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Comfort and support—what to do when there is nothing we can do?
Jason
God EmperorArrakis Moderator
Everyone,
Considering all of the many things our members have had to endure recently, the question occurred to me, "How can we give some sort of spiritual comfort and support to those of us who have had to deal with some very difficult situations?" I know that I myself often fight to find the right words to say, but as Brian once told me, sometimes words just seem empty in the face of deeply painful and ultimately personal experiences. All too often, it is hard — if not impossible — to do very much in the way of helping to shoulder these burdens inherent to this worldly life besides giving a few words of support or advice—even though the intention to do whatever is needed is always there. We might wish that we could do something more for everyone in their times of need — something tangible and meaningful – unfortunately, due to a combination of human limitations and physical distance, all we can sometimes offer to those that are suffering are seemingly empty words.
This can make us feel just as powerless as those who are in need of our help. As disciples of the Buddha, we are taught to cultivate compassion for all sentient beings, to desire to ease their suffering. However, we must also remind ourselves that we cannot always succeed in that task. In times like these, we must learn to practice equanimity—the even-mindedness that remains neutral in the face of experiences that we cannot change. In the context of those who are going through difficult times, this means that we must realize that sometimes we simply cannot help them. During the most difficult of times, those who find themselves physically and emotionally isolated must discover the courage and wisdom to face their suffering on their own—not because we do not wish to help them, but because there is simply nothing we can do. All we can offer, much like the Buddha, is guidance. Whether we realize it or not, when we suffer, we personalize it and attach to it even more so than we do our own happiness. This is due to the very nature of our ego, which clings to suffering in order to relieve it—albeit without the proper insight as to how. In our misunderstanding of conditionality, we seek to relieve our suffering temporarily by removing the symptoms, but never the underlying causes.
In essence, when we suffer, we become bewildered as to why this is happening, and then we look for a way out—except we look in all the wrong places because we are confused about what suffering is, as well as what true happiness is. That is why the Buddha taught the Four Noble Truths, so that we are able to comprehend suffering, abandon its cause, realize its cessation, and develop the path to that cessation. As much as we may wish to help those suffering through difficult times, the best that we can really do is to share with them the tools that they will need in order to achieve this task of comprehending, abandoning, realizing, and developing on their own—with our love and support of course. Therefore, while our words might appear to be empty to those who are struggling to overcome difficult situations and challenges in their lives, the intentions underlying those words are not empty at all. In fact, they are full of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathy, and hope.
Sincerely,
Jason
Considering all of the many things our members have had to endure recently, the question occurred to me, "How can we give some sort of spiritual comfort and support to those of us who have had to deal with some very difficult situations?" I know that I myself often fight to find the right words to say, but as Brian once told me, sometimes words just seem empty in the face of deeply painful and ultimately personal experiences. All too often, it is hard — if not impossible — to do very much in the way of helping to shoulder these burdens inherent to this worldly life besides giving a few words of support or advice—even though the intention to do whatever is needed is always there. We might wish that we could do something more for everyone in their times of need — something tangible and meaningful – unfortunately, due to a combination of human limitations and physical distance, all we can sometimes offer to those that are suffering are seemingly empty words.
This can make us feel just as powerless as those who are in need of our help. As disciples of the Buddha, we are taught to cultivate compassion for all sentient beings, to desire to ease their suffering. However, we must also remind ourselves that we cannot always succeed in that task. In times like these, we must learn to practice equanimity—the even-mindedness that remains neutral in the face of experiences that we cannot change. In the context of those who are going through difficult times, this means that we must realize that sometimes we simply cannot help them. During the most difficult of times, those who find themselves physically and emotionally isolated must discover the courage and wisdom to face their suffering on their own—not because we do not wish to help them, but because there is simply nothing we can do. All we can offer, much like the Buddha, is guidance. Whether we realize it or not, when we suffer, we personalize it and attach to it even more so than we do our own happiness. This is due to the very nature of our ego, which clings to suffering in order to relieve it—albeit without the proper insight as to how. In our misunderstanding of conditionality, we seek to relieve our suffering temporarily by removing the symptoms, but never the underlying causes.
In essence, when we suffer, we become bewildered as to why this is happening, and then we look for a way out—except we look in all the wrong places because we are confused about what suffering is, as well as what true happiness is. That is why the Buddha taught the Four Noble Truths, so that we are able to comprehend suffering, abandon its cause, realize its cessation, and develop the path to that cessation. As much as we may wish to help those suffering through difficult times, the best that we can really do is to share with them the tools that they will need in order to achieve this task of comprehending, abandoning, realizing, and developing on their own—with our love and support of course. Therefore, while our words might appear to be empty to those who are struggling to overcome difficult situations and challenges in their lives, the intentions underlying those words are not empty at all. In fact, they are full of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathy, and hope.
Sincerely,
Jason
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Comments
However, when it comes to expressing support for those in pain, the approach you beautifully outline seems overly cold, overly rational to me. Is there a way to show support, be compassionate, and still follow your advice?
Thanks for this post.
