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Perfect Family: Dream or Reality?
I'm writing this post in view that there are surely people on this forum representing parents and children, seeking their view on a curious thought I had.
My thought is on family arguments, those between parents. First of all, i would like to use my own family as an example, not for sympathy but to bring across my point. My family is neither here nor there. We do have our own family arguments ranging from the simple "we ignore each other till one admits defeat" to those shouting matches.
As a complex (:winkc: there you go, Federica) teenager, I wish to ask, is it unavoidable for family arguments to occur to occur in a family? To me, as I sometimes watch my parents argue, i think to myself that when I'm a parent myself, would I dare argue in front of my kids, with my wife? To me, if an argument is unavoidable, I'll try my best to avoid having it in front of my children. Between me and my siblings, we have the knack to sense whether a family argument is going on. For example, recently(actually, yesterday) my father took longer to return home from work. As we waited, we could feel that this was a sure sign of trouble. Sure enough as we ate our food in silence, we realised that both of our parents were ignoring each other. As I went to my bed, I also saw my father evicting himself to the living room for the night.
My question here is, does everyone start out having the ideals of what he wants as a perfect family e.g. no fighting, loving and ends up falling into the same cycle? In other words, right now, you see me declaring what kind of father I'll try to be in the future, but will I still like what other family has become?
I'm asking this question because it actually mirrors BGR (Boy-Girl Relationships). When I started going out with this girl, we thought we would last forever. Each of us have the ideas of what would make us stick together. There is the declaration of love and sticking together forever.My friend told me that I would only last, at most, 1 year with her but at that time, I nailed down her argument furiously thinking that if I know what is needed to make this work, then yes, we will last. Sadly, true enough, we did not even last 1 year.
So, putting this into my original context, does everyone starts out thinking "I will be the perfect father/mother and a family man/woman" when they look at the cute bundle of joy in their hands?
My thought is on family arguments, those between parents. First of all, i would like to use my own family as an example, not for sympathy but to bring across my point. My family is neither here nor there. We do have our own family arguments ranging from the simple "we ignore each other till one admits defeat" to those shouting matches.
As a complex (:winkc: there you go, Federica) teenager, I wish to ask, is it unavoidable for family arguments to occur to occur in a family? To me, as I sometimes watch my parents argue, i think to myself that when I'm a parent myself, would I dare argue in front of my kids, with my wife? To me, if an argument is unavoidable, I'll try my best to avoid having it in front of my children. Between me and my siblings, we have the knack to sense whether a family argument is going on. For example, recently(actually, yesterday) my father took longer to return home from work. As we waited, we could feel that this was a sure sign of trouble. Sure enough as we ate our food in silence, we realised that both of our parents were ignoring each other. As I went to my bed, I also saw my father evicting himself to the living room for the night.
My question here is, does everyone start out having the ideals of what he wants as a perfect family e.g. no fighting, loving and ends up falling into the same cycle? In other words, right now, you see me declaring what kind of father I'll try to be in the future, but will I still like what other family has become?
I'm asking this question because it actually mirrors BGR (Boy-Girl Relationships). When I started going out with this girl, we thought we would last forever. Each of us have the ideas of what would make us stick together. There is the declaration of love and sticking together forever.My friend told me that I would only last, at most, 1 year with her but at that time, I nailed down her argument furiously thinking that if I know what is needed to make this work, then yes, we will last. Sadly, true enough, we did not even last 1 year.
So, putting this into my original context, does everyone starts out thinking "I will be the perfect father/mother and a family man/woman" when they look at the cute bundle of joy in their hands?
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Comments
In a nutshell..... I think as children we can look at our parents and determine which aspects we would be glad to pass on to our children, and which aspects we are determined never to repeat....
I vowed I would never strike my children, and with only one or two exceptions, I stuck to my rule. I virtually never hit my girls, but if I did, I would always, ALWAYS apologise. The reason may have been there, but there is never any excuse for violence of any kind against a child
This is just my opinion, and need not be agreed upon by everyone.
But anyway....
I vowed never to argue infront of my children, because I came to believe, and was further led to understand, that such behaviour can be psychologically damaging to children....
In fact, my eldest would become upset if our voices were raised....
