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broken-heartedness
not1not2
Veteran
I wasn't sure where to put this, so I figured here would be as good of a place as any:
There have been times in my life where everything seems to be falling apart. Times when the things dearest to me are lost. It is at these times where I have a deep recognition of the transience of life and the suffering nature of reality. During a somewhat recent event where I experienced this I wrote a couple of poems which captured this sentiment.
The sadness of the world.
How profound and deep it is.
When one truly sees this,
how could they ever hold ill will against any other being?
When one comes face to face with this,
there is no room for enmity.
When I am here, in this state of broken-heartedness, the world quiets down & all my vanities drop away. A great love & compassion for all living beings arises in me & I have a sense of peace & understanding.
in this moment of intimacy
the heart of everything is revealed
and its voice sings the tears in my eyes.
The sadness of the world is real & profound. Everyone, everywhere has a piece of it. But it is only when our vanities are dropped and our conceptions are shattered that we see it face to face. Being here makes me want my heart to remain shattered, unable to be put back together. Being here, I am with everyone & everything.
Anyway, just thought I'd share this with all of you. Take care.
_/\_
metta
There have been times in my life where everything seems to be falling apart. Times when the things dearest to me are lost. It is at these times where I have a deep recognition of the transience of life and the suffering nature of reality. During a somewhat recent event where I experienced this I wrote a couple of poems which captured this sentiment.
The sadness of the world.
How profound and deep it is.
When one truly sees this,
how could they ever hold ill will against any other being?
When one comes face to face with this,
there is no room for enmity.
When I am here, in this state of broken-heartedness, the world quiets down & all my vanities drop away. A great love & compassion for all living beings arises in me & I have a sense of peace & understanding.
in this moment of intimacy
the heart of everything is revealed
and its voice sings the tears in my eyes.
The sadness of the world is real & profound. Everyone, everywhere has a piece of it. But it is only when our vanities are dropped and our conceptions are shattered that we see it face to face. Being here makes me want my heart to remain shattered, unable to be put back together. Being here, I am with everyone & everything.
Anyway, just thought I'd share this with all of you. Take care.
_/\_
metta
0
Comments
_/\_
metta
Don't get me wrong - I am in no way belittling nor trivialising the tremendous surges of emotion we permit to arise, due to external influence - but in all this turmoil, find your centre. You will discover, inspite of the raging storm, it is as steady and as steadfast, as a rock.
Even in my deepest darkest moments, I knew this to be True.
I can vouch for this. There was an occasion when I reached the very pits of despair in my life- within the space of two months, I lost my job, my first wife divorced me, my house was repossessed and my mother died. I discovered more about myself at that time than at any other, and realised that I have a centre stronger than I had ever realised. With time, I also discovered what a precious thing impermanence is, as this period of my life passed. Whenever ill fortune strikes, I can now look upon this and say that it, too, shall pass.
Palzang
How does one survive these times long enough to get to the other side? There are times when suicide seems to be the easiest way out. I know it is not the correct answer! (There is one very special person here whom I need to reassure that I am not thinking of doing anything rash. She knows who she is.)
When those feelings are tearing through your heart, what holds it together? What keeps it from completely destroying what little is left of your life?
I am there now. I am holding on for dear life because I know that there are people who truly care about me, even though I am physically surrounded by people who would just as soon see me end it all (including my wife).
My friends are real. They are far away from me, and they are scattered across the globe, but they are real and they are there. Intellectually, I know that I am not alone. Emotionally, however, it is a dark time. What, my friend, do you suggest?
-Q
That may not seem doable or any consolation at all the way you are feeling now, but I would still advise doing it (practicing) as much as you possibly can. I would also strongly suggest going out and doing beneficial things for others, particularly if they don't know who did it for them. The more you engage yourself in others' problems, they less you'll worry about yours, and you just might discover that your problems aren't much different than others' nor are they the mountains they appear to be.
