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Overtime!
ajani_mgo
Veteran
Alright people, an identity crisis is not so much of what I'd have now, it's more of a confirmation/assurance/acknowledgement I'm asking for...
So I am only 15, nearing 16 next month, a teenaged male no different from any other (OK maybe a bit more hideous than the rest), with the same three eyes, three ears, eight noses, five lips and two heads. :crazy:
And yet when most of my peers are fascinated over the latest fashion fad, I am interested in the latest archaelogical find of Christian scholarship.
When my peers don't really find life long enough for a meaning, I take Buddhism as my dictionary, along with my Christian-The Rest thesaurus.
When my peers are crazy over the latest music album to hit the stores, I would rather spend time observing the latest developements in human thought and actions (politics, wars, religion, science, psychology etc).
While my peers are busily cramming for the ongoing exams, I, guiltily-as-charged, am patiently typing this post for submission instead of gearing up for my Mathematics (and well, it's not my best subject, and I know that the karma fruits won't be delicious).
Talk about life and my peers will just say "Life sucks", while I shall have to clog up my memory banks as if the word triggers off some deadly virus to waste all my head's resources on it, too much to bear, too much to say.
When a significant number of my friends can end a relationship and move on instantly, I remain trapped in some weird kind of samsara - not feeling pain from loss, but instead weariness from not being able to let go. (Don't they say to let go is to love?) Excessive doses of hormones just keep my mind stuck to that single girl, when very strangely, I know that there is no more chance for revival, and my only regret is to not be able to put down the relationship. (Ain't making any sense - it shouldn't. Even Argon, the greatest, closest friend to me has never suffered for not being able to put down, only not being able to let go instantly.)
Again I must apologize for ever turning him into something like me - common in thought, motives, and depth of mind... Of course, it may be good, but at the same time, the bad stems when there remains just so few of us on Earth who truly understand one another.
I can write a long, Long, LOng, LONg, LONG exposition on "Love", but sadly it's so dumb and useless when all it takes for the average mind is that silly "Love at First Sight" - too fast to string any word into the mind.
While my written works are legendary in class and in some community I used to be in online, being able to dwell on an amazing variety of many human controversies, they appear only in exposition format where, if I may be allowed to glorify myself, the teacher has commented that it is more of an A-level essay than an O-level one, two years more advanced than the rest of my peers. In contrast, my classmates seem to grow wide-eyed at expositories, and instead prefer to write beautiful narratives of entire tales of Man and his world... Only to have me find writing narratives greatly difficult!
Of course, the problem is, my peers, who have no firm grounding in the affairs of Man I write, cannot understand my essays! (Well, even my essays have been repeatedly criticized by the same teacher who awarded me that A-level comment for being too controversial, dwelling on highly-opinionated subjects such as Power, Truth, or even religion!)
And fundamentally the thinking depth of my peers are nowhere as deep and detailed as me, but in no way is that an insult to them, for I have been said to think too deep (especially during depressions) until it kills myself literally, thus making thinking suicidal!
Well, it is not as if I cannot survive - in fact, I'm perfectly alive! I do possess most of the same interests as my peers, even if they are less intense and active. I do not really think now that I have a social problem - psychology has been saving my life alot. My plans to specialize the two extremes of myself - the bright side, the extrovert self that socializes perfectly well and the "dark", "truer" and "personal" side of my self. have largely been successful as I don't find much scrutiny from my peers now.
Mind you - both are my real self, it's only now I'm trying to separate them into slightly more distinct parts to avoid an identity implosion anytime soon, and also to make my life a bit more simpler to succeed while not sacrificing any of my "weird" interests.
The only solace I may find for my "darker" self comes from the adults - you all here I know, and perhaps a friend or two others. No thanks to the Christians who praise me to be interested in spirituality really, though.
So hello people out there, am I a little over-time for my age in my interest of human affairs?
Or should I just say dammit and lose my "weird" self?
I hope you all understood my post. Words aren't the best for of communication for me obviously.
So I am only 15, nearing 16 next month, a teenaged male no different from any other (OK maybe a bit more hideous than the rest), with the same three eyes, three ears, eight noses, five lips and two heads. :crazy:
And yet when most of my peers are fascinated over the latest fashion fad, I am interested in the latest archaelogical find of Christian scholarship.
When my peers don't really find life long enough for a meaning, I take Buddhism as my dictionary, along with my Christian-The Rest thesaurus.
When my peers are crazy over the latest music album to hit the stores, I would rather spend time observing the latest developements in human thought and actions (politics, wars, religion, science, psychology etc).
While my peers are busily cramming for the ongoing exams, I, guiltily-as-charged, am patiently typing this post for submission instead of gearing up for my Mathematics (and well, it's not my best subject, and I know that the karma fruits won't be delicious).