Furthermore, my husband and I also participated in workshops run by a relationships organisation, which taught us a great deal about effective communication for couples...
All good so far.
I haven't spoken to my children in nearly two years.
When their father and I split up, it was generally taken by them as being my fault. Their perception of the situation was that (as we never argued or shouted, or lost our temper infront of them) there was no logical reason for my departure.
The reasons for our separation were - and remain - private, and none of their business. It had nothing to do with them, and my expounding them would have not been productive or fruitful. I even doubt, now, whether they would in fact, believe anything.
so was this pacified, calm, even and level behaviour in front of the children productive, or in the end, actually counter-productive?
Radmatist. I'm a mother. And I can't answer your question, in black-and-white. Every situation is different, and every parent has to do it for themselves.
My husband grew up with awful parents - I hate to say that, but it really is true. His dad beat them and was just downright mean to the kids. My husband always knew that he would never, ever treat his kids that way because he did not want that cycle to continue. Sadly, his brother is continuing the same cycle with his kids. Subconsciously, most people end up treating their kids how they were treated as children. It can either go one of three ways....they repeat the same cycle, they go in the complete opposite direction, or they find the middle ground.
I think that for the most part, everyone starts off thinking "I am going to be the best parent ever!", and most people do try their hardest. But parenting is tough! And I think that for the most part, it's just a decision you have to make as a couple - to be the best parents you can be, and try your hardest. And then you just hope that it all works out ok! I am constantly learning new things about parenting and always researching different subjects when things come up. It can be a lot of work, but it's so worth it.
In my opinion on marriage.........
The best thing that you can do in a marriage is be best friends. I do believe that that is a key to a really good marriage. Also it might be a good thing to remember that sometimes you might want to "agree to disagree" You cannot always change someones mind to your way of thinking and that's ok.
My opinion on raising children.........
I believe that some disagreements should be done in front of the children. Only small ones. If it is serious.........Keep it private. My reason for saying that small disagreements in front of the kids is ok is because children need to learn that even ppl who love each other do not always agree on everything. And that they can disagree and still love each other.
I can remember when I was young before I had children I use to think when I saw other couples with there kids......My kids won't act like that, I will never do that to my child etc...
Then I had children......There is no manual that comes with them. I know this for a fact because I asked for one and they laughed at me. I also found that just because you might have figured out how to raise one child, does not mean that the next one you have the same things will work for that child as it did the 1st one. This too I know for a fact. I have 2 sons that are nothing alike.
Show them lots of love. Follow thro always no matter what. Which means don't get mad and tell them they are grounded for 2 months for something they should have only been grounded for a week for because once you say it.....you got to follow thro. Be consistent.......no matter what. And if you mess up....which you will......just be honest and say.........I messed up, I'm sorry.
I give you this advice to do what you want with.......Keep some if you like or not and throw away what ever you don't want.
These are just a few of the things that I have learned along the way and most of it I learned the hard way........
Food for thought......
Deb
Good points, Deb!
Set the example.......Your right YM.......If we expect them to say I'm sorry then we should set the example. You mess up.......say I'm sorry......Children learn by watching more than by what you tell them. So set the example of how you want them to act and be.
The most important things have been said. If we are lucky, our own biology will empower our love for our children; if we are not, we are required to work at it. All sorts of different regimes of raising children produce competent and responsible adults. The single thread of similarity in the regimes is the notion of love. Loved children appear to be more comfortable in their own skins (as the French put it); without that, all the best intentions in the world and wise theories are just so much chaff.
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Well said Simon......
I also liked raising my child in Japanese sort of way.
If they did something wrong.....1st time they are not in trouble because they did not know it was wrong. Even if it is obvious to us it was wrong, they had not been told no. But once they had been told......then if they repeated it they were punished.
just the other day.. my husband i disagreed on something big.. the kids left and the last they saw was a mess.. i later told them dad gave in and we had both thougtht of a good idea to compromise..
the issue was big.. we are moving to a small town in kenora and things are happening quickly so the fire is hot lately here.. but the kids are learning that we have stuck together thro alot lately and seen that we have come to some conclusions.
my point being.. its equally important in my house to teach my kids resolve.. not just that ppl disagree..
and believe me .. they have alot of tools to choose from.. lol
my husband and i have showen them many..BIG !!TEHE..