Palzang
I may know somewhat of how you feel. I have experienced severe depression for the majority of my life. Thankfully, for some reason, I never attempted suicide. Though I certainly know what it's like to wish that you didn't exist. That was always something I wanted... to not exist. I felt like if I killed myself I would still exist in some manner and all I wanted was blackness. It is truly the most awful feeling in the world. One huge thing that helped me was, of course, psychotherapy. Unfortunately it is usually pretty expensive and it's hard to find doctors who actually care about their patients. If I were to stress anything it would be to find a good psychiatrist, because I know firsthand how much it helped me. However, if this is not possible I would suggest reading, writing, drawing, any form of art. It is relieving to express one's self through art. It is also helpful to speak with someone whom you can trust and whom you respect. To just tell that person how you feel and what you think is a form of therapy that allows you to sort through some of your issues. One huge thing that I needed to realize was that I was constantly trying to please others and putting myself in really unhealthy positions (I'm certainly not trying to undermine you, Palzang. This is just my experience and what worked for me.) It is certainly good to help others but I believe one must help one's self first. Once I realized that it was all right to say "No." to people then I was relieved of a heavy burden. Now I can freely make my own decisions and not rely on the opinions of others to direct me. Nonetheless, other people's opinions are important and I think we should listen to others and take truth from each person's ideas and thoughts but at the same time not allow that person to control us. I have no idea if this is helpful at all but I know for myself that I needed desperately to understand how to interact with others and still look after myself. It is not good to be isolated. Yet, it is not good to be around a lot of people who do not share any common ideals as yourself. Interacting with others that have similar tastes and morals is a very positive way to decrease one's depression... I really hope that something I've said helps in some way. Though, I know that sometimes talking to others about my situation and hearing their responses was, at times, useless and just made me feel worse. I hope this is not the case. I am always here if you need to talk to anyone. You can private message me if you'd like. I'm not a professional by any means but I now how to listen (or read). I hope and pray that things start turning around for you and you find inner peace. Lastly, I must say that I don't think you should ignore your feelings at all. That is what I did for years. I would wholly devote myself to something and bury my feelings. It nearly ruined me. Acknowledge your feelings and do your best to process them in a more healthy manner. We must know what we feel and why we feel that way in order to re-direct those feelings in a way that is positive and good. Nothing you feel is wrong because it's just a feeling. Now all we need is to make healthy decisions about those feelings. I hope you have a wonderful day/night.
Well, I wouldn't suggest staying here too long if you are highly prone to suicidal thoughts. Especially if you're a materialist. But I would, at the same time, say that having suicidal thoughts is not remaining in this place anyway. Suicide is just one of many escape mechanism. A way of avoiding the suffering of the moment. I would also say to study the dhamma and contemplate the impermanence of this mindstate. Without having a decent foundation of equinimity in regards to mental states, I would say that staying with the pain can be dangerous.
I would say the best alternative, if you can't get to the place I'm talking about is to engage yourself in a constructive activity. That can bring about a change in consciousness which pulls you out of the grief state. Also, if you know you are prone to suicidal thoughts, find a person who you trust to express this to. Having some one listen, who genuinely cares about you can also be just enough to keep you from seriously harming yourself.
I would further suggest doing some metta meditation & some relaxation techniques to help you release your grip on the your sensations which are prompting your response of desiring annihilation. Basically, I would suggest really firming up & bolstering your practice. Find a teacher & don't be afraid to seek some psychological/psychiatric assistance if practice isn't cutting it for you. Sometimes the dhamma can feel quite abstract.
Anyway, I hope this is along the lines of what you were looking for as a response. The state I am referring to is where you can just remain in the grief with a clear equanimous mind, where there is no clinging or aversion. It is quite a wonderful place, but the mind starts up with its habitual responses pretty quickly, so sometimes it only lasts for just a bit.
take care,
mark
_/\_
metta
Thanks. I hope you have a wonderful day/night as well. You offer some really excellent advice. It sounds like you are really getting a handle on your mind & have cultivated a good deal of awareness in regards to this sort of stuff. As unfortunate as you are to go through those negative states, you are also really fortunate to have come so far with such a healthy attitude.
take care
_/\_
metta
http://www.newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?p=37735#post37735
_/\_
metta
Thanks, Palzang. I will do what I can. The hardest part is when I am at home, surrounded by people who do not want me.