Talk about life and my peers will just say "Life sucks", while I shall have to clog up my memory banks as if the word triggers off some deadly virus to waste all my head's resources on it, too much to bear, too much to say.
When a significant number of my friends can end a relationship and move on instantly, I remain trapped in some weird kind of samsara - not feeling pain from loss, but instead weariness from not being able to let go. (Don't they say to let go is to love?) Excessive doses of hormones just keep my mind stuck to that single girl, when very strangely, I know that there is no more chance for revival, and my only regret is to not be able to put down the relationship. (Ain't making any sense - it shouldn't. Even Argon, the greatest, closest friend to me has never suffered for not being able to put down, only not being able to let go instantly.)
Again I must apologize for ever turning him into something like me - common in thought, motives, and depth of mind... Of course, it may be good, but at the same time, the bad stems when there remains just so few of us on Earth who truly understand one another.
I can write a long, Long, LOng, LONg, LONG exposition on "Love", but sadly it's so dumb and useless when all it takes for the average mind is that silly "Love at First Sight" - too fast to string any word into the mind.
While my written works are legendary in class and in some community I used to be in online, being able to dwell on an amazing variety of many human controversies, they appear only in exposition format where, if I may be allowed to glorify myself, the teacher has commented that it is more of an A-level essay than an O-level one, two years more advanced than the rest of my peers. In contrast, my classmates seem to grow wide-eyed at expositories, and instead prefer to write beautiful narratives of entire tales of Man and his world... Only to have me find writing narratives greatly difficult!
Of course, the problem is, my peers, who have no firm grounding in the affairs of Man I write, cannot understand my essays! (Well, even my essays have been repeatedly criticized by the same teacher who awarded me that A-level comment for being too controversial, dwelling on highly-opinionated subjects such as Power, Truth, or even religion!)
And fundamentally the thinking depth of my peers are nowhere as deep and detailed as me, but in no way is that an insult to them, for I have been said to think too deep (especially during depressions) until it kills myself literally, thus making thinking suicidal!
Well, it is not as if I cannot survive - in fact, I'm perfectly alive! I do possess most of the same interests as my peers, even if they are less intense and active. I do not really think now that I have a social problem - psychology has been saving my life alot. My plans to specialize the two extremes of myself - the bright side, the extrovert self that socializes perfectly well and the "dark", "truer" and "personal" side of my self. have largely been successful as I don't find much scrutiny from my peers now.
Mind you - both are my real self, it's only now I'm trying to separate them into slightly more distinct parts to avoid an identity implosion anytime soon, and also to make my life a bit more simpler to succeed while not sacrificing any of my "weird" interests.
The only solace I may find for my "darker" self comes from the adults - you all here I know, and perhaps a friend or two others. No thanks to the Christians who praise me to be interested in spirituality really, though.
So hello people out there, am I a little over-time for my age in my interest of human affairs?
Or should I just say dammit and lose my "weird" self?I hope you all understood my post. Words aren't the best for of communication for me obviously.
0
Comments
Oh, I don't know - seems to string togther OK - Now I was going to say something a bit smart but it evaporated ....
Have you thought of anthropology? If you want to know how life sucks, how people follow one another down the downpipe into the sewer, how TV manipulates and controls, how consumerism underpins the war lords, how drug use has gone through the roof, and how the male suicide rate climbs, while psychologists are employed in marketing and advertising, well, it's a good place to start. Then you could say damit and go and live in a hut in a forest.
The pain is in the watching of others .... their ignorance is their bliss ... once you take on this Buddhist stuff just watching them sorta gets in the guts every time.
I think you're fine the way you are. Maybe you just think more, live harder and love stronger than your peers.
They'll catch up some day.
-bf
Not even .... ajani, you're way out in front. What I was trying to allude to was that difference - not that you were superior - it's just that you march to the sound of a different drum. People who march thus scare the crap out of all those others who then send out little signals that serve to distance you as somebody different, weird, sus even - these signals you might feel as negative but those same signals serve as positive reinforcers to everyone else marching down the drainpipe three abreast.
Psychology is good - very individual - anthropology looks at the collective - and in the end the individual acts within the collective - even us different ones. I had the chance to follow psychology, lots of money, but chose anthropology and now destitute, but just love to sit back and watch humans trying to all be different by all following one another doing the same things - beats TV hands down.
That's just it - they are not that difficult at all - very predictive as a rule - even their unpredictability is predictable - if you see what I mean. I'm just amazed at how unskillful they get it and then reward themselves for being unskillful - which is, as you would have realised, very unskillful of them.
That hut in the forest looks better ever day.
But at times in my life I just sum it all up with a quote from Ecclesiastes 1:18.. In fact I thought that it was the book of the entire OT I could relate to easily - not saying that I'm wise or anything, but remove the God and that's me - the Philosopher and his useless life.
Ajani is up for grabs! US$5000/hour!