Good luck with your move! Moving is rough.....
I agree....screaming and shouting is not behavior that is excepted in this household. Everyone should be treated with respect. Being screamed and shouted at is not treating someone with respect.
I did not grow up in a household that felt this way. And when I was young and in my 20's I had a very hot temper. My father is a redhead and even tho I did not get the red hair only the freckles and complexion. I also got the temper.
It took me several years to learn to control the quick to fire temper.
I also did not want my children raised in a home that screaming and shouting was excepted so that helped me learn very quickly that there must be volume control......
If we will only allow it, our children are our best teachers! If we will not follow an edifying life before we have them, they give us a perfect opportunity to amend.
So many times when there is abuse in a home the children follow in there parents foot steps when raising their own children. This is not how it has to be. Learn from others mistakes when raising your children. Don't do as they did......Do it better or just different.
With Love, Kindness and Compassion. Listen to your children.......we really do have a lot to learn from them. They are wonderful little teachers.
But, growing up in my family as allowed me to see how bad a fight can become because I have witness my own mother trying to slash her wrist(when I was younger) and also threatening to run out of the house.
My view of these fight change as I grow older (I dare not say mature =X). Initially, the common action would be to drag my two younger siblings with me into a room and sort of 'protect' them. Then, it turns to somewhat 'protecting' myself as I felt that like me, my siblings should fend for them self too. During one of those fight, it would turn into a dark period for me because you can never ever tell your friends about going-ons in your family because they simply try their best to counter your problems with their own ones.
But as I went on and started to think in a different perspective, i decided that everytime they had a fight, my first thought was to envision what my future will be if there is the worse scenario. Thats where I took up the line "Parents fighting are merely a situation for adults and does not concern us". In other words, when they fight, I can calmly walk past them to get a drink of water without feeling different. I don't know whether thats a proper way but thats how I do it.
ppl do start out like that yea.. but over time view changes...
tbh.. my parents and family rarely argue.. last time.. was my mother and sister.. and taht was probs about 2 years ago...
my dad and mom used to argue when i was a kid.. part from that...
this is kinda bad too.. its the opposite of argueing too much.. not discussing anything serious
I wud hope id be a gd father.. but i all too well know i have insecuritys passed down my parents which i kinda hate them for.. mebe too strong a word..
nyways im gunna tear em out.. (insecuritys)
I absolutely hate the whole 'sorry ive been raised like a twat, so can't ever talk u on those kinda subjects' kinda attitude my parents have..
kids and parents need to talk. And parents need to show kids how to socialise.. and not to shy away from things like.. i dunno.. for example..a kid is confused about havign an erection for first time and the parents won't explain.. not from personal xp.. but its a decent example.. parents acting in shameful and embaressing manners.. disturb kids and make em feel like they've done wrong, they become more socially reclused.
i have a friend.. and his little brother spends 24/7 doting on the mom.. she hardly lets him outta sight.. and he has to be picked up from school.. its absolutely horrendous.. and i am disgusted by this attititude of the mother.. he should spend time with other kids and her scared freakish behaviour (giving him a girls haircut) and (not letting walk home, or go outside on own.. for fear of pedos).. sigh... :crazy: i could write an essay on the entire family but u know..
kids have to socialise.. and not spend all time with parents.. this is also a page i cud take outta my own book..
i have a muslim friend.. he has asked me god knows how many questions about sex.. which i shouldn't have to tell him considering he's 20 now.. ( i befriended him last year ) .. least i answered his questions.. hes a bit of a perve and tbh thats his parents fault.. i won't point the finger at muslims upbringing and social attitude to women.. but i can't deny its influence.
even at work, i pick things up.. on how kids shud be raised.. cus i get to see millions of council estate single moms 'attempting' to control their kids.
My parents are useless at showing love.. and my dads about as social as a pine-cone. Also in reality i doubt my own ability to even be with a girl.. especially for a long time..
as for perfect family.. you can't have it, but you can at least have a decent relation with ur kids.. and I'll actually try with any i have. rather than the shambles my parents have made....
I suppose I can learn from their pathetic attempt at bring up kids.. least that is positive