-Q
The problem is that I know it was an escape mechanism, so I can't simply start up with something else. I need to confront the problem. I need to deal with the problems in my life and my marriage and find a resolution. I am afraid that the resolution will likely involve divorce, given the threats of violence that my wife has made. It often seems as if my life is a no-win scenario. :banghead:
That's just the problem, though. Suicide is not winning. It is surrender, and I refuse to surrender. (at least at the moment... i've been _really_ close to killing myself recently.) My counselor (psychotherapist) has been working with me on this problem and with helping me find a solution by helping me take control of my life instead of letting others control me.
It's not easy. (Yea, I know .. "well, duh!")
It's harder being a Buddhist in the "buckle of the Bible-Belt", but I refuse to let other people's closed-mindedness interfere with _my_ pursuit of the truth.
Having been raised Catholic, it is funny that the people I respect the most are Buddhists -- my dissertation advisor, Brigid (here on the forum), and a very dear friend from Oita, Japan. Dr. Cannady is a very wise man, and a wonderful friend. Anyone who has been here for any length of time knows how wonderful and kind Brigid is, and knows that words alone can never do her justice. My friend from Japan is an absolute angel. She has an uncanny ability to know exactly what I need to cheer me up even if there is no way she could have known that I was down. Kumiko is a treasure, and she was the final inspiration that brought me here so I could learn more about Buddhism.
I need help, friends. I need your prayers and your support. I am in a very dark time in my life, and I am facing a major crossroads. The future frightens me, and I must learn to embrace that fear and only then let go of it.
I don't even know _how_ to pray as a Buddhist. Do Buddhists actually pray? To whom do they pray? I am so confused.
Thanks,
-Q
First, it sounds like you are most unhappy when you're at home. Is it possible to take a "vacation" from home? Go somewhere, a motel, a friend's, someplace you'd feel more comfortable? Someplace where your wife wouldn't know where to find you? Maybe a cooling off period would be good for both of you, maybe even a trial separation.
Second, you said you don't know how to pray as a Buddhist. Well, I think you pray pretty much the same as anybody. The difference being, of course, that you're not praying to somebody or something "out there" but to your own Buddhanature. It may be easier to visualize that nature as an external being, the Buddha, so that's OK, but in reality you're praying to your own nature. You might pray for clarity of mind, peace of mind, whatever you think you need, but dedicate the prayer to the liberation and salvation of all sentient beings. I think you'll find it works better if it's not about you. You hold all the answers just as you are. Does that make sense?
I think you need to take action here. To continue on in the same way you're going is a recipe for disaster. The great thing about the Buddha's teaching is that we're in control of our lives, we control whether we feel happy or not, so the ball is in your court. You can take the action you need to take to resolve the situation so that you can get on with your life.
Palzang
But I think perhaps we need others to help us out of certain stages. Doing this on your own just doesn't work.
Yes, I didn't mean to imply that we had to go it alone. But we have to create the conditions for our recovery. If that means seeking professional help or a teacher or a sangha or a support network, then that's what we have to do. The point is that we have the power to create our own happiness, however that may come about.
Palzang
"By all means call on God, but at least row away from the rocks....!"
I'd just like to add that happiness and unhappiness are mental formations, perspectives, attitudes. We can always improve our surroundings, that only makes sense. But if we find ourselves in an environment which is horrible and that we can't get out of, it's important to remember that, as Shakespeare said, and I paraphrase, "There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so."
There will always be times when we can't control our environment or people's attitudes towards us, but we can control our minds and it's important to recognize that we're the ones at the wheel. We can rail against the unfairness and cruelty of our external circumstances until the cows come home but that changes nothing, other than to make us more miserable. Sometimes we have to recognize and understand that if we truly want to be happy we must insist upon it and use our minds to make it so.