tried to can point out things about this girl that would lead you to think that she wasn't a perfect match for you, which she isn't.
5. You want to be there to protect her. The best way to do that is to not get angry with any decision she makes with regards to how the two of you will continue on in your lives, whether that means you will be boyfriend/girlfriend or just stay as friends. If you don't react in a negative way to the decision, it will prove to her and to yourself that you are strong enough mentally to accept the decisions of others and not resist change, even if it isn't necessarily the change you wanted. Don't get angry, don't get jealous, don't get envious, just be there and love her unconditionally, regardless of her decision.
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Comments
Mindfulness is wonderful for a situation like this because it cuts through lust and feelings to the reality of things. It seems like you may have some mindfulness already to be able to come up with a list like this. Especially well done is the part where you recognize that you have felt the same before and will in the future.
one thing I may also suggest is doing metta, not for her but for yourself and for all beings. Metta is the only type of love that does not lead to suffering (as opposed to marital(romantic) and family love). This should help to develop more equanimity and less attachment to any one specific person.
I've experienced it all from the normal love/romantic stuff to the loss of a spouse 7 years ago. You never know what the future has in store for you(or what decisions you will make in the future), mindfulness is always important.