Peace,
CJK
I do not understand what you mean. Perhaps I was not as clear in my post as I could have been, because my advice was to show support and be compassionate. The only other point that I was trying to make was that when there is absolutely nothing else we can do, when what help we have to offer is simply not enough to effect a change, we should practice equanimity—because sometimes that is the most skillful thing for us to do. Furthermore, when our words appear to be empty to those experiencing great suffering, it is wise to practice patience and not become discouraged ourselves by contemplating that our intentions underlying those words are full of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathy, and hope.
As for it appearing overly cold, I myself find that it is extremely practical due to the fact that what is in our power to change is fairly limited. If we simply allow ourselves to develop nothing but compassion (as opposed to all four Brahmaviharas), when we run into negative situations and circumstances in the world that are beyond our control, we are setting ourselves up to experience unnecessary suffering. Even the Buddha, with his boundless compassion, could only teach others how to help themselves. The greatest gift we can give to those in need is the gift of Dhamma. And when those in great suffering are not ready to receive this gift, we must be willing to wait until they are. Does this make more sense?
Jason
Sorry to have 'timed out' of this discussion. I'm under heavy writing pressure right now and I'm on the site catch as catch can. First, let me say you are perfectly clear in the first post. For me, your advice sounds abstract when dealing with particular troubles. I agree that words are empty and that what lies behind them--the intention to help relieve suffering--is what matters. Again, I agree that eqanimity is the door full of light leading out of a dark room.
What is not clear to me is how to respond to a particular suffering encounter: when a tearful child approaches you for comfort, what is your reaction? Yes, with practice, your composure will (hopefully) be eqanimous, but this does not provide comfort. If you if you don't do something else--something to provide the child with a way to see past his tears--you will have done nothing. Besides, aren't we all that tearful child, deluded by the scrapes on our knee that we think are the worst thing ever to have happened?
What I'm commenting on is not the inner comportment of seeing suffering, as all phenomena, as temporary, but the outer comportment of displaying ourselves as engaged to help those around us cope with their (temporary) states of suffering.
My question asks: how do we display and enact compassionate action while affirming our own practice of equanimity?
This is a really interesting topic to me as it speaks to how to be engaged in the world while realizing its intrinsic impermanance.
Peace,
If one can do something about it, then no worries there either.
Simple statements like this really are zenFULL.
I must admit that I am still a little confused by your question, as my post was in no way meant to imply that we simply remain equanimitous without taking the appropriate actions to relieve the suffering of others whenever possible. The main point of my original post (and subsequent clarification post) was to highlight the fact that when we run into a situation in which we are unable to do very much to alleviate a person's suffering, we should not become discouraged ourselves by our inability to do anything tangible by reflecting on our intentions. When we are able to do something, however, we should not hesitate to act. As for how, the appropriate actions will depend on each individual case, as well as each individual person. No one action will be appropriate for all situations because no one situation can ever be exactly the same.
Equanimity does not mean we remain in a state of disassociation. Nevertheless, it is there to help us realize that we do not have to try to respond to everything unpleasant in this world—it is simply impossible for us to do so. In essence, equanimity points us towards realizing the fact that we are all the products of our actions, "'I am the owner of my actions, heir to my actions, born of my actions, related through my actions, and have my actions as my arbitrator. Whatever I do, for good or for evil, to that will I fall heir." (AN 5.57) As much as we want to relieve a person's suffering, the only true way for us to do so is to give them the tools they need in order to understand that their actions have consequences, and then direct them towards cultivating the kamma that lead to the end of kamma—the Noble Eightfold Path (AN 4.235).
Jason
On further contemplation, I believe that I understand your question a little better, and it seems that we are talking about this from two different perspectives—when we cannot make a difference versus when we can. My first post was just a thoughtful look at what we can do when we are incapable of helping those close to us who are suffering greatly, or when our help is perceived as not really being all that helpful. In that circumstance, we should practice equanimity in that we take a step back, cultivate an evenness of mind, reflect upon the teachings of kamma, and contemplate the wholesome quality of our intentions. That way, their suffering will not become our suffering, and we will not become discouraged by our lack of ability to help relieve their suffering, which is going to be inevitable occasionally.
When you ask how to act compassionately while cultivating equanimity, I would again have to say that whatever action is appropriate would depend entirely upon the situation itself as well as the people involved. There is no simple answer to this question, although I sincerely wish that I had one to offer. While we might initially wish to provide comfort, sometimes that is simply not possible. If we have the chance, however, we should not hesitate to do whatever we think is the most skillful thing to do—which from the Buddhist perspective involves getting at the root of the problem as well as alleviating the symptoms. In the example of the tearful child, we should not only comfort them and dry their tears, but we should also give them as much help as we can in taking them beyond suffering altogether.
Jason
It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied
I want to know it you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else fails
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in those empty moments
These things are of importance.
These things tell me of your spirit.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer - Indian Elder Woman - May 1994
The greatest gift we can bring to those who suffer is ourselves and the will to listen to their pain - without needing to hide it, fade it, or fix it - without flinching ourselves when the flames get hot - just to be with the other person no matter how deep the shit is piled - to be there when the depths of sorrow are touched - when everything tells us to get out, we stay - that's what we can offer. For the rest, the other person can eventually work out their own answer.
This site has means to do that - anonymity provides trust which very often our friends cannot provide.